Hey, You Darling Siestas! (*Precious Ones, comments now closed on this entry because the number got so great that I would have more than I could read. I am profoundly moved and prayerful over what has been shared and will write back to you soon about it. You have given me tremendous insight and I pray the gracious and powerful ministry of Christ Jesus all over you. I have been where many of you are. Our God reigns, Dear Sisters! Do not lose heart because you cannot lose Jesus. This is what He came for. Isaiah 61:1-4)
Before I tell you what this post is about, I want to tell you something that tendered my heart then brag on you and encourage you. I so enjoyed the Titus post and all your comments! AJ and I had talked about what a fun post it could be and it was! She and I, like many of you, also had a sharp pain go through our hearts that some of our single siestas either felt left out of it or, or worse yet, like losers because of it. When I posted their comments (AJ was on a roadtrip so I moderated many of them), I kept a very careful eye on the communication that unfolded. I watched you respond to one another and minister to one another. I saw the Body of Christ at work. I was so thankful.
You know, Siestas, we don’t always know how to say the right thing and sometimes our comments may even seem thoughtless or inconsiderate, but I am convinced that our hearts in this blog community truly are to love one another and encourage each other. We want and need the diversity and have so much to learn from one another. Now, I’m grabbing my megaphone and yelling this part really loudly: WE WANT YOU SINGLE SIESTAS IN THIS COMMUNITY! FIGHT FOR YOUR SPOT! KEEP YOUR COMMENTS COMING! KEEP REMINDING YOUR MARRIED SISTERS THAT YOU ARE THERE! WE ARE THE BETTER FOR YOUR INFLUENCE! WE NEED YOU!
Sometimes the blog posts will be blatantly family-oriented because it’s sponsored by a mother and daughter team. It’s just a way we share the personal side of our lives with you and that’s what makes the blog stream unique to everything else we do here at Living Proof Ministries. This blog is the friend, mom, and sister side of what we could offer, God willing. It’s partially meant to be a big fat celebration of Girl World. Nothing could be more appropriate in a world system so demeaning to women than to rejoice in the dignity Christ won for us. Sometimes we just want to make you laugh because we love to laugh. Other times we want to share with you what made us cry. Blatantly above all and through all, however, our highest and hottest passion is to encourage fellow sojourners of all kinds to live fully and freely the life Jesus Christ offers…and to offer a little practical help with implementing His explosive power. We love you so much and we’re so honored to be your servant. Your friend. Your sister. Your mom. Even your Mama Beth. Don’t mind a bit. As my grandmother used to say, I could mother a fence post. Love it.
NOW, on to what I’m requesting from some of you. Your input was priceless to me in the Esther series and I’m betting you could really lend some insight now. As you know, I am now working on revising the series “Breaking Free” and will be attending to it for months to come. Here are my two questions and I’d like those who feel compelled to respond to answer them ANONYMOUSLY and by including the numbers “1)” and “2)” so they’ll be easier for me to read (you don’t need to include the questions):
Please note: ALL COMMENTS NEED TO BE ANONYMOUS THIS TIME IF THEY’RE IN RESPONSE TO THESE QUESTIONS. PLEASE DO NOT ATTACH YOUR BLOGGER NAME OR PERSONAL NAME. PLEASE ALSO KEEP IN MIND THAT YOUR WILLINGNESS TO COMMENT IS ALSO YOUR PERMISSION FOR ME TO QUOTE FROM IT IF IT MIGHT BE HELPFUL IN THE STUDY. KEEPING THEM ANONYMOUS IS CRUCIAL TO THAT FREEDOM. PLEASE KEEP YOUR ANSWERS SUCCINCT. NO LONGER THAN TWO EASY TO READ BRIEF PARAGRAPHS SO THAT I CAN READ THEM. THANK YOU!
1) What one thing threatens you most with bondage? Try to be specific. If your answer is intimate in nature, then use code language. I’ll get what you’re trying to say.
2) What is your biggest obstacle to living freely and fully in Christ? (Please don’t give the answer you think you’re supposed to give. Really share what you think holds you back.)
Thank you for your help, Siestas! Please don’t feel like you have to comment. Only comment if you really have something to share about bondage and your biggest obstacle to freedom. You’ll know if it’s not that big a deal to you or you really have to think about it that you’ll want to leave the room to another Siesta this time. I AM CRAZY ABOUT EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU!
PS. No time to proofread this time! Sorry for inevitable mistakes!
I’ll never experience or have the opportunity to enjoy my “true” self in this life time -free from OCD, pride,insecurity, overindulgence….. and that my children may be negatively effected by these generational wounds-I seem to “do” the very things that keep me in bondage out of fear, lonliness, insecurity-even after trying everything known to man to try and overcome these areas of bondage-
At this time and age, financial- previous years, insecurity in all realms, a need for status, looking “good” intellectually, physically and psychologically-family values that I thought were “good” but now view as areas of pride and have been the idols in our right hands. God Bless you and thank you!
Other men…even though I am married with children.
1) I struggle with fear that I haven’t “heard” Him correctly when He’s given me direction or vision. I ponder and worrry over it so much, I get on my own nerves. I know I’m on His! 😉 I constantly ask him to reaffirm it, and that’s just plain sin of unbelief. I know what He said, He knows I know what He said, and I know He knows I know what said! Really, as I think through it, what He has said to me concerns something I really want. And, for some reason, I just can’t believe He might actually do a work and give me something I actually desire. I’ve hurt so much, traditional “happiness” just seems elusive to me. My hurt has come from my own sin, as well as situations that have happened to me. I struggled with sexual sin in my early 20’s and then my older brother died, and what’s funny is I saw God’s power and glory and incredible love for me through that death…but when it comes to me personally, I just tend to act like good will never happen for me. Like I’m destined to a life of finding the good in the bad. That’s just my specialty, a life of tragedy that I’ll struggle through and keep smiling.
2) Fear of just messing the whole thing up. I truly want God’s will, but I’m terrified that my own human nature (ie…not hearing Him correctly as I spoke about above) will prevent me from really getting anywhere with God. Like somehow I’ll lose the whole thing in translation and be forever hopeless.
You know, when you write it out like that, you see how clearly satan is manipulating you.
I’m not in bondage currently, but I sure enough have been and none of us is ever above it without a true blue relationship with Him. It’s been nice to think through what I struggle with. As I write it out, it’s given me courage to stand against it.
1. Money and Envy/Jealousy of what others have as if money and status equal one’s worth. Feeling insecure and worthless.
2. Pride/Fear of what others will think. Fear that sacrificing my desires to surrender to Christ completely will not be worth it. Honesty is hard to swallow.
1. Older single adult in bondage to sexual sin on and off for the better part of 20 years. Under control now for 6 months–now the Lord has revealed others including food.
2. My own mind. My own self will. Not training my mind to take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.
1. What threatens me with bondage most is listening to the lies of Satan. I almost didn’t give my life to Christ because I listened to Satan tell me I would never be able to go to Heaven because of the things I’d done in the past. Oh, he never denied that God loved me but he tried his best to make me believe I would never be able to enjoy the promises of God. Recently, because of family circumstances(my unmarried daughter is pregnant), Satan has again tried to get me to believe I can’t enjoy the blessings of God. No, not that I can’t go to Heaven. I know that’s secure. But that I won’t have the picture-perfect life a Christian mom, wife, teacher, etc. is suppose to have.
2. The biggest obstacle to living freely and fully in Christ is believing the lies of Satan. I want to see myself doing great things for God during the rest of my life here on earth but I keep finding myself hindered by what I think must be true based on my circumstances.
1. Some inappropriate things I was exposed to at a very young age that led to an addiction before I even knew what addiction was.
2. Complete fear and confusion. I don’t even know what that life would look like. This addiction has been around the majority of my life and I am not sure who I would be without it. Getting rid of it would be like losing a friend.
1. I believe that I am a “man caught in a women’s body”. Lived with a same-sex partner for over 17 years…not because I am GAY but I like and desire women. I have now been without anyone for over 5 years and am very involved in my church.
2. Lust of the eye and being afraid of my past being found out by my new church family.
1. Fear, fear of the future, fear of old age, fear of ill health, when I was younger I thought if I put out enough effort I could do what needed to be done, now I’m older, age 51, married with several grandchildren, (my blonde hair has turned gray, even though I keep it highlighted!) I’m feeling my limitations
2. financial issues, not being fully prepared for retirement years
“Nothing could be more appropriate in a world system so demeaning to women than to rejoice in the dignity Christ won for us.” Love it, Beth.
1) Overindulgence (food, spending habits, working too many hours, and a constant sense of feeling like I deserve something more/better because I worked hard or have been deprived somehow)
2) A life so busy with work, church, and family obligations that I rarely have time for prayer, reading the Bible, or meditation. I suffer from a total lack of self-discipline and focus.
1. Food, food and food. Even though I have been able to lose weight over the years. It is the one thing that keeps creeping back. This theme creeps into every Bible study I do.
2. Biggest obstacle is legalism and guilt. I know in my heart He loves me but I sometimes feel unlovable. Was raised in the church all my life, became a Christian at an early age but worst rebellion came after years of living for Him. Sometimes that is hard for me to stomach.
Finances.
I am a giving person of my time, my talents, my “stuff”, but when there is no money, I can’t let it go. I give money but not 10 percent. We do not have cable, we don’t have cell phones, we will eat drive thru at least once a week sometimes twice, we don’t buy expensive clothes and we drive old cars, as a matter of fact they are broke down right now and we’re trying to find money to fix them! I don’t stress about that stuff though. I know it’s gonna work out and I don’t worry. But… I can’t let go of the tithe. I am afraid if I pay the full tithe, we won’t have lights and groceries. How do you get to the level of tithing first and then knowing that God is going take care of your needs. I know it’s a matter of unbelief and trust. Pray!
1.) The first thing that came to my mind when I read that question was: I am all wrapped up in it. I mean think about it. I am wearing an ace bandage right now cause I have a sprang ankle, but if I continued to wear it like forever, well, my focus would not be healing it would be the blasted bandage (bondage). To be specefic, I smoke. And Everone wants me to quit and the harp at me, but does it help? My focus is not at getting healed for the reason or the lie I believe that is at the root of the smoking, but it is on the fact I smoke and am shamed for it and boy does that make the bondage wrap around my heart tighter and tighter. Do I want to quit? Well, yeah. I am afraid to quit. Why? Not sure at all of that , but, I know that if I quit because of others nagging, well, I will eventually start again, when I am in an angered fit about something one of them has done or hasn’t done…get what I am saying?
2.)I think fear keeps me stuck. fear of letting go of the things I use to cope ie: cigs. That takes trust that I most often do not have the capability of producing within my abused soul. that is a process I am learning slowly.
1) Truly, for me its pornography (and everything that comes with it). I’ve struggled with it since I was 17, and I’m now 30. (yes, I’m a female)
2) My biggest obstacle to freedom in Christ is, in a word, myself. I’ve read verses and scriptures about freedom, and also read books on the topic. I even share what I have read with people who are struggling with letting go of their issues. But when I try to think about that same freedom applying to me, I just don’t see it the same way. When I hear that I (me, myself) can overcome anything in Christ, I don’t believe it. Perhaps its because every time I thought I had overcome it – I fail again, and I realize I hadn’t really overcome it at all. It’s a horrible, defeating cycle of victories being overshadowed by what seems like insurmountable defeat.
1.Worry over what others, including loved ones, think about me.
2. Closely tied to first question for me…I was brought up in a church/culture/family that was very legalistic, and we constantly evaluated and judged others in our own group. Lots of talking and discussing behind ones’ back. So…now I still find myself in bondage to worry about what someone may be thinking or saying about me, and this keeps me from moving forward freely and focusing mostly on our Lord.
I am aware of it, but it still can keep me captive.
1. Sexual perversion. This is straight from the pit of hell. I do not warrant this. I do not yield to it but I am always on the verge of “going there” in my mind. It is a constant fight. Thankfully it is tons better (PTL) but I have to still fight against it.
2. I am living abundantly…even in light of #1, the Father knows my heart and what I want. He knows that #1 is an attack. And so as much as I hate my vulnerability in this area, there is no shame.
I have done Breaking Free twice but this is one issue I have never dealt with.
1) Living a lie by not confronting the elephant sitting in my home, which is lack of physical intimacy in my marriage. It has been this way for almost the entire marriage. And neither one of us have taken the initiative to do anything to fix the problem. But God is working on that now.
2)Fear of what other people would think of me. Your Bible Studies have help me to grow so much in that area, but I still have a lot more growing to do.
1) Core issue of bondage is related to the feeling of not measuring up. Constantly feeling like no matter what I do, it is not (nor will it ever be) “enough”. Affects my job, my marriage, my children – even my hobbies. I guess another way to say it is “perfectionism?”
2) Unbelief. Doubt. Lack of trust. I have done the Believing God study and am currently going through it again. I have a very hard time transfering the “head” knowledge into “heart” knowledge.
My word! My heart is just breaking while reading through these comments. I have been in bondage to many of these same things and through Beth’s teaching and continuing in the Word have been forgiven and set free. I am just committing to pray for this new study and for all of these siestas that each one will break free, learn to live free and continue to believe God for all the rest of their days.
1. Everything has to be perfect. Also, my mind when it gets in a weird cycle of just feeling out of control and angry(even though I have forgiven and keep forgiving), life is just not the way I want it, so I seem to go through cycles of just feeling completely out of control, moody, and so impatient.
2. I just want to spend SOOO much more time with Him in His word. I have SUCH a hard time getting up early so after working a full time job, fixing dinner, finding time to snuggle with Hubs, and exercise it just seems like there is never any extra time in the day. Then, before I know it, its 11:30 and I’m trying to have my quiet time before waking up and starting over. I KNOW if I can just make it happen early in the morning…my mind will be renewed. I just cant seem to get up, then I hate myself all day for not waking up early. I have been struggling with this for SO long. I want HIM to change/renew my mind. I want to love Him so much more. Thank you for this opportunity to share.
First off I would sure appreciate some prayer as my dear husband and I head off for the 4 days driving it takes to get us to our little flat on Fort Myers Beach Island for the month of February, I am a nervous drivier for the first 2 days then I can settle.
1)Bondage area for me is intimancy and feeling lovely enough for it.
2) Fear, fear of man of mans ideals and his opinions, fear I’ll not get it right, fear I will not be the witness I am to be, fear of forgetting all the scripture I have ever known. Lots of fears. Fears of failing as a overseeer for women’s ministry in our fellowship, I could go on and on; But you get the idea.
Hope that helps
1) Discontent – I’m in my late 20’s and still single. If I surrender this cycle of bondage, I’ll feel even more discontent than I do now. I’m living proof that its not just men that struggle with their thought lives and individually acting on it.
2) Because of the sin that feeds my discontent and because it has gone on for so long, I have truly given up living freely in Christ. At first, I was able to seek forgiveness, but because the sin has won over so many times, my pleas for help seem more and more insincere each time I give in. It’s very hard to approach the Throne about ANYTHING in my life when I’m still cherishing this one sin in my heart – when I know that I will fall again just like I have all the times before.
1) perfectionism (Trying to earn that love that God has so freely given me, consequently I feel like a failure every day, because I always “miss the mark”…I know, rationally, that I can’t earn His love, but my brain and heart forget that sometimes.)
2)Those times when God is silent…sometimes I feel like the only time God’s presence and peace is poured out on me is when I am walking through a crisis, but I want to learn how to walk with Him this close without living “crisis to crisis”. (Does this make any sense?)
my bondage – my sin…
my choice….
and thinking each time it will be the last time because it IS sin and it DOES break my Lord and Savior’s heart..
to take things from my employer’s store because I f-e-e-l entitled to them because I f-e-e-l wronged for not receiving an increase in pay for two years…
to turn to starving myself from food or not being able to stop eating to dull and stamp out the pounding voices in my head that tell me a child of the King should be behave so much better – be in more control…
pretty much; me…. I keep myself in bondage by keeping my eyes on me and not Him…
1.Bondage–Pride, the need for humility in myself, and these two are a God thing and I can get there but its so hard to stay–Flesh/Spirit warfare makes a tired working mom even more tired. Self imposed guilt–there is never enough time or me to go around. Church duties, job, work at home, my mother is in a nursing home, my children are 12, and 7 and I have the most wonderful, faithful, God-fearing man who loves me in the Lord and is a better spouse, dad, you name it, HE can do it and he keeps our home “together” and I’m definitely not complaining but God has provided me with so much and He just keeps blessing us. 2008 is our year to get financially fit and to pay off our cred.card debt and that bondage will be off our shoulders and we’ll be FREE !!!!!! Believing God and Breaking Free, has been the tools for God to show me myself in the mirror, thank you Beth, I read everyday, I’d love to set down at Starbucks and just talk one on one and ask you some questions that there isn’t space or time can afford here!
2. Legalism in our churches and me being a woman in ministry, with a call on my life and service to our Lord and being oppressed and feeling frustrated and trying to deal with what God has shown me and following through, and praying through, and waiting on God to reveal those ponderings that HE stirs our heart with and that which the Spirit burns within us !
Thanks for the opportunity to share !
I was a little overwhelmed too, with the responses from all the states and different diversities, I was like Glory to God, what a time we’ll have in heaven at the feet of Jesus !
I want you to know that I pray for your safety and for God to hedge you in and your most dear sweet family, when I seen you at Boone, it was the first time I noticed a “security” person watching you and immediately at that time, the Spirit told me, you need to pray more for her than you do! Sister Beth, we love you and praying in Jesus name !
1. my unbelief even with many years of head knowledge that are taking FOREVER to become heart knowledge….
2. laziness and fear of what God will ask of me…. I know He gave His all for me but I know that there are things I could not give up for Him. So, I hold back being fully committed because, in essence, I don’t trust Him with my heart and my life.
I know how ugly that sounds but there it is. The awful thing is… I know that He can be trusted and I have counseled hundreds of people with testimonies from my life of how God has been faithful and yet still I don’t fully trust Him with everything. How shameful is that?
After posting my comment, I went back and read several of the comments others posted. I see a lot of comments regarding husbands who are addicted to pornography. I have to share that my husband is also addicted to pornography. It has practically destroyed our sex life (we have only been married 7 years). I have a very hard time trusting my husband and am always preoccupied with what he is doing when I’m not home. I see these comments and the pain these women are experiencing strikes me to my core. I feel stuck in a “damaged” marriage for the rest of my life. I don’t want this, but don’t know what I can do to make it better.
I am so thankful for this anonymous forum where we are safe to share without fear of judgment.
#1 That I’ll never be free. Why can’t I get it right?
#2 My flesh is so in control when it comes to my bondage. I try so hard and yet I fail all the time. I try to walk in the Spirit but I can’t seem to attain freedom in that area of my life.
If only I could get it right.
1. addiction to food. using it as a way to feel good – to feel loved. it’s a secret habit..that is evident by my weight and accompanied by self-loathing that is unbearable at times.
2. it’s just flat out hard. i’ve been overeating since i was 7 years old. the sin has been with me through thick and thin. why is it hard? the temptation is everywhere. food is a necessity for life — and i, at times, love it more than i love the bridegroom love of Christ.
1) Without a doubt, insecurity. Not feeling confident that I’m worthy of God’s blessings. Feeling that if I really put myself out there other women will think she’s a freak!
2) Busyness. Susie Hawkins spoke at our winter bible study kick-off last night and she said busyness is a woman’s way of feeling “important”. It cut me like a knife. The busyness that I create in my life as a SAHM is to make me look and feel “important”. What a lie!
I am realizing it is satan robbing me of the joy of my husband and kiddos.
I’m sorry for the hurt that we may have caused our single sisters. You are needed! I’ve felt a little too “old” on this blog as everyone seems to be in the 20s to 30s with young children. I was so glad to see those 50+ sisters in the roll call. 🙂
1. The guilt and shame of my past have been the validation I need to treat myself as anything but holy. Over the years I have made Satan’s job easy because I do it for him. Satan has taught me to destroy myself and unfortunately he was a good teacher.
2. Not believeing I am who God says I am AND that He will do what he promises. My identity as a child of God was shattered at such an early age that I never knew it existed. But Satan did, and he has worked really HARD in my life to make sure I never find out I can be anything more than a captive to the sin of my past.
1) I’m praying to find the right words here – my heart is exploding with emotion that can’t translate into words, but I’ll try. I have lived my life feeling ugly and unacceptable because of my weight. Since my early childhood, every man in my life has told me through their words and actions that I am an embarrassment to them and that no one is ever going to truly love me because of my appearance. As a result, I have learned through the years to alleviate the pain through food. It’s an ungodly and never-ending cycle of pain and destruction. Because I feel unattractive, I hesitate to put myself out there in ministry – after all, who would ever look at me as a Godly example or a woman who walks in worth and beauty. These feelings flood every waking moment of my day – they are my constant companion ever telling me to hide, stay back, become invisible, that I really don’t have anything to offer. They whisper to me that only the beautiful have something worthwhile to offer.
2) Fear and unworthiness. Since the men of my life have been so judgmental of me, I feel that God sees me the same way – “You could be great if only…” I know in my heart (or should I say that I am learning) that God loves me unconditionally, but my mind fights tooth and nail to keep that from sinking into my inner-most being and becoming a reality I can depend on.
Beth – I found you a few months back and I am so grateful. I have learned more from you in a few short months than I ever thought possible. It’s because of your teachings and sweet, accepting spirit that I have started to examine these areas of my life, and allow God to open up some old wounds, clean them out and allow them to being the healing process. Thank you so much for heeding God’s call to minister to those of us who NEED to hear what He asks you to teach us.
I think my answer to 1 & 2 is the same… I can fall prey to thinking I’m not good enough and trying too hard to change in my own strength. God is teaching me (BIG TIME) that true freedom comes when I realize HE is the One who changes me as I trust Him and believe He loves me and as I accept His love for me. I have to stop trying so hard to please Him (and others) by fixing my sin and I have to keep trusting Him to finish the work He has begun in me. I wish I had realized before recently that Romans 3:24 comes right after verse 23. “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, AND ARE JUSTIFIED FREELY BY HIS GRACE through the redemption that came by Jesus Christ.” I can’t be free when I don’t believe I’m good enough or forgiven or really loved.
2. Being STRONG enough to stand my own spiritual ground as a daughter. I’m sad to say right now I feel my Mom is a big obstacle for me to handle. I love her dearly, (she is a christian, but she dosen’t seem to dig deep enough to hear God speak to her before she speaks to me). Think it’s that “right as a mom thing.” Anyway we struggle to keep peace at times.
It seems when things are going great for me and my own family, she is right there to bring up my biggest weaknesses and knocks my feet right out from underneath me. I find myself questioning my own self-worth and not trusting what God has already shown me to be true. To just walk it with Him and to turn myself from the ugliness!
I love HIM, and oh how I want to please HIM!
1. self-injury…I don’t know how to stop….and fear maybe I never will….I’m only 25 but it has become my identity and I fear maybe this is as good as it will ever get for me here on this side of heaven
2. I just don’t believe God will do what he says….I feel he only loves me b/c he has to…
1. Submissiveness. I grew up in a family where my mom was the boss and my dad let her do it. I don’t want that for our family. I want my husband to lead.
2.My biggest obstacle in living freely in Christ is thinking that I am not good enough. I have felt that in many areas of my life since I was very young.
1)As I was trying to come to terms with the abuse I experienced as a young girl (from 3-12 I was sexually abused, dad was an alcoholic, parents divorced … I’m a walking checklist) I went through a very rebellious period of my walk with Christ. I lost my virginity, became involved in relationships that were very compromising spiritually, had an abortion (which I kept a secret for MANY years from the man that would become my husband and is the father of that child) … for a long time I classified my bondage as insecurity. I’ve come to call it unbelief. Unbelief that I can be loved, feel loved, enjoy being loved … unbelief that God knew what He was doing when he created me female … or that I do a good job of living it out(that manifests itself in a host of ways) … unbelief that I can ever be trusted … unbelief that I can ever be fully forgiven.
2)Though I believe God for everyone else- and I mean it is a deep abiding faith in God, His mercies, His love and His promises … I can not seem to accept the same truths for myself. And I know that until I come to that place I will never be fully free in Christ … when I was 30 I thought it I was still within reach. When I turned 35 I put pressure on myself to step it up a notch … at 40, I’m beginning to wonder.
1)Control. It’s so scary for me not to just have a double-fisted, white knuckle grip on every aspect of my life. Most of the time, I find myself also trying to have that same grip on the lives of my husband and children as well. Letting go is just so much easier than hanging on for dear life most of the time, even though it’s rarely the healthiest or best choice.
2) Myself. I get in the way of me. I always get so full of me that I feel like I can just do it all alone. Then, inevitably I always wind up in a pool of my own tears crying out to Him for help and mercy. He without question gives an abundance of both every single time…but it doesn’t seem to stop me from trying to live this life on my own again and again. Whenever I get close to letting Him have more control than I do, it gets too scary and the cycle starts over.
1. knowing that he IF he loves me it’s only b/c he has to….
2. he just doesn’t love me like he loves you mama beth…
signed,
desparate at 25yrs old
1) I knew my husband was gay when I married him. I live in fear that someone else will reveal our secret to our community, that our children will find out etc. We love each other, but he has been unfaithful to me with dozens, maybe hundreds of men and I just don’t know, maybe I don’t want to know, if he’s being honest with me when he says there haven’t been any others. Because of health issues, we haven’t had “intimacy” in years. I can’t talk to anyone about this.
2)Maybe I deserve the life I have. What ARE His plans for me? Again, I can’t talk to anyone about this.
Beth and Amanda,
I just want you to know that I am praying for you, and for the rest of us as we read through these answers. I worry for you, b/c the weight of some can be so heartbreaking. I pray that God guard your hearts and continue to inspire you by His Spirit to see hope, and not just hopelessness in our answers.
To the rest of the siestas, I see my story in so many of yours. How evil our enemy that so many of us are beset by the same or similar circumstances. My answer could have just as well been laziness, or fear, addiction, or sexual sin. And, while I so would not want to wish these behaviors or emotions or scars upon any of us, it comforts me to know that I am not alone.
Father God, please hear the cry of our hearts and continue to teach us how to recognize the lies that govern our lives, that we might replace them with Your truth. We are so blessed to be your children, and so desperate to love You back. Help us to lay these things down, to put them behind us–whatever the cost–because You are worth it. Thank You, sweet Jesus, for everything, even our bondage. May our deliverance be that much sweeter b/c of where we have been.
Amen.
Beth, you wrote about siestas ministering to each other through the blog and I wanted to share something with you. A couple of posts ago you invited us to post our ages, marriage status, favorite truths etc… I posted that I am “separated” but when I tried to think of a favorite truth, I decided to be honest that I am struggling with that right now…I’m feeling quite shell shocked right now. The next morning I awoke to find not one, but three separate emails of encouragement from “siestas”.
These are some of the encouraging words that had me in tears that morning.
” Sending you a scripture for today thru Beth’s blog:
Isaiah 61:7 Instead of shame and dishonor, you will inherit a double
portion of prosperity and everlasting joy.
This is the verse the Lord gave me during my separation 4 years
ago….I saw another glimpse of the fulfillment of this promise
yesterday.
May the joy of the Lord be ALL your strength. Take one single day at
a time.
Laura”
“Hi! You don’t know me, but I saw your post on Beth Moore’s blog. It was the last one on there when I posted my “stats”. After reading yours I just wanted to let you know that I felt like I needed to pray for you and I will do so. God Bless and have a good week!
In Christ’s Love,
Jennifer”
“Hi, I hope it’s okay to write to you. I just read the blog
on everyone getting on board with the Siestaville roll call. I just felt that I’d share that sometimes a favorite truth can be difficult to identify, especially if times are kind of busy,tough, emotional or for so many reasons. (edited for space) …I felt like writing to you just to say thank you for your honesty. I happened on the lproof.org blog several months ago and for some reason
decided to look up what was written on my birthday. It amazed
me that it was actually a timely word for me even though I was
looking it up after the fact. If you are interested you can see it
as an archive from September 26. I felt that the Lord directed me
there & that’s not an everyday occasion, at least for me. So, keep looking for that specific truth that God wants to highlight in your life right now, it’s worth it.
Many blessings to you, Sharon”
It touched me more than I can say that these women would reach out to a complete stranger at a time when my heart desperately needed it.
You might want to post this because it is quite long, and thats okay…I just wanted you to know that throught this blog, siestas are ministering to each other more than you may even know.
1. Only 2 people know this – 9 years ago, at the age of 20, I overheard some people in my former church say that my family wasn’t good enough for my then boyfriend who is now my amazing, godly husband. I love him to death! They said that I also was too emotional. I never quite figured that one out. My family was not any different from any other family. We were real. We had issues, some were not pretty and still aren’t. My siblings were not and still are not living for God, but I was. I can remember being 5 years old and laying in my bed praying for them (they were much older than me.) I just wanted them to know Jesus. Their choices were and are bringing very difficult and ugly consequences. The difference was that my parents didn’t hide the truth from the world. Our lives were not storybook on the outside. We were not fake. If anything, my parents did a fantastic job of showing me and my siblings the love of Christ even when your kids choose to sin. I have lived for 9 years slowly believing that lie from the enemy. It has stolen more than I care to think about. I also believe that because I took hold of that lie and allowed it to dwell within my mind, it then became a battleground for the enemy. Never before had I ever struggled with fear, anxiety, depression, until that experience. It continues to be a tremendous stronghold in my life.
I attended a ladies conference at my church a few weeks ago. Out of nowhere during our worship time, I heard the words again in my head, “They aren’t good enough.” I began to cry tears that flooded my face. I then began to cry harder when I felt the shame and guilt for actually showing emotion in church b/c remember “I was too emotional.” Then to make it even worse, I kept crying when God broke through the lie and revealed to me that I had not allowed myself to cry in church or around members of the body for all of those years.
2. My biggest obstacle is 2 fold. First, God revealed to me the day of the conference that I needed to forgive. He and I are working on this. Secondly, I have not gotten on my face every day for the last 9years and poured this out to God as I should have been doing. Therefore, He is not able to defeat this stronghold in my life nor am I able to forgive. Until I hand all of my junk to the only One who can do anything about it day after day and allow all of who He is to fill me up, I will not walk in the freedom He is calling me to.
Psalm 51:17
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.
1. Fear–that I am both not enough and too much.
2. Listening to lies that God is not enough and that I will somehow “die” if I am rejected or hurt. I don’t truly believe that God loves me and is big enough.
1. struggles with feelings of that things are so out of control, and allowing my past to cloud my life.. Not giving God the things He requires and feeling like afaliure in all that I do, including my walk with Him
2) fear..of trying, failing, disgracing everyone (God included)
1.) My bondage of “this season in my life” (and God has freed me from others)… is, I’m so ashamed to say… is wasting precious time with too much sleep, not using His gift of art more to glorify Him. Yes, I’m addicted to sleep and I feel awful about that. Would someone please pray for me?
2.) My fear is that when I face Him He will be disappointed in me, in how I wasted the gifts He gave me to use for others. (Would someone please pray for me – to be set free?) Thanks Beth, for giving us the opportunity of baring our selves here, anonymously.
1. Fear of anything outside my physical surroundings, fear of flying, fear of dentist, fear of fear…just fear, fear, fear!
2. That if I give this all to Christ and still have the fear, then it will change my trust in him, so I just hold onto the fear.
1) Receiving ‘rejection’ as a lifestyle, until I ‘create it’ where it may not have even been.
2) Forgetting to fight and falling easily into the habitual, prepared trap. Being too bombarded to remember who I am in Christ.
1. Self hatred
2. This might seem long. Sorry. I am so fearful of rejection and upsetting anyone that I cripple myself. I am so overwhelmed with hearing the lies that the enemy puts into my head that I can’t hear the truth and I so struggle with staying in the fight.