Hey, everybody. I so often wish you could meet the stellar women I get to serve alongside at Living Proof, especially because they serve this blog community every workday in one way or another. They are such incredible women of God and slack-jawing graces to this former pit-dweller. I want you to meet one of them today and hear her very moving story. If you’ve ever mailed a letter to Living Proof, in all likelihood, you have been touched by her. Nancy Mattingly is one of the best friends I have in this world. We have known one another for thirty years, our paths crossing often then ultimately converging in ministry. When we were very young moms, she’d come to my home once a month for a prayer breakfast with other women just like us and we’d sit cross-legged on that den floor, our Bibles wide-open, and seek Jesus with everything we had. We are both fitness junkies. She bikes and runs. I wear out an elliptical and hike. We’re both teachers by trade and by calling. We love music and we love it loud.
Nancy heads up correspondence at Living Proof Ministries. She heads it up because I hand-chose her. And I did so because she is wise and warm and wonderful and witty and compassionate and strong and loving. You cannot know her and miss being touched by her. The gift she has been to me is beyond estimation. My heart fell into my feet in ministry when I realized that the letters and needs filling up our LPM mailbox were more than one person could manage. I wanted to respond personally to the women who wrote in. I wanted them to know I’d heard their stories. I wanted to pray for them in response letters and give them verses that might resonate with their circumstances and challenges. I came to a point that I flat-out could not keep up with the correspondence and still write and teach Bible studies. I needed someone I could trust to the bone to head up that crucial position here at LPM.
And that was Nancy. She has cried with you, laughed with you, written you, prayed for you, pored over every word you’ve mailed to this address, and shared many of your stories with me and with our staff. I love her so much. And you would love her, too. We have been through so much together as a ministry staff. We rejoice together and weep together, laugh till our sides split together and bawl our eyes out together. We have each had several turns being the one who needed rallying around the most. We’ve stood by one another through such a variety of things that I wouldn’t know where to stop a list of categories. But we, as a staff of very close friends, have never been through anything harder than the story you are about to hear. I can hardly type these words to you without crying. I knew that one day – and sooner than later – Nancy would share this story because I know the woman of God she is. I knew God would be outrageously glorified. I knew that this would turn back on the devil and make him sorry he messed with her and her family. And so it begins.
Please meet one of the dearest people on earth to me and to all of us here at Living Proof. This is our friend, Nancy. She has a story to tell you because we at this ministry have not had the luxury of naivetĂ©. We have hurt. And we know that you have hurt. And, because of Jesus, we have hope. And we want you to have hope. We believe that our stories and journeys have been entrusted to us so that we can do what we’ve been called to do: serve women. Serve you. So, today, this is how we will do it.
From Nancy:
Late in 2013, I was compelled to find a particular sign I’d seen a while back. I really didn’t understand why, but just knew I wanted it for our family. I needed it. It simply said “it is well with my soul”. I bought the very last one the store had, brought it home, placed it on the hearth, and announced to my people, “this is our word for 2014.”
Little did I know how much I would need that reminder.
Every day.
January 28th, 2014 was a day that we will never forget, getting the news that our beloved firstborn son had taken his own life. And just like that, he was gone. And we had so many questions that will not be answered this side of heaven.
I can’t even put into words what shock we were in. Disbelief. Pain. My husband and I were at home that day, while all of Houston was shut down for an “ice storm” that never really came to fruition. Our Living Proof Tuesday night Bible study was cancelled for that evening.  Otherwise, I would have been right there serving with my coworkers. Looking back on it, the cancellation was such a personal gift from Jesus because it put me home with my man where we received the news together. We had just finished some chicken and wild rice soup, and were watching a movie.
The doorbell rings, and I go to answer it.
Two policemen were at our door asking for my husband. (You would typically think something terrible immediately, seeing police at your door, however I didn’t, as we had been dealing with the police in the last month over a stolen bicycle. So, for some reason, I thought it had to do with the bike, and cheerily welcomed them in.) It was then that they told us the devastating news of Kyle.
No words.
“If Your revelation hadn’t delighted me so, I would have given up when the hard times came.” Psalm 119:92, The Message
Shock can begin immediately and with a vengeance. And it did. We both had such severe issues, but tried to listen to all the police were telling us. Once they left, I remember that we sat on the couch, held hands, and my very strong husband prayed. Oh, how we needed Jesus! In that moment, and in the days to come….
And He was there.
He supernaturally held us through the longest of days and nights.
Through the terrible phone calls to our other children, all living out of town.
Through arranging international travel to get our daughter home from Hong Kong where she had moved just 2 weeks earlier to nanny some children of special missionary friends.
Through the pacing and the arranging and the decisions and the deep desire to go to bed. Then we’d finally get there only to lay there, unable to sleep.
But God Was There.
Whatever kind of believer you are before tragedy happens, you get to decide again after the tragedy: do I believe? And the answer for me was absolutely yes. I had nowhere else to go but my Jesus.
“This I know: God is for me.” Psalm 56:9
People are interesting, especially in the ways they process crises. Some trickled into our home as the news spread. Even in the midst of the first few hours of our new reality, we were able to find humor. And since humor is best shared, I had a dear, beloved life-long friend with whom to share it. We got bent-over tickled over one specific incident, and I realized even then that it was just another grace gift from the Lord. It was a brief respite from the overwhelming grief.
And it set the tone of the year, where we would dance:Â between the waves of deepest grief, and the pockets of joy.
I also found that, throughout my grief, I had to balance my sadness and loss, my overwhelming sense of failure as a mother, and my fear and anxiety for my family
WITH
the obvious care and tending the Lord was doing, the gratitude I had in all that He had given us through our children, and especially through Kyle himself.
I thanked Him for the gift of 32 years with my son. I was grateful, so grateful, for the outlandish gifts my other children were to me. I marveled at this man I had been married to for 34 years and at his ability to articulate all that we were going through. And, I was actually able to see that my son, my beautiful son, was free from what had tormented him.
I could certainly praise my Jesus for that.
Oh, but the loss! And the sheer gut-wrenching longing that he would have received the help so eagerly offered him instead of deciding to be finished…
“I will offer You a sacrifice of thanksgiving and will worship the Lord.” Psalm 116:17
Can I tell you a bit about my son?
He was a delight from his first moments of breath on this planet. He was full of energy, and when I say “full”, I mean over-the-top action all the time. He took me out of my comfort zone in those first years with his outgoing personality and zest for life. He’d talk to every person we passed during our days of doing life together while I would tend to be quieter and shyer. Oh, but not Kyle. He ran hard after everything that delighted him. And made some noise doing it. He had such a generous heart and an impish grin that really did let you know trouble was coming. School became a mix of many victories and many areas to work on. Though he was definitely high maintenance, he was also highly entertaining. And the joy, oh mercy, the joy! We knew a full measure of joy with this son of ours, and at the same time, we knew our desperate need of Jesus, too.
That truly became our story later in his adult years. While, on the one hand, we watched God give him such beautiful opportunities to share his love of the outdoors with others, we also saw such a need for Jesus to rescue him from his depression and sadness in his last several years. Kyle was a mountain man… a very successful mountain guide, ice climber, avalanche educator, and, in the slower months and on the side, he did rope-access work on those huge windmills. He was well-respected in every capacity.
Gosh, even today, the loss can overwhelm me…
“For He Himself is our peace.” Ephesians 2:14
Early on in the loss of Kyle, I made a deliberate decision not to hide. To be honest, I truly wanted to hide but even more so I wanted to see God glorified through some measure of this grief. So, I would post a picture or two on various social medias and share some words. I would do anything to keep some other mother from this kind of devastation but I don’t begin to know how.  What I can do, however, is just trust God to work through my willingness to share. He alone can make anything good out of this story. I realized early on in our loss, that as hard as my husband and I worked to help Kyle – to encourage him and guide him and certainly to love him – that he was an adult and made his own decisions.
While I never, ever would have chosen this story for my precious family, I do get to choose what I do with it. And I get to praise my Jesus. I get to believe Him, even if I’m overwhelmingly sad, grieving, or undone. Bless His holy name.
Thank you for understanding that many aspects of our experience, we simply think are too sacred, too private for sharing or discussing. But what I can say is this: if someone you love is isolating himself/herself, do everything in your power to reach out to the person and pull him/her back into a safe circle of loved ones. I have seen the damage done by the enemy when he draws people in crisis away from their safe place, their safe people. Of course, we did do everything we knew to do in our own circumstance. Just looking back, I so wish I could have changed this outcome.
*May I just enter a note here to those of you who are personally dealing with deep depression, mental illness, chaos in your home or a lack of hope for any reason? Please seek help. And continue to get it. Don’t isolate yourself. Believe those who love you when they tell you how valuable and wonderful you are and how much you have to offer. Listen to them and not just to your own thoughts. Trust Jesus. Make plans for tomorrow. Dare to hope.
Do. Not. Do. This. Devastation.To. Your. People.
God has a plan. For you. And it’s good.
“I say: the Lord is my portion, therefore I will put my hope in Him.” Lamentations 3:24
I really cannot tell my story without the obvious truth that without God, Jesus, and His Word, I would have been a literal mess. (Of course many days I was, and am, still a mess, even with Him.) And I can’t talk about my faith walk without telling you that Beth and I have been friends for 30 years, and truly, no one on this planet has helped me in my faith journey more than she has. She truly has taught me how to do life as a Christ-follower. By watching her, studying with her, living my life around her life, I have gleaned such treasures of the kingdom. And I am so grateful. (Understatement of the year) Her hard pursuit of Christ, and her lavish love of her Savior have encouraged me, and strengthened me, and I am quite sure compelled me to want the same. My love of Jesus, and people, is spurred on by hers. And if I said thank you every day for the rest of my life, it would not be enough. (I know many of you feel the same way about her and what she has meant to your faith life.) Beth, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you! My heart beats even stronger for Jesus because of you, and I cannot imagine my life without Him, or you. Thank you for caring so deeply for our loss, and hurt. And thank you so much for letting me tell a bit of our story here. What a grace gift. We do not want this to be our story, but since it is, we want the Lord to receive all the glory for what He’s done. For Who He is. Thank you for the space to do just that.
If I may, and with Beth’s complete support and agreement, I just want to address a thought or misconception I have heard from time to time: that, if you are in ministry like Beth is, or work with someone as wonderful as my coworkers, you have no problems. Or, at least, that is what some people have suggested throughout the years. Often people ask how wonderful it is to work here. Don’t get me wrong, it truly is. These people at Living Proof Ministries are my family and I dearly love each and every one. We have had so many blasts together. However, being in full-time ministry certainly does not negate any troubles coming your way. All of us here at Living Proof have them. We have heartbreaks and disappointments and burdens just like you do. Ministry does not add a bonus protective-coating on you and your family. It does not mean that you or your loved ones won’t go through the pit of deep despair. I wish it meant that you won’t ever live out your worst nightmare, but it doesn’t. P R A Y for your Bible teachers, your church leaders, your pastors, your ministry teams, worship leaders! Honestly, when you think of them, pray for them! I know it would mean so much to them. You have no idea what they may be suffering privately.
 “On the day I called, You answered me; You increased strength within me.” Psalm 138:3
I still have so many questions, so few answers…..yet, I can rest in what I do know, what I am sure of:
*God is faithful. He has been in the past, and He will be in the future. So that must mean He is faithful today as well. With Him, I can do today.
*God has been so very near to us. (And I pray the same for you and your family, no matter what you are going through, that His presence with you will be palpable.) And, at times, when I do not feel Him near?  I know without a doubt that He’s still here with me.
*God’s Word still remains. And is for us in every circumstance. Not one Scripture fell off the page. It stands secure.
*God has never left us nor forsaken us. And I have found that, no matter what, I get to trust Him.
“Give the Lord the glory due His name; worship the Lord in the splendor of His holiness.” Psalm 29:2
Looking back, I can’t really believe we have survived. Truthfully, I’m not sure how we did, except Jesus. (Side note here: the Body of Christ – and community –  is a beautiful thing, especially in times of loss and devastation. Our people came from far and wide to help us, support us, and just grieve with us. Our deepest thanks to each and every person who supported us and prayed for us in these challenging times, sent cards, brought food, texted, emailed, phoned…)
We still miss our son every day. Every Single Day. Some days the pain is too deep for words. But our perspective now is more eternal than ever before. In our ordinary lives, we have this glimpse of eternity, with our son waiting on the other side, and we long for that. And we long for Him: our Jesus. And He is the Only One to satisfy that longing. Let Him do that for you today.
“for You are their magnificent strength…” Psalm 89:17
Thank you for listening. We at LPM care so very much for each of you and truly want to see you find full freedom and victory in Jesus. No matter what comes your way, choose Him. He is so very faithful.
With Love,
Nancy
Nancy, you have given a brave and honest and beautiful testimony of God’s faithfulness through the worst of tragedies. I’ve admired your strength and honesty as you posted meaningful Scriptures and heartfelt comments on Facebook. Stay strong in His strength and anointing on your life. Hugs and love, Annette
Thank you so much, Annette, may God bless you with an extra dose of joy today. Appreciate your kindnesses so much.
Wasn’t sure how to reply. Except maybe your last words have kept me from repeating the loss to my family. I’ve had plenty hard enough to contemplate the idea. But I’m just old enough (and have been) to know that that THEY LOVE ME. THEY NEED ME. Even though Its VERY tempting to feel that no one cares really and that no one would be at a loss really…or worse to consider that they might be *better* off without me. But the sense of selflessness that comes from the bible and also the sense of purpose that feels sooo hard to find… REAL PURPOSE…. that also comes from there…keeps me walking this earth. I’m deeply sorry for your loss. As I was also for the Warrens loss. I am a mother (and a flawed one to say the least) but would it ever happen to me I consider the heart slam it would provide. And so flawed or not I try ever more diligently to be careful. All the while knowing that My best is in God’s hands. And that He knows. And so yet again. I can pray. For my life. For hers… my daughter. And for you my friend who have lost and still love. Ain’t no loss bigger than a child. and child died of his will makes it harder I think. I’m sorry Nancy.
Tanya, thank you for writing your comment. I think the only reason I would go “public” if you will, is to hopefully keep someone else for living this same nightmare. It is a lie from the enemy, plain and simple, if you hear the words that not one would care, no one would miss you. I looked around at my son’s memorial service at HUNDREDS who came to grieve with us….
If. only. he. knew. how. loved. he. was…..
Get whatever help you need to support you, and counsel you, if you need help finding a counselor, call our office, we have phone numbers to share. I am praying for you right this very minute…may God bless you dearly, and keep you.
Nancy,
Thank you for sharing your precious Kyle with us. I know that sharing your life is hard, for one of our daughters is dealing with depression and we are starting to share it. We have had many moments when we thought we were going to lose her, but God has kept her here for a purpose that only he understands. She is not the same person she was, for she is angry with God.
My heart aches for you and your family. Our God is the God of all comfort and he loves you with an everlasting love and underneath are his everlasting arms. He is going to open doors to relationships you never thought possible while He continues to love you. With tears I say I love you and I am praying for you.
Oh, Monica, how sorry I am that you know any of the heartbreak of a child dealing with this….but how thankful I am that yours is still here. truly. mad or not, she’s here. You still have time to tell her again how loved she is. I know the weariness that comes, and I am praying right now for your heart to be steadfast in Him, and for His strength to be yours (and hers too). May your family know a new hope this Easter season!
Nancy,
I want to say how truly sorry I am for your loss. Kyle sounds like he was a delightful person. I read your post on March 16, the three year anniversary of our precious daughter’s death. (God’s timing never ceases to amaze me!) She, too, struggled with depression, and at age 31, when she tired of fighting it, took her own life. Learning to live without her presents new challenges, but I thank the Lord daily that she is finally at peace, and for His comfort and grace in carrying us through. Our faith is stronger than ever! The support from family, friends and church community has also been appreciated beyond measure.
You have beautifully articulated many of the same emotions we have experienced on our journey in this new normal. Thank you for sharing your heartfelt and inspiring testimony. May God richly bless you dear sister in Christ!
Julia, truly only God could help us, heal us, or give us hope, amen?! I am so very sorry for your loss…honestly, I hurt just thinking about someone else having to feel all these feelings. BUT so grateful you too have Jesus, and have learned to glorify Him in the midst. How beautiful He is to us, better than He has to be. His best to you and yours, dear sister. I feel we would be good friends in real life. 🙂
Thank you so much for your vulnerability, Nancy. We at ReDevotionals are a HUGE fan of Lproof.org and are so thankful for transparency in the virtual world. Thanks for all you do!
Thank you so much for your kind words. God bless you in all you do.
My heart hurts for you – Will be praying for you & your family. Hugs & blessing from a sister in Christ
Thank you, Kym, hugs and blessings right back to you. God’s richest blessings to you and yours.
Nancy…
My heart goes out to you and your precious son. I can’t begin to thank you for sharing your faith, your heart, and most of all, your hope.
We have never actually met, but I have thanked God and prayed for you so many times over the past year. I have even prayed that someday I would get to meet you, and today I feel like that prayer a little bit came true.
Like Kyle, I also struggle with depression and wanting to die. In fact, last February I wrote a long (really long) letter to Beth. I never expected anyone would read it, but that letter landed in your hands. I see now you received it at such a pain filled time in your life and cannot imagine how hard it was for you. I can only say I am so thankful you did not hide yourself away after Kyle died. I am so grateful it was you who received that letter. Had I not received your response-words of such unexpected grace and hope-I’m not sure where I’d be right now.
I can tell you, I have carried your letter in my purse every day since I received it over a year ago. On my worst days (like today) when I think I cannot go on I take your letter out and read your words. They help give me hope.
Thank you, Nancy, for your beautiful soul and for allowing God to work so gloriously through you. Know that I will be continually praying for you.
I am just speechless right now….
Tammy, oh my goodness, how GOOD is God?!! He cares so intimately and lavishly for each of us! He did something in me I couldn’t possibly do, to show you His care….truly a miracle….then for you to tell me about it, such a grace gift. Thank you for bravely sharing your story. Thank you for your kind words… Please tell me you are getting good, godly counsel? I am praying for you right now, for this depression to FLEE in Jesus’ name, and for the mighty resurrection power of Jesus to flood your heart and soul! For His hope to be all over you, in such fresh ways! Please know that God used you today to strengthen my feeble heart, dear sister. much love to you.
I join Nancy in her prayers for you tonight, Tammy. That God’s perfect love would wrap you up tight and that that Spirit of Love would bring healing to you heart, soul, mind and strength. Fight hard to run to Jesus, Baby Girl. I pray that any heaviness and spirit of depression would flee now in Jesus’ name. May His richest blessings be poured out over you and may His love be lavished upon you in the night hours. His grace is sufficient…
Nancy,
I hope all is well with you. I have continued to pray for you over the past few years, particularly at this time of year.
I have thought of writing you a letter since 2014 to tell you how God used you in my journey, but I wanted to wait until I was truly living victoriously in Christ. Although God has brought me so far, I have yet to write that letter…but I am getting closer to it every day. Truly, He has already made me into a walking miracle. I owe God everything.
I mentioned a few years ago how I prayed to meet you, but I never truly thought there would be an opportunity for us to meet. Nor was I sure that you would want to meet me or feel comfortable meeting a stranger. I understand that.
But over the past few days I have begun to realize if I don’t even ask you, I’ll regret it for a long time to come. Although I feel confident we will meet at some point in the next life, it would be a beautiful, joyful moment to meet you in this one. And although if we met I probably would not be able to verbalize the impact you’ve had on my life, I would love to simply give you a hug.
I will be in Houston for Beth’s class on Saturday. (And yes, I apologize for giving you no notice!) If you have time and feel comfortable meeting up for a cup of coffee, I will be in town on Sunday and early Monday morning before flying back to PA. It would be an absolute blessing to meet you in person.
I hope you receive this in time and look forward to hearing from you.
Blessings,
Tammy
Hi Nancy,
Thanks for sharing your painful loss and the love that Jesus gave you during this difficult time. Like you, my 19 year old son took his life in February of 1994. It’s been 21 years and my God has given me the love and strength to continue in this life. I, like you, was very grateful for my two living children. I knew I needed to show them that when life knocks you down, you pray and you get back up and go on. God will never forsake us. By sharing our stores, we help others that experience the same pain to know that they are not alone. That was very helpful at the time and continues to be helpful. The funeral director asked if I wanted my son’s obituary to read that he died suddenly rather than to say anything about he suicide. We decided to ask that any donations people might want to make be designated to the Suicide Prevention Center. There were people that we didn’t know that made donations. Praise God. We are a small but deeply wounded segment of society that has the distinction of being survivors of our child’s suicide. I believe by God’s Grace that we can in some way help others that join our ranks. God Bless you for sharing your story. Please know that I am praying for you. Blessings, Judi Blair
Judi, I am so sorry that you, too, share this kind of loss. My heart hurts for your family. But I am so encouraged at the same time – for you truly are on the other side, giving praise to God. “God will never forsake us.” amen and amen! Thank you for sharing your story with me, please know I am praying for you right now. May God truly bless you and keep you.
I am so sorry for your loss. So very painful to read and hear but am so thankful for your transparency in sharing and encouraged to hear how faithful the Lord is being everyday in everyway to your family. May the Lord continue to heal your hurt, carry your sorrow, and hold your fragile hearts until you see your son again.
Bonnie, thank you for your sweet words. God bless you richly.
Nancy, your post has touched me deeply. Thank you. My 35 year old son has struggled with depression/anxiety for over 2 decades. My heart, soul and spirit have often felt crushed due to the pain of not being able to remedy his suffering. I truly pray for your ongoing strength through our Lord’s love. I recognize the remarkable abilities and strengths your son shared with this broken world. God Bless you and yours, dear Sister in Christ.
Kathy, I am praying for you and your son right now, asking God to break the strong hold depression has on him! May He, the Lord, infuse you with a fresh energy to bring to the situation, and may this Easter, your hope be full. God bless you for sharing, sister. Keep your eyes on Him.
Your reply and prayers are a divine treasure. May all our prayers for each other and for our precious children break through the darkness and bring the light of Christ to heal and to protect anyone suffering from these attacks on families and the minds of God’s young people. May you be blessed as you have blessed us.
Oh Nancy….Thank you for sharing…we have had 2 suicides in our family…in 1996 my brother in law and in 2004 my 15 year old nephew….there are no words to describe the pain and loss…the toughest part was people not knowing what to say or how to act..its not a normal death….all I can do is continue to trust even in the anger and shock I felt…
I love you and would live to meet you and share more deeply with you….there is so much in my heart that I still don’t understand….
Big Hugs!! Donna
Donna, I am so stunned. and so saddened for your losses. So grateful you have the Lord to lean on, even after all this time, we still so need Him. May He love on you, and bless you with His profound peace.
I so needed this today! Our son is a miracle from God from day one. Born premature at 28wks, weighed 1 lb 15oz. He has always been a fighter and always testing life’s boundaries. He is 20yrs old, struggles with addiction, depression and anxiety…I know that God has called him to amazing things but most days he doesn’t see that. Please pray for our family, I know God is greater than it all! Some days scream louder than I can praise…
Oh, Cynthia, praying for him, and you, right now! May God touch him in a personal way, with profound love, and great victory! You keep your eyes on Him, dear one, and keep believing Him. I would love to hear an update when you have one.
I feel so honored that you would introduce us to Kyle and share him with us. I absolutely cannot wait to meet him when we are all with Jesus face to face. I don’t know the pain you have felt, but I do know grief and how it is sometimes so surprisingly unpredictable. I will pray for you and yours from now on.
Lisa, your kind words mean so much to me, thank you. Thank you for caring, and praying. May God lavish you with His joy today.
No words. Just Wow. What a powerful, wonderful testimony. Thank you.
Jill, such compassion in the body of Christ, thank you for your gentle and kind words. Thank you for listening to our story, may God bless you and yours.
Oh Nancy,
I am so sorry for your loss. Sending love and more prayers and a (((hug))). Thank you for the courage to share your story. My mother’s mom took her own life when my mom was a senior in high school. Not many talk about my grandmother and I’m just convinced that there are a lot of good stories and memories. I love the beautiful memories you shared with Kyle. The line that impacted me so much was “I do get to choose what I do with it.” Sister, I believe our JESUS is being lifted high in your season of mourning. The Scripture that you breathed out in your retelling is beautifully interspersed as a response to your loss and is obviously the cornerstone of your rooting in GOD. May HE continue to strengthen and sustain you.
With so much love and admiration for your faith and courage,
Lora Lovin Osburn
Thank you so much, Lora, for your kind words and support. God be praised for any good that comes from such heartache. He truly is our Life. God bless you, friend.
Such a great read, thank you very much for sharing
Thank you so much. God be praised.
Nancy I am truly sorry for your incredible loss which I (hopefully) will never understand. You are truly an inspiration. God Bless you and keep you.
Thank you so much, Rebecca, for your kind support. We are totally thankful to the Lord for His strength and comfort. God bless you, dear one.
Thank you.
thank you! 🙂
Our stories are so different, but yet so similar – Dear Nancy. I’ve received those cards and sweet letters with your unique script penned across the page. You read my story some nine years ago as I poured our my heart and my tears to Beth in gratitude and some needed respite. You just recently thanked me for a small gift. I feel as if I know you – though we’ve never met.
Thank you for serving, but more than that – thank you for trusting us with your precious Kyle and the story of God’s beautiful mercy and redemption in the throes of such unimaginable grief.
I cannot begin to imagine the loss of one to suicide, but I have lost a son myself. One who sounds a lot like your Kyle. Adventurous spirit, loud – raucous at times – funny and sweet or bold and daring… For us Bi-Polar Disorder seemed to rule his day. He would swing hard from that pendulum of fits of rage to the rocky lows and sorrows and then back up to the other side of just awkward silliness. He never seemed to quite fit, though he loved hard and rung every last drop of life right out of whatever experience he found himself in… After his passing I found a Bible Study journal I had given to him in middle school. Though he could barely spell (dyslexia) he wrote as perfectly as you please in a hand drawn cross “Jesus is Lord… I need to be a better man.”
Those last few years I watched as my man child spun so destructively out of control feeling helpless to stop him as he figured out his meds could be useful for when he wanted to be in control and much less useful when he wanted to be entertained.
His life ended, not by his own hand, but by a tragic accident when his young friend pushed the limits speeding through an intersection and got caught by turning traffic. Still as I read your beautiful testimony of the goodness of our Lord in the land of the living I see you, as I, have not lost hope.
I, too, counted those years I had my sweet boy a blessing and little by little as I more and more counted the blessings and rebuked the curse of death — I found my God so faithful to redeem as I trusted Him living out my worst confessed fear.
Every word of your testimony resonates with my experience and my heart. I love you, dearly sister, though we have never met. You are precious to us all and I pray diligently for God to redeem back as only He can every moment stolen. I love to say that I have sent my son ahead to Heaven for Safe Keeping. Until that glorious day… When Jesus and I give him a grand old hug because I too have come face-to-face with my Savior.
This part of your post was particularly meaningful… “What I can do, however, is just trust God to work through my willingness to share. He alone can make anything good out of this story.”
Amen. God’s so good to us, even in the depths of pain and sorrow. Thank you again, Nancy, for giving of yourself to us this day. And sharing such a bittersweet testimony of God’s glorious redeeming power at work in you.
Love, M
Oh, Michelle, how sorry I am for your own profound loss! Please know I have prayed for you, right now, for an extra measure of His peace, especially this week approaching Easter…Thank you for your kind, generous words, and your support. May His lovingkindness overwhelm your heart and mind as we press on in Him. love to you.
Nancy,
Thank you for your sweet words of condolences for my loss. My son has been heavenward nearly 10 years. Some say time heals, but truly time only passes. I thank the Lord He would not let me go until I chose healing in my grief journey.
I followed Him through it and He delivered on every promised of Scripture I held fast, too. I’ve heard the saying, “You’ve been through the fire and don’t even smell like smoke.” And this I believe is true for me. We’ve moved beyond ashes and back to the joy and beauty of life fully alive.
I pray He continues to do the same for you. Easter is a special time when I look toward the cross and realize that God knows the pain of “losing” a child. His only Son suffered and died for us to be a part of His family. HIs peace that passes understanding has covered my heart and mind for the last 8 or 9 years with regard to my loss, though the agony of it can be found if I think on it or recount the story to a friend. You are precious, dear one. I said a prayer for you today. Love to you!
Dear Nancy,
I am astounded that you would share your personal tragedy with us Siestas ! I am on the verge of tears for you and your precious family. I am So Sorry ! I honestly do not know what else to say . . . Except that I will be praying for you . . .
I have several stories to share with Y’all, that have been very difficult for me. First, while I was finishing up teaching middle school students in the 2003-2004 school year, to the NW of Houston; I felt the Holy Spirit tugging upon my heart-strings, since living there for nearly 8.5 years. I had just found salvation in Christ Jesus the year before; but, I hesitantly (more like “kicking and screaming”) chose to move back to my hometown in southern Wisconsin. I did Not want to leave my newly found church, my new Bible study and Sunday School classes; (which were both taught by “Miss Beth”) in June, 2004.
My relocation was mainly due to my/our (I have 3 older sisters) mother , Elli’s/Elinor’s, newly diagnosed severe illness called Pulmonary Fibrosis, or PF; which had forced her to retire from working as a full-time Registered Nurse (RN); and my going to live with/and assist my dear parents. My Mom’s being forced to retire was due to her new requirement to use oxygen part-time.
However, I continue to lovingly call my Mom “James’ Dobson’s Strong-willed Adult” ! I make this claim mainly due to my Mom’s “fiesty-ness” when it came to doing odd jobs around the house after approximately a year of receiving this diagnosis. However, it was also after she had a rather new medical procedure done, to help improve her “quality of life”. (The procedure is called Trans-Tracheal-Oxygen. She was only the second person to have this procedure done in our city). The “odd jobs” included helping mow our rather large yard, raking, shoveling snow and using one of our 2 snow blowers; doing so each time minus her oxygen. Instead, she just worked, then panted her way to get her O2 cord; sat down for a short period of time, then went back to helping us out with jobs that her doctors considered to be rather “crazy”, for a person with her medical conditions.
Also, she loved nursing So much that when she made her “final tally of years”; she had officially been a RN for 52 years! This is due to the fact that my dear Mom began to feel so good that she decided to go back to work part-time as a “Home Health Nurse Case Manager” for some local agencies, being able to bring her O2 with her into people’s homes.
So, when she became ill; and was required to be hospitalized in the middle of February, 2013; not one of us in her immediate or extended family expected for her illness to develop into a major case of double pneumonia by the middle of March. However, just before she became worse, she was able to use Skype from her hospital room (with help from some of our “technology savvy” friends); in order to watch and try to listen to her oldest grand-daughter get married in another city, about 1.5 hours away from there. And, my 2 middle nephews were guiding the Skype sessions from Kenosha at the beginning of March. Then, Mom became somewhat better, and visited with many of her family members, church friends, and machine quilting friends. However, just a few days later, Mom’s condition worsened greatly. And, since she was still able to make decisions for herself; she and her lung specialist decided to have him put in a breathing tube, so he could complete a normally very invasive surgery (a bronchoscopy) to try to figure out which type of bacteria was causing this pneumonia. They were planning to be able to know which medications would cure it.
Unfortunately, my/our Mom did not get better here on Earth. However, our immediate and some extended family members were able to be with Mom when the Respiratory Therapist removed the breathing tube; after we had learned that many of her major organs were beginning to shut down the night beforehand. And, even her 11 year old grand-daughter chose to stay with her Grandma Elli. And, we all held hands, one holding Mom’s; and through streaming tears, we sang our favorite worship/church songs as breathing on her own apparently was not possible by this point in time. So, like my/our Dad, 5 years earlier; we sang her into her new Heavenly Home . . .
However, unfortunately, there is more to “this story” . . . Also very unexpectedly, both my brother-in-law’s father, Tom, and my Senior Pastor, John S., went to their Heavenly Homes just 8 days prior to Mom’s Home-going . . .
And, worse than that, my niece who had gotten married earlier in March, was expecting twins in late June, 2013; however, they found out that the baby boy passed away in her uterus the day before her ‘4 weeks until birth’ doctor’s appointment.
So, her doctors had to do a C-Section in order to make sure that the baby girl was healthy. However, though she was a pound or so under weight; being premature, she was, and still is very healthy ! And, the couple surprised us all, by giving her the most special name; after her great -grandma — Ellianna Faith ! Praise the Lord !
May God Bless You All !
Love, in Christ Jesus, Jennifer
Southern Wisconsin
Thank you for sharing, friend, so sorry for your own losses, and season of hardships, but thankful you are focused on the Lord, and strong in Him. God bless you.
Nancy,
My heart is flooded with such emotion while reading the pouring out of your heart! The hurt and loss, the trust, belief, and love are all so incredibly palpable and touched me so that I just had to write and thank you for sharing and not only trusting others with your hurt but offering the only hope that could possibly help us through when life gets so very hard, Jesus!
Thank you, thank you, thank you, for not only who you are but what you offer to so many! It is beyond measure and priceless! May God continue to bless you and keep you and cover you and your family with the sweetest peace and strength every day!
Thank you again! In Him, Misty
Misty, thank you for your kind words, truly God be honored in anything good that comes from our story. He is amazing in His ways, and He loves each of us, so specifically, and completely. I pray His deep love on you today, with much appreciation.
Been praying for you since reading your testimony days ago. Been thinking about “giving testimony.” Rev 12:11 … Being “LIVING PROOF”! To give testimony is really to love Jesus, trust Him and to show that HIS Redemption is true in the worst places, in the darkest places, in what looks like un-redeemable places… It really PROVES out The TRUE GOSPEL in real time living. Yours spoke to me mightily. Having already given testimony, past tense, do you feel a lifting of the weight…or of any oppression or a release of some kind? Do you feel the power of the prayers going up for you? Would you still give testimony knowing what you know now? I know it comes with pain too… (People saying the wrong things or coming across wrong or you feeling misunderstood etc.) I have been trying to write a book at the direction of the Lord for over year and a half … It’s a testimonial to show THE GOSPEL TO POST ABORTIVE and sexually abused,…and sin related …even occult abused… ….’i’ve been really stuck in writing it… so hard to give a testimony the right way by the Holy Spirit …hearing Him… Doing all to please Him and give glory to the power of the CROSS AND OUR JESUS and His finished work on our behalf. Page 41 Chiildren of the Day “our freedom comes with the head on collision between the truth of Christ and God’s truth about us. There beauty meets ugly, and authenticity is born, yowling like an injured cat freed from a mouse trap.”…. Satan loves to fuel our feelings of failure…. Just when we finally mustered the courage to act or take a stand for the gospel, he prompts us to believe we blew it. Our feelings of failure can start an ongoing cycle of inadequacy : if we feel like failures were act like failures and if we let that combination go unchecked will make our next decision out of same (Siri says: shame) perceived defeat. Two questions Beth asks: did you do the will of God as best you perceived it? were you authentic before God and man? I think in your testimony it sounds like a yes for both! Thank you! Thx u for showing the way to be vulnerable and confess the pain and hardship and yet TRUST AND BE in OBEDIENCE TO DO HIS WILL.
There are 130,000 abortions a day in the world I’m told according to David Platt… GOSPEL NEEDED! to reach …. John Ensor said in interview that abortion it is the most common experience of mankind in our generation! The valley of dry bones? oh how we need God’s breath … His very life breathe! RUACH! He alone is LIFE!
Thank you for your kind words, and testimony too, Deb. May God truly bless your own endeavors to give honor and praise to Him!
Psalm 95:1-3
Come let us shout joyfully to the Lord, shout triumphantly to the rock of our Salvation.
Let us enter His presence with thanksgiving, let us shout triumphantly to Him in song. For the Lord is a great God,a great King above all gods.
Speechless….. and grateful. Very grateful. Thank you so much for your testimony.
♥♥♥
Thank you so much. God bless you, Breahn.
Nancy, when word came that my son, at the age of 22, had taken his life, my husband, daughter, son-in-law, and one year old grandson were returning from vacation in Pensacola, traveling by car. We had made it to Alexandria, La. on our way home to southern Oklahoma. When we got the call, my husband found a place to get us off the interstate and we pulled into a cracker barrel restaurant parking lot, when the car stopped my 25 year old daughter, at the time, crawled into my lap in that car like she was an infant as we screamed and cried out our horror and overwhelming grief. It was the beginning of the July 4th holiday, it was so hot and humid that day. My husband and son-in-law managed to get us out of the car and into rockers in the shade. You see when the word first came, we didn’t realize he had taken his life, just that he had been found dead in his house. Then a second call came that it was a suicide and what was left of me imploded. My husband was the one to tell me, holding my hands in his. When he told me that, I jumped to my feet and said Oh, no, he did not, and then I took off running thru that parking lot, thinking I could somehow out run the anguish, I suppose, screaming JESUS at the top of my lungs, with my poor husband and daughter chasing me down. When they caught up to me, I had fallen on my face on that hot pavement, sobbing, and you know what, that’s when Jesus caught me. HE answered my call. Firmly and completely. HE gave me everything I needed and enabled me to minister to my family as we navigated thru this nightmare. This is the tip of the iceberg of what we’ve experienced since the moment we knew he was gone. My son was raised in a faithful, Godly home. He had a personal enthusiastic relationship with Jesus. Like your son, he suffered from depression. He doubted himself much too often. If it’s even possible, I think Logan loved too much, at least for this world. He would be devastated when someone didn’t love him back with the same fervor he loved them. Which would break my heart for him. We talked and talked about it. I am very thankful Logan isn’t suffering anymore. I have completed just about every study Beth has ever written, I have gone to many, many living proof live conferences. I have seen God move in mighty ways many times in my life and in the life of my family and friends. We never know what God is preparing us for in life. How the building up of our faith would enable us to survive the loss of a child. Who would have dreamed. My husband is a pastor, my brother is a pastor, we are a faith family. And then this. I have not doubted God’s faithfulness. I have not for a moment been angry with God or with Logan, which is what people seem to expect me to do. I will see my son again. I will say that suicide of a child can be a very isolating thing…friends and family tend to think never mentioning your child spares you from further hurt. Nothing is further from the truth. It has been 3 very long years, moving closer to 4. Logan was my best buddy, we went to lunch most days, talked on the phone several times a day. I miss him so much. God will be your constant companion and comfort, remember He knows what it’s like to loose a Son. In Christ great love and mercy, Susan
Oh, Susan….such heartbreak in hearing your story…I am truly so sorry for your loss. and your anguish. and your loneliness in all of this. I am asking God now to wrap His loving arms around you, (again, as I know He already has done) and hold you close. May you know deeply His great love and peace. Grateful you have Him, and you love Him so. my love to you, sister, along with my prayers for you and yours.
Oh Nancy…My eyes can hardly take the stinging from the tears…I don’t know your hurt and wish you didn’t know it either…
Thank you for sharing your son…please come back whenever you would like and tell us more about your sweet boy…we’d like to know him for when we meet him in Heaven.
Love to you sweet Mama and to your family.
Oh, Lana, I could tell you stories, for sure! Thank you for your kind words, and support, it truly means so much to me. God be praised…..His best to you.
Nancy, bless your sweet heart for opening your heart and soul, and sharing your precious son, Kyle, with us. Beautiful words of life here! So true, for I have felt them! One thing you said really hit me about how your perspective changes so drastically. Tho I have always been eternally minded, losing my son made me so much “more so”!
I love how your tragedy becomes your testimony! There is no way to survive a loss like that without The Lord! He meets you there in ways you never knew. Although our Troy didn’t take his own life, God spoke to my husband and me, in our spirits that He was sparing Troy something in his future that wasn’t good. How precious for Him to comfort you with His sovereignty and wisdom!
Since that time, my hearts desire has been for parents to know that the most important reason God loans these precious ones to us is to point them to Him! I know for certain there is no way we would have made it thru such a great loss without complete assurance that Troy was His! That when he checked out of here there was only one thing that mattered: his relationship with Jesus!
Love, prayers and blessings to you,
Rosalye
Rosalye, I am so sorry for your own deep loss of your son, Troy. My heart aches for you right now…I am thankful you have the Lord to share this burden with. Thank you for sharing a bit of Troy with us here. May God bless you with His perfect peace. love to you.
Karen, Christy, Cheryl A Cord of Three Strands
Jay, OK
For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.
Col. 3: 3-4 NIV
Nancy, Thank you for your honesty. I have a friend who lost her 32 year old son to suicide in January. I have been walking with her through it. Unlike you she had fallen away from the lord and is just now starting to look to God. Her son was addicted to heroin and apparently suicide was his only way out. It is so heartbreaking. I am 57 and have been friends with this woman since we were 15 🙂 If you have even a moment please pray for Sandi that she would find Christ as her real savior during this terrible journey.
Oh, Rhonda, I have just now prayed for Sandi, asking God to truly pluck her from her own despair, and set her high up on His hope. That He, even now, has rescued her, and saved her. His resurrection frees us to rejoice even in the midst of such turmoil. Oh, how I pray it for her! I’d be willing to talk with her if she would like, anything I could do to help….just let me know. God bless YOU as you minister to this dear woman and friend. much love.
Nancy, thank you for sharing your family with us. Praying for you all.
Angela, Mansfield TX
Thank you, Angela, God bless you.
Sarah Stephenson, Auburn, AL; “But whatever were gains to me, I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having righteousness of my own that comes from the la, but that which is through faith in Christ- the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. I want to know Christ – yes, to know the power of resurrection and participation in His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death, and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead.” Philippians 3:7-11, NIV
Kim Freeman Fort Worth Texas Ro. 11-33-36 NIV
Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! His judgments are unsearchable and his paths are beyond tracing out. Who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has ever been his counselor? Who has ever given to God, that God should repay him? For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be the glory forever! Amen.
Romans niv 12v5
So in Christ, we. Who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others
Nancy, please feel this BIG hug I send you right now, sweet sister loved by God. I am grateful you shared your precious Kyle with us, through your heart felt words, I was able to catch a glimpse of his spirit. Your transparency and honesty are a gift to so many! Just last summer my brother-in-law committed suicide. He was missing 3 weeks before he was found by Texas EquuSearch. I relate to your grief and sadness over such tragedy, and deeply bonded with you after reading your words: “Whatever kind of believer you are before tragedy happens, you get to decide again after the tragedy: do I believe? And the answer for me was absolutely yes. I had nowhere else to go but my Jesus.” I do not know how people, who do not know the Lord, handle tragedy. I know my faith has grown deeper and stronger after such grief, and I find myself glorifying God even more. This morning my sister (who lost her husband) called and we talked this blog, and about your bravery in sharing. We are grateful that you spoke about suicide and gloried God. You. Are. A. Grace. Gift. Today I choose my SSMT verse and will pray it for you Nancy, my sister, and myself: Psalm 18v1 “God, I love You. You make me strong.” (The Message)
Oh, Patrice, your words just slay me! Thank you. (I have big tears falling down my face.) The LORD is my only hope and peace, joy and love of my life….and yes, I too wonder how those without Him can possibly handle it. I am so sorry for your loss, for your sister’s loss. I just took a deep breath over the profound loss, and prayed for her. and you, as you support her. You are still experiencing that first year, too…so hard. I am praying for you, and asking God to make all things new this year for both of you. New hope, new joy, new purpose….May God bless both of you.
Never stop praying. 1 Thessalonians 5:17
Jane Lakey, Panama City Beach, Fl. Psalm 103: 12, NIV
As high as the east is from the west, so for has He removed our transgressions from us.
Sandie Cornelius, Oneida,TN
In God we boast all the day long, and praise thy name forever. Psalms 44:8 KJV
Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth: keep watch over the door of my lips. Psalm 141:3
Dorie from Hillsboro, KS
1 Thessalonians 5:19-22 “Do not stifle the Holy Spirit. Do not scoff at prophecies, but test everything that is said. Hold on to what is good. Stay away from every kind of evil.”
Jackye Bowen, Pendergrass, GA “Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always.” Psalm 105:4 NIV
Thank you, thank you, thank you! Dear sister in Christ – your story touches so close to home for me. So your words have been encouraging and a fantastic reminder of our awesome, loving God.
Thank you so much, Susan, for your kind words. I’m sorry if anything in your life is able to relate to this….praying for you right now. His great grace to you this day.
Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.
James 5:16
ESV
Show me your ways, O Lord,teach me your paths;guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. Psalm 25:4-5 NIV
Ashlyn Bowen, Pendergrass, GA-“Let them praise His name with dancing; Let them sing praises to Him with timbrel and lyre.” Psalm 149:3, NIV
Ansley Bowen, Pendergrass, GA-“Do not be deceived, my beloved brethren.” James 1:16 NASB
He who overcomes shall inherit all things, and I will be his God and he shall be my son.
Revelation 21: 7
Emily Mechaniscville, VA
From whom every family in Heaven and on earth is named
Ephesians 3:15 ESV
Nancy, I thank God for you! For you have determined that you will not “waste the suffering” that has been laid at your feet. Oh how painful! I am so sorry!! But because you REFUSE to let Satan win, and you choose to glorify GOD and His faithfulness to you and your family throughout this time, you tell your story. And in so doing, I know that I know that I know…that others will be spared. You will never know how many have been saved from devastation, or how many have sought help, or how many have paused from a life ending act, because you have shared Kyle with the world. May God continue to bless you and yours as you walk this journey. Praying for you!
And, I have chosen Psalm 56:9, “This I know, that God is for me” as my memory verse, because of your post. What a precious gem! Hold tight to Jesus dear one!
Brenda, your words are so sweet, thank you so much. You graced me with such kindness, and oh, how I pray that someone, many someones are spared the same pain. I am thankful for sisters such as you, that support us, and pray for us. Thank you for letting us share- and please know, what a treasure you are!
I am using an alias to protect my son’s privacy.
Oh my dear sister, my heart breaks for you and for Susan and others who have responded with similar stories! Thank you for sharing and for allowing our great God to use this for His purposes and His glory!
Last year, the night before Easter, our youngest (then 15), hung himself in his room. – Praise God! In His generous mercy, He spared our son’s life!
Prior to this we had been having some trouble with our son and as part of his punishment we removed his bedroom door. PTL!
Earlier that day we discovered marijuana and caught him in a lie. Later as I stood in the kitchen preparing for a big Easter lunch I heard banging in his room. I thought i would ignore it and let him get his anger out… Something (God!) urged me to go immediately… I found him hanging from the ceiling fan, already unconscious. I frantically tried to lift him while screaming for my husband. He was able to cut him down in time!! EMS came, he spent 9 days in the hospital on suicide watch. Even that was quite an experience.
God was so very gracious and generous to us! Our son doesn’t have any physical impairments from that -and it certainly could have been a very different outcome.
I have pondered SO many “what ifs”. If the bedroom door wasn’t removed he would have locked it, if I had been running water or still been in the basement with my husband, I wouldnt have heard the banging, if I hadn’t paid attention to God’s urging to go…
And I have (and still am) worked through SO much anger and fear (yes, we are all getting counseling).
Glory to our sweet God! He has taught me a lifetime of lessons in the last 11 months. (And this doesn’t even account for the previous year of how God carried our family through my husband’s cancer and chemo. Another dramatic and wonderful story of God’s care for us!)
One beautiful lesson I’d like to share: I found myself battling anger -even anger at God. I had a hard time praying. .. I was, but so feebly. I was washing dishes one night and praying pitifully. Through so many previous trials i have learned to seek how the Lord wants to use the trial – so (and I’ll confess I was angry and doubtful), I asked God how ANY good could come from this, how He could possibly use my son’s injury and hanging for any good whatsoever?? I had the most stunning, profound and even beautiful answer. The answer was so sudden I almost felt it.
He said ” I used My Son’s injury and hanging for your good!”
I don’t have words to describe my response. Through so much pain and grief He gave His sweet Son to hang for us!! And I can say how sweet He is to show me this more fully and clearly! I surely wouldn’t choose to go through this and would never want anyone else to, but give Him glory for the lessons from this!
I hope this somehow encourages or blesses you and whomever else may read it. I want so much for the Lord to use it – but because we want to honor our son’s privacy, we don’t share this with very many.
Love to you, my sisters I have yet to meet! I look forward to worshipping with you when we finally meet at the feet of our Savior!
oh, MEG!!! My heart literally dropped to my feet, then rose again as I read your testimony! I am joyful with you at the safe recovery of your beloved son, but cannot imagine the trauma you had throughout that season! How I pray yesterday (Easter) was such a stunning glorious celebration, for all of you. Thank you for sharing, and know that I am praying for you right now. May God truly be glorified in you and through you! much love to you.
I have treasured your name in my heart so that I may not sin against you. Psalms 119:11. Christian Standard Bible.