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You, my darling Siestas, have become an invaluable resource to this teaching ministry and outreach to women. I’d love to hear from you again on something God keeps talking to me about and going way out of His way to show me. It’s the issue of insecurity in women. I’ve mentioned it in several Bible studies and at various events but I’ve never taken concentrated time (never had it to take!) to pounce on it and really explore it as a topic all by itself. I’m very impressed in my spirit that the time has come. Below you’ll find the answers I’m looking for and if you’ll simply number your responses accordingly, you won’t need to repeat the questions. Two of the most important things to keep in mind:
ALL RESPONSES MUST BE ANONYMOUS.
ALL RESPONSES NEED TO BE BLATANTLY HONEST! Please don’t answer like you think a Christian woman ought to answer. It won’t help.
OK, here goes: (Women only please)
1. What age-decade are you in? (Teens? Twenties? Thirties? …Sixties?)
2. Single? Married? Divorced? Or widowed?
3. How big an issue is insecurity to you personally? Respond with one of the following answers: None at all; A little; Enough to bother me; Pretty big; HUGE.
4. What do you see as the 2 leading sources of insecurity in your personal life? (Use brief answers please)
5. Give this one serious thought: How much would you say a man or men play into your insecurities? (Use only a few words.)
6. If you have something to share and particularly if you feel your pulse rising a bit at the subject matter, write one BRIEF paragraph describing specific impact insecurity has had on you. (We will not be able to post lengthy ones. Please keep these a length many people will read. I think women will be interested in this topic and want to see what everybody has to say. Personally, I can’t wait.)
After I see your responses, I may come back and ask a few more things if that’s OK but this will at least get us off the ground on the subject. Thank you so much, Siestas, for taking the time and going to the trouble to lend your insight! YOU ARE A WEALTH! And you are making such a difference in our lives here at LPM and the lives of those we have the privilege to serve. I love you like crazy. Jesus is life.
Oh, P.S.!! Do us a huge favor! See if you can get some of the young women in your life who are in middle school or high school to hop on the blog and take the survey. They would lend priceless insight. The same is true for college-age so if you have access to young women, we’d so appreciate you asking them to consider helping us out. Thanks!
Tags: surveys
1. 20’s
2. Married, 1 kid, 1 on the way
3. a little
4. Weight and other physical apperances
5. I think my man actually makes me a lot more secure about who I am, other women especially my mom can make me insecure about how I look or feel about myself
6. I feel like with society constantly judging by appearances it’s hard to trust my identiy in Christ and realize that all that extra “worldly” stuff doesn’t matter. It’s difficult to hear two voices at once and trust God’s alone.
mid 40’s
married, no kids naturally, 1 step son
enough to bother me and cause some anxiety – that sounds ridiculous when I put it in writing when so many other people have such huge problems.
Being a former anorexic, my aging, expanding waistline and bottomline are the biggest source of my insecurity at this point.
A man doesn’t play into this at all. My husband thinks I look great and that I needed some weight on me. It is totally about how I feel about myself and view myself – the anorexic tendancy coming out.
Almost 50
Married, 3 kids
A litte bit
Whether I am Christian enough
Men play no part in it – it is all me
1. 40s
2. married with children
3. a little
4. comparing ourselves to others and self esteem learned gained during childhood
5. Huge
1. mid-twenties
2. in a new relationship
3. enough to bother me
4. Partly learnt it from my dad, who has huge security issues (my mum’s strength has balanced it out in me). Fear of being hurt/rejected in relationships, whether work or church or social, which has happened before
5. I think MY insecurity impacts my relationship with the men in my life and my perception of their actions/words/thoughts, more than the other way around
6. It is a daily struggle to remind myself of how GOD sees me, not as I think other people see me. Part of it I think is learning to “no longer regard other people from a worldly point of view” (2 Cor 5) but see other women particularly as the same as me, as a sinner but dearly loved child of God.
1. Forties
2. Marries
3. Pretty Big
4. Childhood, outward appearance
5. My dad plays a role in my insecurities from childhood. My husband is my rock
6. Insecurities have kept me from being all God desires for me to be. I’m afraid to try new things and I don’t want to make decisions for fear of making the wrong one.
1. 29…almost 30, ouch.
2. Married, 2 kids
3. enough to bother me
4. wanting to be more than I am, or different but feeling a need to maintain the image or perception others have already established about me.
5. Little. It’s more other women.
6. I am stuck in a rut. I want to be so much more, love so much more. But from the wounds that have been left by insult I received as a child, I often say things that I don’t wait to. I’m likely to hurt someone else when I don’t mean to. I take responsibility for that. But I don’t even know how to fully surrender those wounds for healing. God has gracious worked on them one by one but I get overwhelmed at how many are left.
1. Fourties
2. Married
3. Pretty big, sometimes HUGE
4. Weight & lack of education
5. In my case, very little
6. Unfortunately, I have let my insecurities determine how I feel about everything. It has held me back, kept me from attending events and sours my attitude terribly. It also causes me to be suspicious without reason. This survey is so timely, I'm struggling NOW.
1. Late 40’s
2. Re-Married
3. Pretty Big
4. Never feeling like I am good enough (perfectionism?), the inability to totally trust God.
5. Somewhat – because I work in a field that is dominated by men, so most of my work insecurity is male related. Also, I think my feelings of not measuring up started with my dad, but today comes more from other women.
6. I would say my struggles with the words “Faith” and “Trust” have kept me in a place of insecurity. Been working on this a long time, but still not quite over the hump.
1. 20s…okay, late twenties
2. Single.
3. Enough to bother me.
4. My life status in comparison to others my age & physical appearance.
5. Enough to make me wish I was 5 years old again and didn't care.
6. Being outgoing and more than a little extroverted makes it even harder to deal with insecurities. It's like walking around wearing only one high heel and hoping no one notices that you're dead clumsy. I sometimes feel like I'm in one of those ugly duckling stories… only I never become the swan.
50's, Married, HUGE
2 leading sources? Husband & Weight
My man plays a huge role in my self esteem.
The reason he does is because I am a prov 30:1 woman (you mentioned this in a seminar one time). We have been married 27 years as parent partners. My husband does not like physical intimacy and all that goes with that. He makes me feel like an ugly freak even though he tells me he loves me sooo much. Its a big ugly secret in our lives and my conscience and my God do not allow for "looking elsewhere", and yet I don't have the option of leaving for various reasons that are totally legit. I am trapped. Only Jesus helps me stay sane and on some measure of stability.
1 30’s
2 married
3 Enough to bother me
4 my ability to mother (and what other mothers think), and my relationship with God
5 very little
6 ~ the constant ‘need’ to hide the real me from others b/c I just don’t measure up in whatever area it is.
1. Forties
2. Divorced (3 times)
3. HUGE
4. Lack of father’s love as a child, abuse by ex-husband
5. Not having a father’s love has caused me to struggle with the need for a man’s approval
6. My insecurity has led me into relationships that were very unhealthy and allowed SATAN to render me ineffective. I could write a book on the subject.
1. Thirties
2. Married (have been divorced once before)
3. HUGE
4. Physical appearance; feeling “less” than others
5. A little, but not really much
6. I wish women, particularly Christian women, would really stop judging each other and spend more time loving each other as we are.
1. Thirties – early
2. Married
3. How big an issue is insecurity to you personally? BIG
4. What do you see as the 2 leading sources of insecurity in your personal life? What others think. My appearance, my education, my parenting style
5. Give this one serious thought: How much would you say a man or men play into your insecurities? A little – it’s mostly women
1. 30’s
2. marrried, 2 kids
3. HUGE
4. socially introverted, feel like I don’t fit in (I think it all stems from negative childhood.)
5. My husband is one of the biggest securities in my life. But I was raised without a father.
6. I have to constantly fight the insecurity. For example, sometimes it’s after going to a social event at church, I always feel as if I don’t fit in, am not liked as well as others. My husband always makes me feel accepted, loved and secure. TO ME, it has little to do with insecurity about physical appearance.
1. 40
2. single, never married
3. Enough to bother me, but not like it used to.
4. I’m a Big, Beautiful Woman, so my body type makes me insecure at times; I struggle with the “perfect woman” syndrome at times.
5. Maybe some, but not like it used to.
6. Being single. sometimes I do wonder if men find me attractive; if I’ll ever get married and be loved. I try not to focus on this. I surround myself with positive male friends, and since I know God wants me to be single at this season in my life I choose not to date. That way I am not “setting myself up” for possible rejection, or making the search for their approval a focus in my relationship. This helps me to keep my focus on God and seek His approval. Still, I am a woman and at times we all want/need to have that affirmation in our lives that we are “good enough” by men. So I do still struggle with that at times.
1. 40's
2. Married for 9 years. No children.
3. Enough to bother me.
4. outward appearance & fitting in
5. Men play a minor role. More about other women as we tend to be more judgmental than men.
6. I've always been shy at heart and easily intimidated by some personalities – especially other women – but I think if I weren't so insecure about myself then I wouldn't be as intimidated. It's an ongoing struggle between the flesh/world/satan and who I know (at least in my head) I am in Christ.
Thanks, Beth, for taking this on. It's been a struggle in my life since I can remember and by the looks of the responses I'm not alone. That's encouraging to know.
1. 30’s
2. married, 4 children
3. enough to bother me
4. not sure if husband is ‘right’ for me. (I know I can’t get rid of him now but a life of such insecurity seems miserable.) Finances
5. Huge
6. I have been waiting on a study addressing insecurity from you!!
1.40’s
2. Married
3. Enough to bother me
4. Forgetting who I am in the midst of a situation that takes me off guard
5. Men, little. Women, more so.
6. I did a brief survey in the Spring among young teen/college girls everyone said low self esteem was an issue. I believe the world screams at us every day. “You don’t measure up”. The guestions is “Why do we chose to believe the world?” and not the word…..
1. later 20’s
2. married, 2 boys
3. enough to bother me
4. how people see me, wanting my husband to be happy with me
5. a lot. wanted to please my dad, now want to please my husband
6. I so do not want to hurt my husbands feelings…..I want him to be pleased with me. A lot of this is in my head, because he is a GREAT guy. Every time I go out somewhere by myself I am pretty consumed with getting back soon, asking him stuff all the time to make sure he likes what I do. This really bugs me, but it’s so ingrained in me.
1. Just entered forties
2. Married, very unhappily
3. Pretty big
4. Speaking in front of other people-even though I want to. Physical Appearance is a biggie.
5. I don’t think so.
Addendum:
I think I am just angry and insecure all the time right under the surface, brewing. Feeling left out, feeling unloved, feeling abandoned, forgotten, feeling I have to be sure of people in my life, feeling I need to be careful what I say to people, feeling if I don’t get the information at my job then to go back and ask again will make me look stupid and the person will be annoyed with me and not trust me to do the job and then I am in trouble. Feeling I have to make sure that there is no rejection in my life, feeling bottled up. Then not caring because I tire of all this, so don’t deal with any of this because I don’t know where to start. Because trying to explain to an indivual my failure will only make the problem bigger and more insecurity will surface and the problems just grows so don’t even go there. Can’t resolve these issues because involves people. Afraid to confront God with the deeper issues of my insecurity and anger. The comment that I said, “How dare you ask this!” is something I’ve heard my mom say and I don’t remember what the incidence was when she made this comment to me.
1. 40’s
2. Married
3. Pretty big
4. past failure and the fear of not fitting in
5. Men really do not play into this. My insecurity stems from a fear of failure and not seeing myself as God sees me
thirties
married, 3 children
a little bit
how I physically look, house perfection
Men are clueless
I found myself done with insecurity for the most part because it took up too much time. I would like to be rid of the continual striving for more.
1. 40
2. not married, no children
3.Enough to bother me
4. Not being married yet and finances.
5. Not as much now as they have in the past.
The hardest thing for me is seeing other people much younger than I getting engaged, married and having children. It’s not that I’m not happy for them, but it’s a painful reminder of just how old I am when they are so much younger and entering that particular chapter of their lives. I babysat some of them as young children!!! It hurts.
Thirties
Married
Pretty huge
Looks and performance (especially in mothering)
Big. They began with an unloving, verbally abusive father.
As a child, I was made to feel shamed and guilty alot. I also craved love so much. My father also cheated on my mother several times – so all of those in combo have led to many insecurities in me.
1. Early twenties
2. Single
3. A little
4. a) Feeling inadequate or incompetent when in conversation with people I don’t know very well b) Physical appearance
5. Men somewhat play into my feelings of insecurity. Especially when I’m around single men, I feel as though I don’t measure up to their standards (or my pre-conceived idea of what their standards are). I often don’t feel pretty enough, skinny enough, etc.
20’s
married, no kids
VERY
My earthly father was very critical of me growing up. Always picking on my looks (even though i was a thin child). This later made very self-conscious. However, my husband is a huge encourager and helping me overcome this.
30’s
single
a little, to sometimes huge, depends on if I am believing what God says is true that day.
insecure about close relationships, if they really knew all I have been through or done would they still love me or want to be a part of my life.
trusting humans in general
men have played a huge role in my insecurities, my dad not being a dad, uncle sexually abusing me.
If we don’t believe what God says is true about who we are, we will always struggle with this topic. I want it to stick, I sometimes feel like I have to start again each day and it gets very tiring, but I have to do it if I want to be victorious that day.
1. 42
2. Single
3. Enough to bother me
4. What do you see as the 2 leading sources of insecurity in your personal life?
Trusting that friends are truly my friends.
Being not married, and it seems like not many churchs or bible studies don’t relate to being single and over 40.
5. Give this one serious thought: How much would you say a man or men play into your insecurities?
Well, I was dating someone 2 years ago and we were talking about marriage and within a month he had left me and went back and married his ex wife. So talk about being devastated, for months I wondered about my self worth and still struggle with it.
#6 A friend told me that insecurity was just fear trying to come in under the radar and that fear is the opposite of faith; fear is believing Satan and not God. So as usual Beth, you have told us that we just need to keep believing God.
1. 40s
2. Married
3. Pretty big
4. Unemployed, weight issues
5. A lot of impact on my insecurity, although I am married to a wonderful man.
6. Being unemployed and struggling to pay bills causes a LOT of insecurity in me. How I feel others perceive me because I am overweight. Also, I have trust issues with men, due to dad’s unfaithfulness/parent’s subsequent divorce and my first husband leaving me.
1. 30’s
2. Married
3. Enough to bother me
4. trying to please man vs. God, need for affirmation
5. My husband plays into my insecurities a lot. When I don’t meet his expectations or when he doesn’t say/show his appreciation or love for me – I start to doubt myself.
Late 40’s.
Married.
Has been HUGE at times in my life. Doing a little better with it these days.
Always feeling that I can’t quite reach the required standard….whatever that is. I know it is wrong to measure ourselves against others, but it seems that there is always a yardstick in front of us that causes us to do just that!
Some. Their expectations. Especially pastors. That has been tough for me. I think it is because of past hurts.
Insecurity has been a thief in my life for many years. I have not been strong and courageous as I believe the Lord would like me to be. I have coward behind my own abilities and strengths, instead of walking in faith on a higher plane that I believe the Lord has called me too. The crutch of insecurity has left me longing for a solid path to run this race on. I have never put these fragmented thoughts into words. I hope it makes some sort of sense.
1. In my 40’s
2. Married with 4 children (5-12 yrs. old)
3. It has been HUGE
4. Failure and rejection
5. Men have certainly played a roll, but not exclusively
6. God has been doing an ongoing work of healing where rejection is concerned; changing my “name” from ‘rejected’ to ‘preserved’. (How cool is that?) The failures, from my point of view, continue to mount against me, which still plays into that feeling of insecurity. Thank you dear one, for asking. It is a major issue for so many. God bless!
1. 51
2. Married
3. Enough to bother me
4. 1. Personal Appearance, weight
2. Being accepted by other women
5. My husband is great – men don’t play into this much at all, oddly, I am very secure with my man – don’t have issues with “menfolk”
6. Insecurity will make me not participate in activites, or be fretful about how I look rather than how things really are – in other words – insecurity can make big PHONIES of people – me included
1 ~ 40’s
2 ~ married 2nd time
3 ~ enough to bother me
4 ~ divorced with no children
5 ~ very little
6 ~ not sure what I want or how I feel. wanting children at my age is confusing. i try to reconcile myself to not having kids. God is the giver of life and this is what He has for me. it’s so normal to have kids and what is it when you don’t because you can’t? do I just want to be normal? i wish i knew.
1 30’s
2 widowed
3 Huge
4 being a good mother and a strong christian
5 Somewhat
1. Thirties
2. Married
3. Enough to bother
4. Weight/Physical appearance; “Lack of career” – I’m a stay at home mom
5. My hubby makes me feel safe and secure; men in past have made comments that have made me feel less of a person – they still rattle around in my head
6. Sent me in direction of being people pleaser – in school achievement when younger; bulimia when younger; overvolunteerism now.
You know what’s really hard beth,
other people in our lives that we love very much that are insecure. You tell them over and over but they don’t believe you. And they decide they don’t want to or can’t be a part of your life because of their insecurities. What do you do other than pray and be there when they are ready?
Just love them like Jesus…. but it sure does hurt.
1. 30’s
2. Married
3. Pretty big
4. Body weight(even though I am thin, skin and cloths that I am not able to buy.
5. My husband plays a little part but it is primarily other women(Christian).
6. I feel like I have come a long way through God’s love for me but I do find myself falling back into those same old traps that I get caught in. Thanks for doing this!
1. 50
2. 3 kids
3. HUGE with most people
4. Perfectionist Parents (Spouse, too!) and the fact that I am not perfect.
5. I went after men to try and cure my insecurity, so I would say they play a big part in my insecurity because don’t most men reject insecure women in the long run?
6. My being insecure is nothing but a lie from hell as I have been married to a wonderful man 25 years who himself is insecure (isn’t that what perfectionism is all about?), but by the grace of God we’ve made it this far. I just have to tell myself often that I’m being lied to by satan and that my security is in Christ alone.
1. 30s
2. married
3. a little –> enough to bother me (depending on the day)
4. desiring others' approval
5. I think that my lack of attention from my father and boys as a teenage girl did fuel my insecurities
6. I just attended my church's womens retreat in november where we discussed and began the process of obtaining victory over the idols in our lives. We talked about the idol of desiring control, desiring approval of others, desiring power, and desiring comfort. For me, it was a revelation that many of my insecurities stem from 1) my desire to win the approval of others and 2) to be in control of the happenings in my life. Both of these display a lack of faith, trust and identity in the TRUE Savior of Christ Jesus. God has a way of humbling me to my knees… and when I rest in Him, my insecurities fade away! Praise Jesus!
1. 50’s
2. Married
3. HUGE
4. My view of myself. The lack of female friendships in my life.
5. None. Men have never played a roll in my insecurities, it’s been women for me.
6. The older I become, the more I realize how the lack of female friendships have affected me. I don’t even know if I know how to forge meaningful friendships. This really came to light the last two years when we left our church home of 40+ years to find a new church home. After two years of being a part (choir, children’s ministries, etc.), we still felt like strangers. We decided to go to a church where we had family and at least knew someone wanted us there.
1. Forties
2. Married
3. HUGE
4. Low self-esteem/body image
5. Men have nothing to do with my insecurity
6. For the record, I recognize that my insecurity is irrational. I’m in a healthy marriage and am in a season of life that is rich and rewarding and full of blessings and opportunities that only God could provide; I have simply struggled with security for as long as I can remember and no amount of affirmation from anyone has done anything to change it.
Thirties – Single – HUGE
Source – Upbringing/Family Dynamics in conjuction with personaility
*A man can play a huge part of this battle. He can encourage or breakdown with very little.
*I've always battled insecurity from appearance to becoming accepted. I think this is huge in our society from the painting of the "all american teen – to the perfect wife & mom." We all want to be the best at whatever stage of life we are in and it seems we can never get there.
Thank you Beth for continuing to equipt us with scripture and study that we can apply to our day to day walk.
1. 44
2. Married
3. Enough to bother me
4. Fear of rejection because of past rejections(female friends), general lack of trust of other people in ministry(we are in ministry.)
5. No issues with males in my life. Awesome dad, awesome husband, 2 awesome sons.
1. 30's
2. married
3. enough to bother me
4. weight & legalism (that i have to be perfect)
5. somewhat – mostly me & my thoughts
6. At times does hold me back – I am not good enough to do this or that, yet I knowing I would never be "good" enough. But it also has an up becuase I am constantly reminded it is only by Christ I can do anything.
1. late 30’s
2. happily married
3. pretty big, bordering at times on HUGE
4. Insecure because of a painful, sinful past (not insecure in my salvation but in relation to other Christians) and my physical appearance
5. insecure because of men? 100%
6. When I was 14 I became entrapped in the most destructive relationship of my life that has affected EVERY thing ever since. He was a married father of three AND our youth pastor. The effects of this stupidity in my youth has had profound impact on the way I see myself in relation to other Christians today and how I respond to members of the opposite sex. Praise God He has healed me from alot of this, but some things linger.