Hey, everybody. I so often wish you could meet the stellar women I get to serve alongside at Living Proof, especially because they serve this blog community every workday in one way or another. They are such incredible women of God and slack-jawing graces to this former pit-dweller. I want you to meet one of them today and hear her very moving story. If you’ve ever mailed a letter to Living Proof, in all likelihood, you have been touched by her. Nancy Mattingly is one of the best friends I have in this world. We have known one another for thirty years, our paths crossing often then ultimately converging in ministry. When we were very young moms, she’d come to my home once a month for a prayer breakfast with other women just like us and we’d sit cross-legged on that den floor, our Bibles wide-open, and seek Jesus with everything we had. We are both fitness junkies. She bikes and runs. I wear out an elliptical and hike. We’re both teachers by trade and by calling. We love music and we love it loud.
Nancy heads up correspondence at Living Proof Ministries. She heads it up because I hand-chose her. And I did so because she is wise and warm and wonderful and witty and compassionate and strong and loving. You cannot know her and miss being touched by her. The gift she has been to me is beyond estimation. My heart fell into my feet in ministry when I realized that the letters and needs filling up our LPM mailbox were more than one person could manage. I wanted to respond personally to the women who wrote in. I wanted them to know I’d heard their stories. I wanted to pray for them in response letters and give them verses that might resonate with their circumstances and challenges. I came to a point that I flat-out could not keep up with the correspondence and still write and teach Bible studies. I needed someone I could trust to the bone to head up that crucial position here at LPM.
And that was Nancy. She has cried with you, laughed with you, written you, prayed for you, pored over every word you’ve mailed to this address, and shared many of your stories with me and with our staff. I love her so much. And you would love her, too. We have been through so much together as a ministry staff. We rejoice together and weep together, laugh till our sides split together and bawl our eyes out together. We have each had several turns being the one who needed rallying around the most. We’ve stood by one another through such a variety of things that I wouldn’t know where to stop a list of categories. But we, as a staff of very close friends, have never been through anything harder than the story you are about to hear. I can hardly type these words to you without crying. I knew that one day – and sooner than later – Nancy would share this story because I know the woman of God she is. I knew God would be outrageously glorified. I knew that this would turn back on the devil and make him sorry he messed with her and her family. And so it begins.
Please meet one of the dearest people on earth to me and to all of us here at Living Proof. This is our friend, Nancy. She has a story to tell you because we at this ministry have not had the luxury of naiveté. We have hurt. And we know that you have hurt. And, because of Jesus, we have hope. And we want you to have hope. We believe that our stories and journeys have been entrusted to us so that we can do what we’ve been called to do: serve women. Serve you. So, today, this is how we will do it.
From Nancy:
Late in 2013, I was compelled to find a particular sign I’d seen a while back. I really didn’t understand why, but just knew I wanted it for our family. I needed it. It simply said “it is well with my soul”. I bought the very last one the store had, brought it home, placed it on the hearth, and announced to my people, “this is our word for 2014.”
Little did I know how much I would need that reminder.
Every day.
January 28th, 2014 was a day that we will never forget, getting the news that our beloved firstborn son had taken his own life. And just like that, he was gone. And we had so many questions that will not be answered this side of heaven.
I can’t even put into words what shock we were in. Disbelief. Pain. My husband and I were at home that day, while all of Houston was shut down for an “ice storm” that never really came to fruition. Our Living Proof Tuesday night Bible study was cancelled for that evening. Otherwise, I would have been right there serving with my coworkers. Looking back on it, the cancellation was such a personal gift from Jesus because it put me home with my man where we received the news together. We had just finished some chicken and wild rice soup, and were watching a movie.
The doorbell rings, and I go to answer it.
Two policemen were at our door asking for my husband. (You would typically think something terrible immediately, seeing police at your door, however I didn’t, as we had been dealing with the police in the last month over a stolen bicycle. So, for some reason, I thought it had to do with the bike, and cheerily welcomed them in.) It was then that they told us the devastating news of Kyle.
No words.
“If Your revelation hadn’t delighted me so, I would have given up when the hard times came.” Psalm 119:92, The Message
Shock can begin immediately and with a vengeance. And it did. We both had such severe issues, but tried to listen to all the police were telling us. Once they left, I remember that we sat on the couch, held hands, and my very strong husband prayed. Oh, how we needed Jesus! In that moment, and in the days to come….
And He was there.
He supernaturally held us through the longest of days and nights.
Through the terrible phone calls to our other children, all living out of town.
Through arranging international travel to get our daughter home from Hong Kong where she had moved just 2 weeks earlier to nanny some children of special missionary friends.
Through the pacing and the arranging and the decisions and the deep desire to go to bed. Then we’d finally get there only to lay there, unable to sleep.
But God Was There.
Whatever kind of believer you are before tragedy happens, you get to decide again after the tragedy: do I believe? And the answer for me was absolutely yes. I had nowhere else to go but my Jesus.
“This I know: God is for me.” Psalm 56:9
People are interesting, especially in the ways they process crises. Some trickled into our home as the news spread. Even in the midst of the first few hours of our new reality, we were able to find humor. And since humor is best shared, I had a dear, beloved life-long friend with whom to share it. We got bent-over tickled over one specific incident, and I realized even then that it was just another grace gift from the Lord. It was a brief respite from the overwhelming grief.
And it set the tone of the year, where we would dance: between the waves of deepest grief, and the pockets of joy.
I also found that, throughout my grief, I had to balance my sadness and loss, my overwhelming sense of failure as a mother, and my fear and anxiety for my family
WITH
the obvious care and tending the Lord was doing, the gratitude I had in all that He had given us through our children, and especially through Kyle himself.
I thanked Him for the gift of 32 years with my son. I was grateful, so grateful, for the outlandish gifts my other children were to me. I marveled at this man I had been married to for 34 years and at his ability to articulate all that we were going through. And, I was actually able to see that my son, my beautiful son, was free from what had tormented him.
I could certainly praise my Jesus for that.
Oh, but the loss! And the sheer gut-wrenching longing that he would have received the help so eagerly offered him instead of deciding to be finished…
“I will offer You a sacrifice of thanksgiving and will worship the Lord.” Psalm 116:17
Can I tell you a bit about my son?
He was a delight from his first moments of breath on this planet. He was full of energy, and when I say “full”, I mean over-the-top action all the time. He took me out of my comfort zone in those first years with his outgoing personality and zest for life. He’d talk to every person we passed during our days of doing life together while I would tend to be quieter and shyer. Oh, but not Kyle. He ran hard after everything that delighted him. And made some noise doing it. He had such a generous heart and an impish grin that really did let you know trouble was coming. School became a mix of many victories and many areas to work on. Though he was definitely high maintenance, he was also highly entertaining. And the joy, oh mercy, the joy! We knew a full measure of joy with this son of ours, and at the same time, we knew our desperate need of Jesus, too.
That truly became our story later in his adult years. While, on the one hand, we watched God give him such beautiful opportunities to share his love of the outdoors with others, we also saw such a need for Jesus to rescue him from his depression and sadness in his last several years. Kyle was a mountain man… a very successful mountain guide, ice climber, avalanche educator, and, in the slower months and on the side, he did rope-access work on those huge windmills. He was well-respected in every capacity.
Gosh, even today, the loss can overwhelm me…
“For He Himself is our peace.” Ephesians 2:14
Early on in the loss of Kyle, I made a deliberate decision not to hide. To be honest, I truly wanted to hide but even more so I wanted to see God glorified through some measure of this grief. So, I would post a picture or two on various social medias and share some words. I would do anything to keep some other mother from this kind of devastation but I don’t begin to know how. What I can do, however, is just trust God to work through my willingness to share. He alone can make anything good out of this story. I realized early on in our loss, that as hard as my husband and I worked to help Kyle – to encourage him and guide him and certainly to love him – that he was an adult and made his own decisions.
While I never, ever would have chosen this story for my precious family, I do get to choose what I do with it. And I get to praise my Jesus. I get to believe Him, even if I’m overwhelmingly sad, grieving, or undone. Bless His holy name.
Thank you for understanding that many aspects of our experience, we simply think are too sacred, too private for sharing or discussing. But what I can say is this: if someone you love is isolating himself/herself, do everything in your power to reach out to the person and pull him/her back into a safe circle of loved ones. I have seen the damage done by the enemy when he draws people in crisis away from their safe place, their safe people. Of course, we did do everything we knew to do in our own circumstance. Just looking back, I so wish I could have changed this outcome.
*May I just enter a note here to those of you who are personally dealing with deep depression, mental illness, chaos in your home or a lack of hope for any reason? Please seek help. And continue to get it. Don’t isolate yourself. Believe those who love you when they tell you how valuable and wonderful you are and how much you have to offer. Listen to them and not just to your own thoughts. Trust Jesus. Make plans for tomorrow. Dare to hope.
Do. Not. Do. This. Devastation.To. Your. People.
God has a plan. For you. And it’s good.
“I say: the Lord is my portion, therefore I will put my hope in Him.” Lamentations 3:24
I really cannot tell my story without the obvious truth that without God, Jesus, and His Word, I would have been a literal mess. (Of course many days I was, and am, still a mess, even with Him.) And I can’t talk about my faith walk without telling you that Beth and I have been friends for 30 years, and truly, no one on this planet has helped me in my faith journey more than she has. She truly has taught me how to do life as a Christ-follower. By watching her, studying with her, living my life around her life, I have gleaned such treasures of the kingdom. And I am so grateful. (Understatement of the year) Her hard pursuit of Christ, and her lavish love of her Savior have encouraged me, and strengthened me, and I am quite sure compelled me to want the same. My love of Jesus, and people, is spurred on by hers. And if I said thank you every day for the rest of my life, it would not be enough. (I know many of you feel the same way about her and what she has meant to your faith life.) Beth, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you! My heart beats even stronger for Jesus because of you, and I cannot imagine my life without Him, or you. Thank you for caring so deeply for our loss, and hurt. And thank you so much for letting me tell a bit of our story here. What a grace gift. We do not want this to be our story, but since it is, we want the Lord to receive all the glory for what He’s done. For Who He is. Thank you for the space to do just that.
If I may, and with Beth’s complete support and agreement, I just want to address a thought or misconception I have heard from time to time: that, if you are in ministry like Beth is, or work with someone as wonderful as my coworkers, you have no problems. Or, at least, that is what some people have suggested throughout the years. Often people ask how wonderful it is to work here. Don’t get me wrong, it truly is. These people at Living Proof Ministries are my family and I dearly love each and every one. We have had so many blasts together. However, being in full-time ministry certainly does not negate any troubles coming your way. All of us here at Living Proof have them. We have heartbreaks and disappointments and burdens just like you do. Ministry does not add a bonus protective-coating on you and your family. It does not mean that you or your loved ones won’t go through the pit of deep despair. I wish it meant that you won’t ever live out your worst nightmare, but it doesn’t. P R A Y for your Bible teachers, your church leaders, your pastors, your ministry teams, worship leaders! Honestly, when you think of them, pray for them! I know it would mean so much to them. You have no idea what they may be suffering privately.
“On the day I called, You answered me; You increased strength within me.” Psalm 138:3
I still have so many questions, so few answers…..yet, I can rest in what I do know, what I am sure of:
*God is faithful. He has been in the past, and He will be in the future. So that must mean He is faithful today as well. With Him, I can do today.
*God has been so very near to us. (And I pray the same for you and your family, no matter what you are going through, that His presence with you will be palpable.) And, at times, when I do not feel Him near? I know without a doubt that He’s still here with me.
*God’s Word still remains. And is for us in every circumstance. Not one Scripture fell off the page. It stands secure.
*God has never left us nor forsaken us. And I have found that, no matter what, I get to trust Him.
“Give the Lord the glory due His name; worship the Lord in the splendor of His holiness.” Psalm 29:2
Looking back, I can’t really believe we have survived. Truthfully, I’m not sure how we did, except Jesus. (Side note here: the Body of Christ – and community – is a beautiful thing, especially in times of loss and devastation. Our people came from far and wide to help us, support us, and just grieve with us. Our deepest thanks to each and every person who supported us and prayed for us in these challenging times, sent cards, brought food, texted, emailed, phoned…)
We still miss our son every day. Every Single Day. Some days the pain is too deep for words. But our perspective now is more eternal than ever before. In our ordinary lives, we have this glimpse of eternity, with our son waiting on the other side, and we long for that. And we long for Him: our Jesus. And He is the Only One to satisfy that longing. Let Him do that for you today.
“for You are their magnificent strength…” Psalm 89:17
Thank you for listening. We at LPM care so very much for each of you and truly want to see you find full freedom and victory in Jesus. No matter what comes your way, choose Him. He is so very faithful.
With Love,
Nancy
Thank you Nancy for sharing your beautiful testimony of His faithfulness with us. I sure did need it today! I am praying that God will bless you for your authenticity in a new and tangible way today. Thank you Beth for giving us the blessing of this post.
Thank you Julie, for your kind support. May God bless you richly.
As I read your tender words I could feel the emotional turmoil that you sadly endured. Although I do not know your pain, I am empathetic to your loss. Along with the pain, I feel the vigor of your faith. Several things that you said offered me hope in my distress. I promise you that I will begin to have the sparkle in my eyes and even though I did not create this chaos, I choose how to react to it. My faith and prayer will give me fortitude to make good decisions. Your courage is giving me strength in my sadness. I will keep you in my prayers. Thank you, Nancy
Lucy, I am so sorry for your sadness, but yet so thankful for your hope. He, indeed, is faithful. Maybe even today, your situation looks better?! God bless you.
Nancy, thank you so much for sharing your testimony of continuing to choose Jesus in the face of such heartbreaking and devastating loss. I am so sorry you lost your precious son. This is a story that could happen to any of us — none of our families are exempt from one of our own suffering from depression that can lead to suicide. May God use your testimony to comfort, encourage, and enlighten many. And may His comfort continue to carry and sustain you and your family. Blessings, dear sister.
Cheryl, thank you for your gracious words of support. Truly, we pray our story does help others, and lifts the veil that covers so many of these issues. God alone be praised. His blessings to you.
Oh, Ms.Nancy. I have cried my eyes out reading your story and have rejoiced in Gods victory over you and your family. Death is finial. And it makes it so hard, for the fact we can’t change it. My Mother went to be with The Lord in 2006. It has rocked my world in every way possible! Truly, without His grace I would not have made it. Me too, because of a LPL last year I have been set free of the enemy using that to defeat me. How Precious Ms.Beth is and you! So thankful for the many letters you took time to write back. Your kindness and love are so appreciated. 😉 Bless you. May our God wrap you in His love and allow your sweet heart to know how precious you are to Hos body! Thanks again for sharing. Much love. Jami Johnson. Xox
Jami, oh, how sorry i am for your loss of your precious mother…our moms are just irreplaceable, aren’t they?! i lost mine back in 1990, still miss her like crazy. So grateful you found freedom, dear one, keep your eyes on Him. Thank you so much for your comment. God bless.
Nancy,
Your post is the most beautiful tribute to Jesus and your son. Thank you for sharing and for showing us all that God is faithful and He will and does provide. Praise the Lord it is well with your soul!!! Prayers for continued healing and comfort and joy and provision and all that God has to give. The scriptures that you imbedded were just perfect.
Grace and peace to you. Julie
Thank you so much, Julie, for your kind words and encouragement. We give thanks to the Lord for His unending faithfulness. God bless you.
Thank you for sharing. I have some dear friends who lost their son/grandson two years ago due to depression. He was 20 years old. Their journey has been so very difficult, but Jesus has carried them.
God bless you as you serve Him.
M.J. in Lovington, NM
Oh, friend, I am so sorry to hear of your friends’ loss. Truly, it just rocks our world….but, God. He can take what we are quite sure we won’t survive, and bring forth fruit. and light. and hope. Bless His name!
I am very sorry for your loss and overjoyed for the memories that remain of your sweet son. Thank you so much for stepping up and out to share your story. Your message of God’s faithfulness and your faithful response to Him in seriously troubled times has resonated well with me today.
Nancy, you praised Him in the storm. You did it well, you are a beautiful and faithful servant. God be with you and continue to heal and bless you each and everyday. My love to you and your people. Hugs
This comment, Lora, is so gracious, thank you. I’m so grateful our story could minister in any small way. The Lord is great and worthy to be praised.
Nancy, please know I needed this. Thank you for sharing and being a wonderful example of how to handle this with God and not running away. I am sorry for your great pain. Praying for you and with you. Thank you for reminding me how much I need to offer up prayer for my Christian leaders too.
Jaye, thank you for telling me this touched you. I am grateful that the Lord can take such pain and with His touch, use it to help others. If we are going to hurt anyway, how much more blessed we can be if others can benefit from our story, and God’s faithfulness in the pain?! God bless you, sister.
Nancy, thank you for sharing your story. My deepest sympathy for you and your family.
thank you so much.
Nancy,
We have prayed for you and your family since the loss of Kyle. My husband, Ryan, is the community outreach pastor at Grace Bible Church in college station and directsYouth Impact, the ministry Kyle served so faithfully while at A&M. I remember the moment I met Kyle…his presence commanding and his love of others, compelling! We are thankful for his life and how he invested his time, heart and gifts for the sake of others. Thank you for sharing your/his story…and reminding us all that we do not grieve as those who are without Hope! May the God of all comfort continue to restore and redeem.
Andrea
My gosh, Andrea, your words are such a gift to me! Thank you for sharing this, I am truly overwhelmed with gratitude. So glad you got to know him, and could tell me of your experience with him. May God bless you and your important ministry.
Thank-you so much for sharing this part of your story. I am so sorry for your loss. May God bless your family. As a mental health professional and professor, I strongly believe that Christians have to talk about mental illness and suicide more. Thank-you for being brave and strong. Blessings, Laurel
Laurel, thank you so much for your words of encouragement. And thank you for what you do professionally, we need you, and those like you. God bless you in all you do.
Nancy,
I am deeply sorry to hear about the loss of your son. Thank you for having the courage to share. Another misconception in the church is that if you have enough faith you won’t struggle with depression or anxiety or mental illness. That is a lie from the pit of hell, of course. I have struggled with chronic depression for many years and was hospitalized twice for being suicidal. I’m so glad God pulled me away from that brink and gave me another chance.
Sharing your story as you so courageously did can only help. May the God of all peace and comfort continue to carry you.
Sarah, thank you for sharing your own battle, so grateful for your victory in it! May God give your mind rest in Him, and your life much joy.
Nancy, y’all are always on my heart. Kyle was a great friend and always lit up the room when he walked in. May the Lord lavish y’all with comfort and love as you follow Him.
Thank you so much for commenting, Mandi. So thankful to hear of your memories of our son. He indeed lit up the room, didn’t he? Thank you for saying that. God bless you.
Nancy you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers! I cannot imagine your grief! Please know that your strength is inspiring! Thank you for sharing! God is good and your faith is beautiful! God bless all of you!
thank you, Jill, for your comment. And certainly for your prayers. We do not take those lightly, and appreciate them so much.
“While I never, ever would have chosen this story for my precious family, I do get to choose what I do with it. And I get to praise my Jesus. I get to believe Him, even if I’m overwhelmingly sad, grieving, or undone. Bless His holy name.”
Yes. Yes to all. We lost our beautiful, beloved 18 year old son 7 months ago, the week before he started college. He passed out on the soccer field, where he was playing on a scholarship, and did not wake up. He too chased hard after his dreams, very similar personalities, it seems.
The grace extended to us cannot be quantified. Thank you for sharing your story. One more to say “me, too.”
Donna. Mercy, I just clutched my heart as I read your comment….I am so so sorry for your loss, so sorry you know this kind of pain. But so thankful that you, too, know the very present love and care of Christ. May He overwhelm your heart today with His peace. God bless you, dear sister.
Nancy,
Thank you for sharing your heart, your testimony sister. I can’t imagine your loss, although I know Jesus rescues you everyday, because that’s what He does. Rescues. Each of us. God knows the heart and he knows the struggle. He knows the tricks and lies satan puts on us…and Jesus rescues. I have a 21 year old daughter who’s been battling depression for years, I know how hard that is to watch. A year ago I was at the hospital visiting one of our youth group girls 21 year old sister who tried taking her life and was in a coma instead. I was without a vehicle and asked my daughter if she could come by the hospital and pick me up. When she got there, I asked if she wanted to come up to the room and pray with me. She agreed. After we left the room, my daughter escaped into the restroom for a bit, when she came out she broke down and shared with me that she had “tried” to take her life once. I was shocked at hearing this. I had no idea. That 21 year old girl who laid there in a coma that night, did something for my daughter and I that no one else could have done. Her life at that moment created a divine appt for my daughter and I to talk. Nancy, from reading your testimony regarding your son, I’m positive that through his life and maybe even his death, lives were changed. God is always creating something beautiful. Sometimes we get to see it here on earth and sometimes we have to wait to see it. “Everything lost will be redeemed in Heaven” (Beth Moore, Living Proof, Stockton 2014). God bless you sister. His Word (truth) is all we need.
Oh, Lynn, this is so beautiful an encouragement. thank you so much for sharing with me. I continue to pray that God indeed uses it for His glory. And I am thankful your daughter’s story is one of victory. May God continue to bless you and keep you.
I am reading this at 3 am, having trouble sleeping as I think about our daughter struggling with depression. Thank you for sharing your story. I am so very sorry for your loss. I am so thankful for your honesty and reminding me that God is with us in this valley.
Oh, Paula, how I hope you got back to sleep! But thank you for commenting. I am praying right now for your daughter, God have mercy on her! May you feel the very presence of our God in your midst.
Nancy, I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for your immense rusty and faithfulness in following Christ even after the worst case scenario.
Thank you, Sierra. God bless you.
Thank you for sharing your story! I am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful son! I am encouraged by your HOPE in Jesus no matter how bad it gets! We are the sisterhood of Christ! We need one another!
Thank you, Traci. Appreciate your support.
Nancy, thank you for sharing your story. I have two beautiful friends who both buried their sweet sons at too early of an age and just like them, it seems like you are allowing God to use your experience to minister to others that may be going through the same ordeal. May He bless you and comfort youand your family in a supernatural way and give you that peace that passes all understanding. Thank you for your story and thank you for your ministry.
Shelley, I am so sorry to hear of your friends and their losses. May God truly surround them with His peace and comfort.
Sweet Nancy ~
First of all, I am truly sorry for your loss and the grief and pain you are going through. Your son was so handsome and full of life! Loved reading about him 🙂
I am just about at a loss for words after reading your post and just now going through and reading all of the comments of others. I too have struggled with severe depression and anxiety the past few years. I am a 41 year old mother of 2 teenage girls, married for 19 years, grew up in a solid christian home and have loved Jesus all my life. Depression does not discriminate. I also have a counseling degree and have been a school counselor for many years until recently when I had to step back due to my depression. I will say that I never had a true understanding of what people were going through until depression hit me. I counseled and talked and encouraged … but never, ever did I know for myself how desperate a person could truly feel. Goodness, it can be completely torturous. And now I get it. After several years of fighting, doing the hard work to get help and working (yes processing grief is work!) to heal, I have made some progress. My depression and anxiety will always be something I will have to be mindful of, so easy to slip into that downward pit. It came upon me so out of the blue and quickly, but was never anxious to leave. I questioned over and over again “Why is this happening? I have no reason to be depressed. I have a beautiful family, wonderful and full life.” It just didn’t make sense. Since my battle with depression, I began researching and hearing more stories of people (Christian people too) that really struggled with depression. That has helped me so much. To know that I am not alone, that something was not “wrong” with me. Christians/ministry people are not immune to hurt and pain … you see, my husband has worked at a ministry for all of our married life. This too has been hard, the shame and guilt I have felt for even being depressed and not being able to “just get over it”. I said several times “I wish I had a broken leg” … something visible that people could identify with that was wrong. Depression is really hard for people to understand and help others through. It doesn’t make sense, it is frustrating to everyone. I so empathize with you, your husband, your other children and your son. Such a hard path in life.
Just recently I was asked by a women’s group to video tape my story for their women’s retreat this spring, which I did. And this last week, my church asked me to be a part of a video to be shown on Easter Sunday about redemption. I still don’t feel completely like myself, the self I was before depression hit, but I know that I have a story to tell and there are SO many that struggle with this too in their life. So many. Depression is not talked about nearly enough and I am hoping to shed some light there. God has taught me to Be Still and Know that he is my constant companion when I feel so alone. He is with me, He has brought me through, and He will continue to do so.
Much love and hugs to you dear Nancy 🙂
Robin, thank you for sharing your own struggles and victory with me, I appreciate your testimony so much. So grateful for your bravery in telling of your own fight, praying it ministers deeply to many. Appreciate your support, dear sister, God bless you.
And how precious are you sweet Nancy to go through and respond to all of these comments. I can certainly tell what a treasure you must be.
I have a dear family member who retreated into silence after her oldest son took his own life….she has never come out of that silence. That was 2 years ago.
Thank you for this. I am deeply sorry for your loss, but grateful that you shared your story. This encourages me to keep reaching out to her.
It would be so very easy to do….thank you for telling me about her, so I can pray for her. Thankful the Lord already knows – may He be working right now on bringing her back into the light and life of fellowship with others.
Nancy-Thank-you for sharing your story of the loss of your son. I have no words. But I will pray for you. Will you pray for my nephew Aaron who seems to isolate himself and has a drinking problem. Thanks for all your work you do at LPM!
Peace,
Dee Dee Thornton
Oh, yes, Dee Dee, I will pray for him! Right now! So blessed to do so. (also please know Living Proof has a prayer page on our website – you can enter only the info you want, and many can be praying for the need. https://www.lproof.org/Interact/PrayerSupport ) God bless you, and yours.
Beautifully articulated! I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son. Having been in full time ministry for 40 years, I can attest that the trials, and sometimes devastating times in life, do not skip over us. I, too, have found God to be faithful —beyond my wildest dreams. Please know that I’m praying for you. We serve such an awesome God whose ways are absolutely perfect. I love that God takes the very thing that the devil tries to use to destroy us, turns it around and uses it for our good. How humiliating that must be to the devil! Keep pressing forward and continue following hard after Jesus! We are more than conquerors through Christ Jesus!
Thank you, Sherry, for your kind response. And thank you for your many many years of serving our Jesus! May He continue to give you all that you need for every moment.
Nancy-I read your testimony and thank you for sharing. I am so sorry for your loss. But so happy that God walked with (as you know he would) every step of the way. God Bless you and your family. RIP Kyle wrapped in our LORD’s arms.
Barbara, thank you. Appreciate your support so much.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. There are no words to describe how deeply sorry I am for your loss. What a handsome young man. Your story speaks to my heart because I have a son who lives in a dark place. I worry about him constantly. He has spoken of taking his own life on more than one occasion. He had moved far from us, and so I don’t have daily interaction with him. I pray that God would save him from the world and himself.
Blessings to you, and again thank you for sharing.
Kelly
Kelly, I am praying for your son right now. May our God Himself pluck him out of his dark place, and wrap him up with loving care. I pray protection over him, and a clarity of mind to seek help. At the same time, may God give you His very peace, even in the midst. I care so much, Kelly. God bless.
Thank you, Nancy. Even in your own despair you are able to touch others. God bless you, sweet sister in Christ. I feel your prayers. I truly do.
I am deeply grateful and equally as touched by your story…one you would not have chosen to live if that choice were yours, however, one that I’m certain, will touch so…so many in various ways. Our good and gracious God of hope and full understanding would not allow one minute of your family’s pain without providing healing to a host of others…and you know that to be true!! Thanking Jesus He knows the names, circumstances, exact timing and venues to which He will make that happen. Thank you Beth for using the LPM Blog to be one of them. Thank you Nancy for your transparency, your faithful love of Jesus and, for allowing us in! Thanking God for Kyle…I love him already…and can’t wait to meet him in glory!
Maureen, thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement. Truly, what a gift. Believing God to bring much hope and healing to others, to His great glory. God bless you.
Thank you for sharing your story Nancy, I’m so sorry for your loss. As I struggle with depression, and as I have a daughter who does as well, I can’t be more encouraged that the actions and faith of your husband and yourself remind me of just how great is the Love of our Lord…..He can get us through this and He is always with us. God bless you and your family.
Debi, thank you for saying that. We appreciate your kindness so much. God bless you and yours as you follow Him.
Thank you for sharing in such a beautiful way about your loss and the sustaining power and peace of Jesus. May the Lord continue to give your family peace.
Thank you so much, Claire. God bless you.
Dearest Nancy, I just finished reading your inspirational story and I know the Lord led me to it. Yesterday my husband and I had to put our little Mitzie to sleep. She was a 12 year old Mini Schnauzer and my little baby. I think maybe we loved each other TOO MUCH ! Although my heart is aching, I too have found strength in the Lord Jesus and in His Word, I have found great comfort in reading Isaiah 55 and this morning Isaiah 58:1-12. God is truly good and merciful!! He has shown me His love in so many ways….even in my little dog leading me to where there are little green shoots coming up alongside the snow. (We live in CT…dare I say more) just a few days ago. Thanks so much !!
Barbara, I am so very sorry for your loss of your beloved pet. I understand that kind of loss too, our beloved Turbo passed away just a few short months after Kyle. It really was just too much….I pray God fills you with His very present and profound peace, dear one.
Words are not enough . . . yet thank you for sharing your continuing story.
Thank you, Carla. God bless you.
Nancy, thank you so much for saying yes to God and sharing your story with us. I cannot imagine the pain that you have felt in losing your son. God is bringing you through one day at a time and what an encouragement that is to me! I remember taking a Beth Moore bible study once where she had said we will never see the good come from our suffering until we are willing to let God use it the way He chooses. Thank you for being willing! I lost my father to suicide five years ago after many years of him struggling with bipolar disorder and then this past fall my son developed panic attacks and extreme anxiety which led to depression and suicidal thoughts. He was at the top of his class all through school but at the start of grade 12 could not even utter the word “school” due to the anxiety. The Lord, my amazing Redeemer, has brought us through so much! There were days when I felt my heart was going to physically burst through my chest. But not for a moment did He leave my side!!!!! My son is doing so much better and is heading out this weekend to check out a bible college! Can you imagine that!!!!! God is sooooo good!
Hugs to you dear! Laura Lee
oh, Laura! This testimony you shared! I felt the full brunt of your loss of your dad, and your son’s struggles, then just felt my heart leap for joy in your son’s healing and hope! Isn’t that just the way life is?! Such a mix of the deepest struggles, and the most glorious of victories…thank you so much for sharing.
I remember meeting you at the last SSMT and what a sweet Spirit you have. Thank you for sharing your story and a part of your family with us. May God receive all the glory for you choosing to remain faithful in following Him and for not allowing satan to be victorious in your loss. Praying for God’s comfort for you and your family.
Thank you so much, Kim. Appreciate your kind words, and prayers.
Nancy, thank you for sharing your story. Our God is faithful and He will never leave us nor forsake us. My family has suffered the loss of two of our beloved young men, my cousin and one year later my nephew. I watched and prayed as each mom grieved the loss of her son. One turned to Jesus for strength and the other became angry and bitter as she blamed God for her son’s death. I am rejoicing and thanking God today that her bitterness and anger has been melted away by the love of Jesus. She has returned to her first love, Jesus Christ. I am so excited that she is participating in our small group Bible study of Esther. Wow! What a wonderful God we serve. I am so thankful that God sees through all our hurt and pain and continues to pour out His love and mercy on us, even when we aren’t loving Him back. It is my prayer that we continue to pray and love others when they are going through difficult times. Our prayers and support just may be the light that leads them home. Again, thank you for sharing your story.
Oh, Beverly, I just cannot imagine your family’s loss of two young men….how sorry I am for your loss! Thankful to hear that both moms have come to see Jesus as Lord over all. I promise you, that is Who has kept me sane. God bless you, sister, and your loved ones.
Nancy, I have just found this now and it was the perfect time to read it, God knew. Thank you for your vulnerability and honesty. Five years ago, my only brother took his own life, aged 28. Only God can heal this kind of pain. Thank you for sharing, God bless you.
oh, Olivia, how sorry I am that you bear this hurt, this loss of your brother. Only God, truly. God be near you and your family.
I hope this pulls up. You Tube It is Well Bethel Music and Kristina DiMarco
Sang it prayerfully with you in mind today, Nancy. I have always struggled with the phrase “It is Well” bc I felt like what happened was not okay but your letter/testimony helped me to see it is well because of who is with us and who we have our eyes set on… Jesus Christ.
Hugs from afar til I meet you, then a real hug,
Terri
Thank you for your sweet words, Terri, I am so appreciative of your prayers too. May God continue to do His work in both of us, to His great glory!
Stunning. And thank you.
Thank you, sweet Nancy.
Nancy, thank you for sharing your story. I, too, lost my son, my only child, to suicide on January 20, 2014. He had just turned 20 years old. My son was saved at 13 years old and was raised in church. He had struggled some with his faith, but I believe his initial decision was sincere. He had a kind and loving heart. Though I can’t understand why God allowed this to happen (I know HE is sovereign and can do all things), all I can do is simply trust HIM. His Spirit has whispered to my heart that Nick is with HIM, but my heart aches with such relentless agony. However, I, too, desire that the LORD be glorified in this sorrow. It seems as though it just happened yesterday. The LORD has been gracious and carried us every step of the way…and I am so grateful. He has been so good to us. From one grieving mom to another, bless you and may God continue to comfort you and use you for HIS glory!!
Praying for you too sweet sister! May The Lord continue to give you peace that surpasses all of our understanding! We may wonder why, and we may never know why, but when we get to heaven with Him and them we won’t care why! May The Lord use you and your precious son’s life to encourage others ! Hearing of your loss and the loss of Kyle helps encourage me to be brave to share my story so thank you for sharing! God bless you, keep you and use you sister! Amen!
Oh, Sandy, my heart hurts for you, my sister…I am so sorry for your profound loss. (and only 8 days apart, what do you make of that?!) So grateful you have the Lord to share this burden with, and to lean on in your difficult moments. I am praying right now for His every peace and comfort be yours. much love.
Nancy,
There truly are no words for how sharing your heart and your grief from your son’s death have touched me. I’m so sorry for your loss and for all you have been through. Being willing to be vulnerable and share such great pain allows us to pray for you and your family. As you shared, being in ministry doesn’t mean you all there at Living Proof have no struggles or heartache. True fellowship and support with encouragement comes when we are real with eachother as Sisters in Christ. Thank you for trusting us with your pain, and thank you for your witness of giving God glory in a dark time in your life. I will be praying for you…..
Becky, thank you so much for your kind words, support, and prayer. You are so appreciated, grateful for you!
Overwhelmed with tears. When overwhelmed, may we turn to you oh Lord! But thank you Nancy for being brave and thank you Lord for using Nancy and her precious son’s life to encourage many others. Whether it be to other parents who have lost children or others who fight with depression, encouraging them to fight and to share their story. I’m a parent and I can’t even begin to fathom what you two are experiencing! Overwhelmed is an understatement. Two suicides in my family, a precious 15 year old cousin, an only son, and my father 38 years ago, at the age of 29, leaving two young daughters which the enemy used to plant seeds of fear, blame and shame and guilt. So obviously the enemy has tried to kill steal and destroy my life as well. Psalms 107:20 is my testimony scripture. By the year 2020 it is estimated that mental illness will be up there with cancer as the third leading cause of death! That is less than only five short years away. Wake up Terri. Get up Terri. It’s time to share Terri. Be brave Terri. The Lord is calling me, who He has rescued from the pit and others to be brave, to share our story, to be brave in memory and honor of my daddy, to be brave in memory and honor of Kevin, to be brave in memory and honor of my sweet cousin and the many other lives who went home way too soon. BUT praise JESUS, to be absent from the body is to be present with The Lord! Thank you Lord that you knew before my father and Kevin and my cousin were formed in the womb that they would go home to you on that day and in that way! Thank you Lord God that you have purpose for their lives and through the pain! Continue to give Nancy and her family peace Lord God, your peace that surpasses all understanding! Continue to give them strength Lord God to share their story to give hope to others! Thank you Lord that we will mourn on this side but there will be joy in the morning! Thank You Lord for using this blog, for using Beth Moore’s book Get out of the Pit, to help me and I’m sure so many many many others, for using Nancy’s precious son to remind me to share my story with others, to give them hope in you Lord God! Help us to be brave Lord God! Your precious Word says blessed are those who mourn , for they shall be comforted! Comfort my sister Nancy and her family today Lord and all of those suffering loss of loved ones! Comfort those who struggle with depression! Thank You Lord God for the gift of precious life! Thank you Lord Jesus for the cross, being mocked, spit on, beaten, bruised, nailed, hung on a cross and pierced out of love for us! There again, Overwhelmed is an understatement, from what you did for us. All so we could live in an eternity with you! Thank you Holy Spirit for comforting us, speaking to us through others and their stories, for conviction to follow, to love, to share, to be brave, to face our fears! Flow through Nancy and her family today and everyday! Fulfill the calling you have on their lives in and through this indescribable overwhelming pain! And may we all give you all the honor, all the glory and all of the praise because it’s all because of you Lord Jesus! All because of you! Amen! Amen and amen!
Nancy, I’m so so sorry, I’m horrible with names. I couldn’t sleep and read this at 3:30 am and could not stop crying, was reading on my cell phone and had to get out of the bed so that I didn’t wake my husband because it was one of those overwhelming loud deep cries and then felt led to write and post! I lead a ladies ss class, they laugh at me because I’ve prayed for a “ginger” when there was no “ginger” visiting our class; and I’m ashamed, I’ve got to do better with names! I said there must be a ginger that needs prayers. There must be a Kevin or parents of a Kevin who needed prayers maybe!?!. Thanks again for sharing about your precious Kyle!!! God so used it to remind me to be obedient, to be brave, and to share my story with others, to write the book He has asked me to write. We have to remind ourselves that The Lord God knew Kyle and my dad before they were formed in the womb and He also knew they would go to be with Him on that day and in that way! Why, I don’t know why, we will may never know why, but praise God when we get to heaven with Him and them we won’t care why! Again, I’m so sorry, please forgive me. Lord please help me with remembering names as well as my pride that He is working on! Thank you loving father that you are holding Kyle and you will carry Nancy and her husband! He will use you! He will be with you wherever you go! Love you precious sister and praying for you!
Terri, this is just beautiful, thank you so much. for your prayers, your support, your kindness. I’m so very sorry for your own losses, but thankful you are able to lean in closely to the Lord…may God richly bless you and yours.
Dearest Nancy.
I just read this, and I am so touched by your willingness to share your story. I am so very sorry for the loss of your son! I think losing a child is a mother’s greatest fear. We have family members who struggle with depression also, so I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your testimony here. “It Is Well with My Soul” has also been one of my favorite hymns, but today I will never sing it again without thinking of your story, and how God has proven His faithfulness to you. I will be praying for continued mercy and grace for your family.
Pamela, thank you so much for your kind words…gosh, God has been truly so faithful. May He bless you and keep you, dear one.
Thank you for sharing this. 🙂
thank you, Shannon.
Thank you Nancy and thank you Beth. I am blessed with your honesty and your heart. So so sorry for your loss, your son sounds like he was an amazing young man. God bless you today.
I do pray for Beth and I will pray for you now Nancy. Thank you so much for your ministry and I wish I could share what your ministry has done in my life. My husband says ‘are you listening to your best friend Beth?’ I always say yeah but she doesn’t know she is my best friend!!!
Thank you for your prayers, Debi, and your kind words. Yes, our son was indeed amazing in many ways. Thank you for caring. God be honored and praised.
Oh Nancy,
Over the years I have written to Living Proof and have received letters from you in response. Not once have I thought I deserved a personal letter from Beth – but I have received love and encouragement from Nancy Mattingly. Now in His grace, I get to see the face and “hear” the heart of that dear one. I praise God for you and all you do in the Cause of Christ and I ask that he continue to RICHLY bless you and your family in all that you do. Thank you for being you and like Beth, being authentic and real. Hugs and Blessings –
Thank you so much, Pam, for your kind words and graciousness. I pray all those blessings right back on you and yours.
Dearest Nancy,
You have written such a beautiful, powerful testimony of God’s overwhelming grace. Thank you for sharing your story. Only Jesus could get you through such tragedy to the other side – and you giving Him all the glory is like slamming the door in the enemy’s face. What Satan meant for your un-doing, God is mending all the broken pieces and making it brand new. And, like the saying goes, death ends a life…not a relationship. Plus, we know this isn’t the end. We have this hope. 🙂 May you know how much sharing your story has helped so many others. Praying for you and your precious family.
In gratitude for you,
Shelly
So grateful for His hope yet again this morning, Shelly, and thankful for your kind words. May His blessings fill you, and grace you and yours.
I am So moved by your sharing this Nancy! Such a powerful testimony! Thank you!
I have been so down in the last while ( my husbands health is an ongoing struggle) I have pulled away from everyone.
This has so encouraged me, thank you for the verses!
Elvira, I am praying for you right this very minute, for your heart to be at peace, even while helping your husband in his own health issues. May His grace flow from you, as you are found in Him. His bountiful blessings on you, dear one.
Nancy. Tears fell from eyes when reading your story. You are an amazing lady and we are all blessed to have you at LPM. A heartfelt thank you Nancy!
Thank you so much, Diane, your kind words bless me. May God be honored, and glorified.
Nancy,
Thank you so much for sharing your story and I pray blessings of peace, hope and joy for you and your family. Our daughter got viral meningitis that turned into encephalitis, swelling of the brain, in 2012. We thought we would lose her, but years later I am so blessed to say that not only is she healthy but she has no lasting effects from her illness. Although it was hard then, for me the thoughts of what could have happened, how we could have lost her, and many other fears came after we brought her home and the year following. My experience allowed me to face losing my child, but does not compare to yours. It only helps me to have the deepest compassion for you and your family. One best piece of advice we were given during our hospital stay was that some times it is too hard to face the day, but then just face each hour, God somehow gets us through hour by hour and soon it turns into the day. Maybe that is something that will resonate with you on those days when it is hard. Thank you so much for sharing your story, your honesty and your grief with us on the blog. May God’s peace surround you and your family.
In Christ,
Shelley
Shelley, thank you for sharing your own story – I am so grateful for your daughter’s full recovery! truly, so grateful….Thank you for your kindness, may God truly amaze and astound you this Easter season.
Nancy,
Thank you for sharing yourself, your family, and especially, sharing Kyle with us, and through it all, reminding us of the overwhelming love and compassion God has for His people who hurt. Depression runs in my family, manifesting itself in harmful addictions and insecurity. If it weren’t for the love and care of my church family, Christian counselors, and Jesus Himself, I would be fighting darkness everyday.
Since our parents died in 2008 and 2010, the care of their home has caused division between my siblings and I. At the center of this is my nephew, the only grandchild, an angry, confused, and depressed young man. I have often feared for his safety because of his isolation and reckless behaviors. My heart breaks for him and his mother, my sister, as they both refuse to get help. Many dear friends and I have prayed long and hard for my family even before this. There’s been steps forward, but recent years have been discouraging.
Nancy, you wrote,”While I never, ever would have chosen this story for my precious family, I do get to choose what I do with it.” Thank you for those words! We used to joke that God let my father live long past his heart surgery, because He still had work to do with “that grouchy old man.” I wasn’t sure about my father’s salvation when he died, but God sent me confirmation that boosted my resolve to witness to my mother when she became ill the next year. I know that God still has much to do in and through me. And I hold on to the fact that He has not let my nephew die yet, that there is a greater plan and purpose for his life.
Thank you for allowing Christ to use you to grace our lives as well, Nancy. My prayers are with you and your family as you both grieve and celebrate anniversaries and remembrances of Kyle.
Teresa, thank you for sharing a bit of your own family struggles. It’s so tough, isn’t it?! But God….Oh, how I pray He comes in with much power and healing in your midst, causing all to honor and glorify Him!
Thank you so much for sharing, Nancy. Your strength and faith in Jesus is inspiring. Your family is in my prayers always. Thank you for all you do at LPM.
Thank you so much, Taylor, appreciate your kind words.
Nancy-
I’ve been reading the blog over the past few days…indirectly watching you respond to so many of us who have commented. Beautiful to see to be honest. Evidence that He is filling you with Himself… allowing you to pour yourself out as He leads and prompts. I’m sitting in a Starbucks gratefully accepting the free internet. Soon, a warm tea will be near me. And am thankful for the way you are sharing the life of your son. And the REAL presence of our God. Thank you. I’m a nomad of sorts in this season. Back in the States for a bit before returning home overseas. This morning, I heard some really hard news about a dear friend. While I stand in hope, I sense that it’s very possible that her days here on earth are reducing and that soon, she will be face to face with her God. The pangs of mourning seem to be coming prematurely…. maybe it’s because it’s only been a bit over 5 months since i said “see you later” to two other dear friends. The fruit of Him in you is evident…. even in this blog posting. As you have poured out, it is clear that He has poured in. I love it And I am thankful that in Him, I have it too. Even in the pouring out of your heart, may you know His sweetness even more than you have.
oh, Kimberly, I am so sorry to read about your friend. (friends) I am praying right now, for that friend, and for you, dear one. May God totally overwhelm you with His very specific love and comfort. These days are troubling, but He is our stability. May He bless you and keep you.