This morning I slipped out of bed before my alarm went off so that I wouldn’t awaken Keith. I’d slept much later than usual because I’d had a full weekend of taping sessions at Life Today for Wednesdays in the Word. Our church also has an 11:00 AM worship service slot which is a glorious grace for people who work many Friday nights and Saturdays and need a little sabbath in the worst way. I had my prayer time and several cups of thick dark coffee in the regular spot where Jesus and I meet on mornings when no one is up in my house but me. If Keith is awake, I move to my library to finish out but, if he’s sound asleep, I stick a little closer to the coffee pot. It saves considerable pacing.
Half an hour in, I glanced at the clock and knew I’d better get moving toward the shower or we weren’t going to get there in time to fellowship at all before the service started. Something is always missing in my Sunday when that happens. I don’t go to church for the service alone unless I’m in too much distress to want to talk to anybody. In that case, I might go in late and leave early, as much as I hate to admit it. But far more normally, second to participating in worship and the Word, I go with full intention to be with a family of believers equally frail and human but also pursuing a life of faith. I give and get hugs. I get and give words of encouragement. I pray for people and people pray for me. Sometimes my own daughter will lean over in the part of our service dedicated to prayer and whisper intercession in my ear.
This holy give and take. A community cannot exist without communing. Church has never just been limited to a service for me. Nor has it been limited to Sundays.
But back to this morning. I didn’t want to be late so I stacked up the Bible I use for my morning devotionals, my journal, and my iPad and headed into my library to set them back on my desk. As I put them down, I hesitated for a moment before turning toward my bedroom. I knew I still had something on my heart that I had not brought to the Lord. When I finish my prayer time, the goal for me is that my heart would be poured out before Jesus in praises, confessions, intercessions, and concerns and then filled back up by Him with His own Holy Spirit.
Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before Him. God is a refuge for us. Psalm 62:8
Be filled with the Spirit. Ephesians 5:18
I pour out, He pours in.
That’s our deal.
Just minutes before in the kitchen with my Bible open, I’d talked around the thing that was on my heart but I’d not voiced it the way I really felt it. I had questions about it that I hadn’t exactly asked. Maybe I hadn’t asked them because I’d not really expected an answer. Or maybe I hadn’t asked them because I was uncomfortable being that raw. By raw I don’t just mean honest. Good grief, I hope to heaven that I approach God in prayer with honesty this many years into our relationship after the places we’ve been together. I don’t think I’m exaggerating to say that, if He hadn’t insisted that I learn to be honest with Him about my true estate, I’d probably be dead by now.
I’m pausing to stare at that statement to see if it really rings true in my spirit.
Yeah. I think my body would be cold and in the ground by now. I was headed for a full fledged implosion.
To me, raw doesn’t just mean honest. It means not having to think carefully about how I’m going to word it. Not having to frame it in godly terms. After all, I want to be godly. God help me, I want to be godly. But it’s hard to be godly with a lot of junk stored up in your heart.
Raw means, “This is the deal right here. This is how I feel. And why is it that…? What on earth is…?”
Raw means going ahead and putting out there how I really feel about something down deep, even if it sounds selfish or small.
Even if it makes me sound pathetic. He can see my heart anyway. And sometimes it is pathetic.
I glanced over at the gorgeous kneeling bench the prayer team at Tuesday night Bible study had given me and I walked over to it and knelt down on it.
Right there I pulled out that pine cone that was still down there pricking and sticking and crowding my heart and set it out before God, all jagged and bloody on the edges. Right there I brought my questions.
August temperatures in Houston are oppressively warm and the air is damp and wet even in the morning. Keith Moore likes his house cold and, if he didn’t, I would. The combination of competing temperatures in a humid climate means that every window this time of year is thickly layered in condensation until the sun comes up and burns it off. You have to go outside around here if you want an unhindered view of the dawn.
As I knelt on that bench, everything was a fog out that window especially with my forehead pressed to the glass. But, as I prayed for just those few moments, my eyes adjusted to one slender streak left by a heavy drop. Just one tear of clarity.
And somehow, it was enough. At least for today.
I didn’t get up off that bench with clear answers to my questions but I got up with something else. I rose from my knees with the sense in my heart that I’d been heard. That the questions were not inappropriate. That the matter was not irrelevant. And that, even if it communicated my flawed and small self, what better place to have exposed it?
Then I went to church and worshiped freely because all that had troubled my heart was out on the table before God and I was hiding nothing from Him. I fought tears for most of the service because I felt close to Him and not because I’d been godly but because I’d just gotten to be raw. And it had been okay.
I am struggling with some things and He knows it and not just from reading my mind but from hearing my mouth. Let’s just go ahead and admit it. There is relief in that.
I don’t know why some things are the way they are. It doesn’t change them to admit my bewilderment but it clears the air somehow.
Hostility grows where things are left simmering and unsaid. What I needed to say to Jesus this morning wasn’t about Him but its only safe place was with Him.
Go ahead, Sister. Trust Him with that thing. Go find a place to kneel and say it. Say it in humility but say it with complete honestly.
And I pray that, though the window’s still wet and blurred by the heat, you will open your eyes and there it will be.
One slender streak of clarity.
Thank you, Mrs Beth. I needed this today.
Than you for this. I have some things going on and they re weighing heavily on me right now. “Hostility grows where things are left simmering and unsaid.” hit me hard! I have been holding a lot in and have started getting angry. I am fixin’ to change this! Thank you again!
No words.
Thank you for sharing, Beth.
Whew! Thank you so much for your “real-ness” and encouragement!!!
Something I needed today! Thank you!
Thank you. It’s beautifully written and heart fully expressed. I needed to know that today.
Thank you for sharing. THANK YOU! I’ve been a wreck since attending the LPM event in Lubbock but I think He is slowly chipping away at me. I haven’t let go (of the pain and yuck inside) yet but I think He will win in the end and I will be a heap of mess at His feet – it will be a great day when I can finally surrender. Still trying….
I must confess, Beth, I’m reading this during our business meeting at church. Sorry but financials are boring and I need The Lord to hear me today. He knew I needed to hear Him more however. So He graciously gave me your blog. I needed to read every word. I came across Galatians 6:9
“And let us not grow weary while doing good,for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart”. Pray Beth that I do not lose heart. Thank you dear sister!
Amen! Thank you for this refreshing post! Thank you for being willing to be so open, it blesses and encourages others like myself! Praying for you and the thing on your heart!
Thank you.
Beth,
Thank you. I needed this right now, and I’m sure it’s not the first time you’ve heard that! I’m relatively new to your ministry and I have a question about how you pray. Do you pray out loud, or silently? Do you think it matters which way? Just curious about your thoughts on this. I’ve heard so many opinions on the matter, I’m not sure what to think! Thanks again for this post, it was very timely!
Sincerely,
Patricia
Hello, Beth,
Thank you for this post! This was for me!
And you are definitely not alone. Thank you for your humble transparency. You’re a precious gift to His people. Matt your prayers be answered. I plan to spend time with Him!!! God bless you!
Erin 🙂
Ms. Beth thank you for this message. Often I foolishly try to hide the parts that trouble my heart the most. But what a reminder. God already knows. He sees it all. And being raw is okay. My Father loves me and wants me to share and not hold back from Him.
and that right there was a sermon many of us need to hear today. Bless you, your loved ones, and your ministry. Jesus was a preacher, teacher, and healer … and your words and honesty with your own struggles have helped heal others this day.
Just what I needed to hear. I have been silent before the Lord on a particular item…wrestling it out on my own…afraid to speak of it……Thank you for sharing.
It’s That light of His, the Truth that jabs and reveals and sometimes I don’t know what that revealing really is in me, about me?
“Hostility grows where things are left simmering and unsaid.” How true those words are. But when we take those words or feelings or thoughts to Jesus we really can be free.
I can’t tell you how much your words meant to me. This was really beautiful and left me with so much to think about. I know He already knows what is on my heart there is so much healing when we can take our struggles to Him.
This meant so much to me, Beth. Thank you, sister….you blessed me today.
“Trust Him with that thing” – indeed.
Oh, my soul, how I needed to hear that today. Thank you, sister, for your honesty and transparency.
I needed this so much! Thank you thank you!
Beth, you’re transparency is refreshing. I’ve never met you or seen you speak; in fact, I’ve only completed 1 of your studies. But I know who you are and I admire your ability to share your love for Jesus with such great passion. Last week, I had an incredible burning in my soul to pray for you. I sensed a heartache or some sort of discomfort for you. At the time, I said a quick little prayer; however, these thoughts came back to me just this weekend. And now I’ve read this. I am praying for you, my sister in Christ.
Amy… that is so strange. Last week, at least three specific times, I felt to pray for Beth! I had no idea what was needed but “to whom much is given much is required,” and Beth, I know you deal with just the same things in your life that we deal with in ours. Prayers for you, dear sister in Christ!
Adding another comment to say that while I have occasionally prayed for her, it has been out of appreciation for the load she carries and the work she does that benefits me. This was different.
Thank you for this today. Going to Him now.
Thank you so much BETH! Out of anyone I have ever known (even from a distance) or allowed to speak into my life, you have lived authentic and real and honest …YOU HAVE LIVED THE TRUE GOSPEL OUT and taught and modelled to me how to live the true GOSPEL to myself and others. Thank you! Honesty and vulnerability and raw, real life have been a staple, a genuine article of “LIVING PROOF” to me and to many! Thank you so much! I love that you have this RUACH kneeling spot! How perfect…BY HIS SPIRIT that gives LIFE, may we live, may we kneel before the LORD our Maker!…
Zechariah 4:6
6 Then he answered and spoke unto me, saying, “This is the word of the LORD unto Zerubbabel, saying, ‘Not by might nor by power, but by My Spirit,’ saith the LORD of hosts.
My life is so full of RAW, and most people, especially church people cannot handle “the raw” of my life. You and your ministry are a true life GOSPEL MINISTRY, a true GOSPEL GIFTING AND MODELING to me and many. You all live THE REAL GOSPEL! Thank you. Your writing about fellowship and church “give and take” is so blessed. I so long for this more and to experience true community as the LORD modeled while on earth. I also appreciate your sharing that there are times you forego the community when you are in too much distress to talk to anybody!!!! That is wisdom. Thank you for that honesty! Message I got: There are times we can be too raw for others but not for JESUS!!!!
I love that being RAW, (my understanding of raw=being KNOWN and accepted), you felt close to JESUS … Your words blessed me: “Then I went to church and worshiped freely because all that had troubled my heart was out on the table before God and I was hiding nothing from Him. I fought tears for most of the service because I felt close to Him and not because I’d been godly but because I’d just gotten to be raw. And it had been okay.
Just as you were you came…Just as you are come…It is the song of revival! He breathes life where there is need! What a SAVIOR! BREATH OF LIFE BREATH ON US!
Uuuuggggghhh! I love-hate it when the Holy Spirit gets all up in your grill about something. I have had some-kinda-something gnawing at me for a few weeks now and though I’ve attempted to “politely” talk to the Lord about it, I’ve not gotten very far at all. Go figure. I have not been, well, raw. And I know that’s the deal. Because if I get raw, it will get ugly…and, as you say, pathetic. Because it probably is. Pathetic and pitiful. And since I’m already crying over it I may as well cry it out to him. Because crying…being raw, is sometimes the bravest thing one can do. I’m just going to get it done right now.
Wow, Beth, thank you. This could not have come at a more perfect time. I love you dearly and am so grateful for the authentic example you are to so many…including me.
Thank you. I needed to hear that.
Dear Beth,
You have had a restless spirit for some time now. Do you think it is a stiring of God of some sort? I pray whatever the rawness is about that it will be soothed by this streak of clarity. With Jesus things are made clear maybe not here but some day and some time. You know when!!
We have had moving services the last two. We are just a small rural church but even though we do not have profesional singers etc I sense His spirit so mightily these Sundays.
Today a family of virtuoso violinests made there semiannual trip home to our church from Indiana the mother grew up in our area and still considers this place home. Her children are very accomplished musicians. Today just before Pastor read the gosple htey played some old familiar hymns and the one was “I love to Tell the Story” and then the Gospel from St Matthew was read. I had tears running freely down my face. How often we hear the old old story but how precious it is every time.
Last eve our son and his new wife had a big reception in our tiny town. We decorated the old city hall and had a 15 piece orchestra playing big band music and we danced and sang under hundreds of fairy lights it was so incredible and I felt such a warmth and love by the Father today I could hardly stand it!!
I pray you sensed that warmth flood over you too as you knew again too of the tremedous love He has for you no matter what.
I pray things become clear to you as you struggle please know you are loved by Him Who makes all things clear and the rest of us in the struggle!
Love,
Betty M
Dear Beth,
Thank you. I needed this today. He alone knows the quaking of my heart at this point and time. I am in a difficult place right now and to be honest I am having moments where I (I do not say this lightly!) where I am absolutely terrified and praying for God’s grace and mercy even though I am so undeserving. I heard your message this week on Life Today about grace and oh how I needed that. I love that He always hears us no matter how little or big the concern. You are a blessing. With much love…Mary
I hate sounding so vague, I sure wouldn’t have minded telling you my Siesta Mama what’s going on, just don’t want to share it with the “world”. I know you understand. God knows. My Pastor, other prayer warriors in my life. He hears us when we pray. Even when our heart is screaming God help. Thank goodness He hears…
Thank you for the encouragement that we are not alone in our wondering and questioning God. It is important to get raw and it’s ok to leave with just a streak of clarity.
Beth, Thank you for sharing these heartfelt words with us today. What a blessing and encouragement they are to me.
Thank you, Beth, for sharing the struggles you feel. There is so much chaos in this world that when I kneel before God, I struggle to find the words to lift up to Him. At the same time, I know He knows, which brings me peace. After our summer Bible study, my prayer time has been about receiving instead of achieving (what a blessing that has been!)
Today was a special day at my church. We now have a new service time and there was no telling how many people would show up. We are struggling to find the best path for our struggling church and want to be obedient. Well, some of us want to be obedient. But what a blessing the service was! Once again, I realize that all I have to do is trust God.
So, I pray that you find the answers you seek Beth. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you!!!
beth, i can’t even put my finger on why, but i so get this right now & needed it. thank you.
and btw, this morning in arkadelphia, i walked out of our air-conditioned church to look in my purse & see that my reading glasses had fogged up IN MY PURSE. smh.
love you so~
I love it when I see you’ve written something. And after reading, I oftentimes really have little I feel compelled to say; it just resonates truth and that is powerful enough to stand on its own. But today I wanted to say thank you for sharing your heart and life and journey with me.
Thank you so much Beth for these words, your honesty, and the way you help us love Jesus. I truly believe Siestaville is a gift God gave us. I love you and my Siestaville family. To God be the GLORY!
Thank you my dear sister Beth!
we have never met, but I so look forward to hugging you and sharing our Lord together in eternity one day.
Your openness… words of exactly how you process and proceed with our Lord are so very helpful to me and bajillions of other women. You put words to feelings that I cannot even speak or know how to say. God has touched my heart through this writing tonight and I am very thankful that you work through, struggle through, press through the difficulties of this life.
God bless you more!!
Love and big hugs,
Tensie
<3
Thank you for your words. I have some things going on — some are due to lovingly my (adult) children to pieces. Others are harder to define. I am pledging here that I will find the tine to define and label the issues impacting me.
Thank you.
He is so good to us, Beth. Pouring out my heart to Him has been my great help too, because I know I can trust Him with the full contents of my heart…thank you for sharing with us. I pray that you would sense His closeness to you, and that your heart and mind would be comforted by His calming and securely loving presence…you know, I am glad He is a good God. What hope would we have if He wasn’t? Whom have we but Him? He is The Lord. He loves you much…You always tell us that you are privileged to serve us, and am glad to journey with us. I think us siestas are just as blessed by you, and how God has used you in our lives because you are willing to share your walk, your individual journey with Him. Be encouraged, I pray, much peace and grace to you tonight!
I confess I rarely take time to open the blog emails. I save them with intent to open them and digest later, but later seldom comes. Not so tonight. Tonight I have no doubt that it was God himself, drawing me into himself… Or asking me to draw into him. Into him. In him is the only safe place to be utterly exposed. And you, sweet Beth, is who he chose to remind me of that. It has been some time since I have felt more than being in close physical proximity to my Lord. I ache for more and he whispers thru you that he aches for more as well. And he gently nudges me to go deeper than honesty. He desires more from me than the truth… He desires “rawness.” Thank you for sharing His heart tonight.
Beth,
Thank you so so much for these words of encouragement! I have been going through a really “dry” spiritual season of my life, and I have been trying to hear The Lord although I feel there is a wall between us. Being real and raw with God has been something I have been focusing on in my prayer time lately. I find that the more open and uncensored I am when I talk with The Lord, the closer I feel to His heart and His will. Sounds like common sense I know, it’s just been something I am going through. If you have any more suggestions that I could apply in my prayer life, that would be awesome! Thanks for your encouragement and your passionate message.
Emily
RAW! My thought are continually raw and I have made the mistake in thinking I have to have them all sorted out in some kind of order so God will know what the heck I am trying to communicate! Thank you for the reminder He is truly capable of knowing my heart, my raw heart, without complete sentences the run into well formed paragraphs. Many blessings Beth.
Alice
I’ve been asking why a lot lately, too. I left a job I loved for one hat consumes me, stresses me, angers and depresses me. I do not feel like this is abundant life living. I am not as available to my family and I am just not functioning well. Did He lead me here? Did I hear His voice or just do it on my own? Praying for a change of heart or a change of circumstances.
Beth,
Thank you for this post today! I’ve been going through some very rough times and the enemy has been telling me that God doesn’t care and that He doesn’t want to hear me vent my problems. I have been feeling so totally alone and sad. This came to me via email and it was exactly what I needed to read! As a newer Christian, I am still learning so much about God and the Word, and your David study was the first Bible study I did. I appreciate you and your honesty so much! It bring me comfort and peace reading your blog posts because it helps me to know that I’m not alone!! Thank you so much for all that you do!
Thank you, Beth, I needed this today. Something has been weighing on my heart and your encouragement to talk it out with God is just what I needed. Just a raw talk with The Lord!!!
Oh. How. I. Needed. This. Word. Blinded by tears…
Thank you.
Wow!
Thank you!
Love and prayers
Oh, Sweet Bethie!!!
Thank you for this! I needed this right now, right here, in this moment. I won’t share what’s up, but I know that I need to verbalize it to God and God alone. He’s the only stinkin’ One Who will even remotely get it! 🙂
You are so loved and are on my prayer list.
Blessings! Bitsy
Thank you Beth. I’m weighed down tonight, as I have been the last several Sunday nights. My heart is heavy with the situation at our church, and of my serious roles/committees that I am on. Our meetings are on Sunday afternoon, and my mind whirls on Sunday nights while I try to sleep. Add to this, this week marks the first anniversary of my dad’s death.