Hey, You Darling Siestas! (*Precious Ones, comments now closed on this entry because the number got so great that I would have more than I could read. I am profoundly moved and prayerful over what has been shared and will write back to you soon about it. You have given me tremendous insight and I pray the gracious and powerful ministry of Christ Jesus all over you. I have been where many of you are. Our God reigns, Dear Sisters! Do not lose heart because you cannot lose Jesus. This is what He came for. Isaiah 61:1-4)
Before I tell you what this post is about, I want to tell you something that tendered my heart then brag on you and encourage you. I so enjoyed the Titus post and all your comments! AJ and I had talked about what a fun post it could be and it was! She and I, like many of you, also had a sharp pain go through our hearts that some of our single siestas either felt left out of it or, or worse yet, like losers because of it. When I posted their comments (AJ was on a roadtrip so I moderated many of them), I kept a very careful eye on the communication that unfolded. I watched you respond to one another and minister to one another. I saw the Body of Christ at work. I was so thankful.
You know, Siestas, we don’t always know how to say the right thing and sometimes our comments may even seem thoughtless or inconsiderate, but I am convinced that our hearts in this blog community truly are to love one another and encourage each other. We want and need the diversity and have so much to learn from one another. Now, I’m grabbing my megaphone and yelling this part really loudly: WE WANT YOU SINGLE SIESTAS IN THIS COMMUNITY! FIGHT FOR YOUR SPOT! KEEP YOUR COMMENTS COMING! KEEP REMINDING YOUR MARRIED SISTERS THAT YOU ARE THERE! WE ARE THE BETTER FOR YOUR INFLUENCE! WE NEED YOU!
Sometimes the blog posts will be blatantly family-oriented because it’s sponsored by a mother and daughter team. It’s just a way we share the personal side of our lives with you and that’s what makes the blog stream unique to everything else we do here at Living Proof Ministries. This blog is the friend, mom, and sister side of what we could offer, God willing. It’s partially meant to be a big fat celebration of Girl World. Nothing could be more appropriate in a world system so demeaning to women than to rejoice in the dignity Christ won for us. Sometimes we just want to make you laugh because we love to laugh. Other times we want to share with you what made us cry. Blatantly above all and through all, however, our highest and hottest passion is to encourage fellow sojourners of all kinds to live fully and freely the life Jesus Christ offers…and to offer a little practical help with implementing His explosive power. We love you so much and we’re so honored to be your servant. Your friend. Your sister. Your mom. Even your Mama Beth. Don’t mind a bit. As my grandmother used to say, I could mother a fence post. Love it.
NOW, on to what I’m requesting from some of you. Your input was priceless to me in the Esther series and I’m betting you could really lend some insight now. As you know, I am now working on revising the series “Breaking Free” and will be attending to it for months to come. Here are my two questions and I’d like those who feel compelled to respond to answer them ANONYMOUSLY and by including the numbers “1)” and “2)” so they’ll be easier for me to read (you don’t need to include the questions):
Please note: ALL COMMENTS NEED TO BE ANONYMOUS THIS TIME IF THEY’RE IN RESPONSE TO THESE QUESTIONS. PLEASE DO NOT ATTACH YOUR BLOGGER NAME OR PERSONAL NAME. PLEASE ALSO KEEP IN MIND THAT YOUR WILLINGNESS TO COMMENT IS ALSO YOUR PERMISSION FOR ME TO QUOTE FROM IT IF IT MIGHT BE HELPFUL IN THE STUDY. KEEPING THEM ANONYMOUS IS CRUCIAL TO THAT FREEDOM. PLEASE KEEP YOUR ANSWERS SUCCINCT. NO LONGER THAN TWO EASY TO READ BRIEF PARAGRAPHS SO THAT I CAN READ THEM. THANK YOU!
1) What one thing threatens you most with bondage? Try to be specific. If your answer is intimate in nature, then use code language. I’ll get what you’re trying to say.
2) What is your biggest obstacle to living freely and fully in Christ? (Please don’t give the answer you think you’re supposed to give. Really share what you think holds you back.)
Thank you for your help, Siestas! Please don’t feel like you have to comment. Only comment if you really have something to share about bondage and your biggest obstacle to freedom. You’ll know if it’s not that big a deal to you or you really have to think about it that you’ll want to leave the room to another Siesta this time. I AM CRAZY ABOUT EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU!
PS. No time to proofread this time! Sorry for inevitable mistakes!
1. Jealousy over others possessions, relationships, financial status, looks etc.
2. Being consumed with selfishness for my time, money etc.
1. When my first marriage failed and my current husbands first marriage failed, we came togeher before the divorce papers were signed. Even though we did not leave our first spouses for each other it was still adultrey. We confessed it and continued to be friends and eventually married. Through God’s redemptive grace we are being so blessed and God is more evident in our lives now then He has ever been but it’s hard not to live in shame. In our brokenness God is there and using us..despite who we were. Every day is a struggle, an internal struggle-how could I ever be worthy enough to serve and bring others to Him? What is happening in our new ministries profounds me. It’s all about Him and I have to remember that. I can do anything He calls me to despite my past. This sin broke me, dragged me into a deep muddy pit and tries to keep me in bondage daily. Daily I give it to God and move forward.
2. My biggest obstacle for living free is the people around me who will not forgive me or allow me to live in the redemptive grace and forgiveness of my Lord. Somehow God can use this scar. A new church family has taken me in and allowed me/us to serve where God has called me/us but daily I am surrounded by an unbelief from others that I can ever be used of God again.
1. Bondage to an old lifestyle, a behavior that brought all kinds of attenion, not the good kind. I still work around the same people. I struggle with remembering that I am a “New Creation in Christ”, and having them see the “New Creation”.
2. Being distracted by life: family, school, work, friends, and the social of church. So much so, that I do not spend the time in His Word, and with Him in prayer.
1 – Pride. Wanting constant praise and accalades at work. I don’t drink or do drugs but the above brings somewhat of a high. Also what I feel is a desperate need for the attention of a married man and I am a married woman.
2 – Believing and again an overwhelming feeling that happiness comes from what is metnioned above instead of from God.
2. The fear of what other people might think. I have struggled all my life with being more concerned about people-pleasing than resting secure in how God views me.
#2. My greatest obstacle is complete FEAR! Fear of being seen as a nut. Fear as being seen as “someone else.” Fear of having to reveal things I don’t want to reveal. Fear of what He might ask me to do. Fear of being vulnerable to people who won’t understand. Fear of the reality of it.
Thank you Beth. Thank you for encouraging us in the way you do.
Thank you for loving us all. Thank you for praying for us. We love you and are thrilled that you care so much about us.
Your friend in TN
Because I saw the strength others had to write their answers, I can now answer mine.
Siestas, you bring tears to my eyes!
1)What holds me back mostly in bondage? Reverting to my past, having the same mind of the young child that was never good enough to be apart of things, or seemed, ” too weird”; and having a family that never accepted me for who I was. I am afraid of being loved; because I don’t want to get hurt. I’m afraid of even being told someone loves me(even my friends), because then I think it will only be due time before they really see me; in a way, I almost self-destruct myself, to push the boundaries enough where I become rejected. And when the rejection happens…I feel better. Because its something I have been accustomed to feeling.
My biggest obstacle in living fully in freedom….
Letting the monster out.
The girl that cut her arms to make her feel better, who took 8 muscle relaxers to drown out the pain she felt from her family, or the bruise on her forehead she slammed into the wall, because it was the only outlet she had at times….
I feel like if I truly let out who I was all my life, if I truly let it go, it would be the end of me.
I live on the edge of the cliff daily; and I have found myself praying so many times that I just wanted God to take me…
but He keeps me here, so I keep going.
But I am not truly happy.
1. Self injury cutting, burning mostly burning.
2. Believing things can get better and God does not hate me.
I am not sure about 1 so here is #2
2- Lack of self discipline. I choose tv, computer, scrap booking ect over the things I need to do or even the things I know I should (and do) want to do- like spending time reading my bible. I feel like if I could get that right then I would be free to experience His power. Also lack of discipline has lead to falling into other more destructive sins – you know what I mean??
1. Fear of _________!!!!
2. Breaking down the wall I have built so high around me.
1. cigarettes. I know they are killing me and I feel so guilty asking God daily to forgive me when I know I’m gonna go right back and do it again. The fear of people at my church finding out I smoke. I go to silly extremes like washing my hair before church,changing clothes. I feel like a fake. A fake sunday school teacher at that! Even worse a hypocrite!
2. Approval Addiction & Perfectionism
Beth-I posted earlier about mysin of my adultry and then I started reading the post before me. I have only read through maybe a fourth of these post and my heart is bleeding and I can’t stop crying for each lady here. The pain is so real. I want to be able to reach out to other women who have walked in my shoes…bless you for posting this but knowing you from your studies, I pray for your heart because I know you too must be bleeding with all this. Oh ladies, God is weeping too because He loves us so much and He so desires our commitment, our acceptance of His amazing redemptive grace! LEAN ON HIM!!!! I am praying for each and every entry here as I cry for your pain..I know your pain….
God, we thank you for Beth. Guard her heart in this as she takes this and uses it for your ministry. And bring healing and comfort to each and every one of these post. Thank you for what you are about to do in each and every one of these lives. Thank you for Beth. Thank you for Jesus!!!
1) Not sure how to categorize this, but a need to be the BEST at motherhood, marriage etc. I am a young mom and I feel so much pressure from other moms to do everything right. To have the perfect Pottery Barn nursery, to drive the perfect mini van. To pick the perfect preschool. To do the perfect activties for my kids like ballet, soccer, etc. And then to look perfect all the while. I am exhausted just typing all this. Just trying to keep up the “image.”
2)Getting so obsessed about the stuff of this world that I lose sight of Him. So sad to type this, but so true of my daily life.
1) Overindulgences with food and shopping – spending. I subconciously wan and look for those things to satisfy when I KNOW that only God can truly do that.
2) Lack of self discipline and feeling like I don’t know how to… How to study my Bible for myself, how to pray effectively, how to commit to a daily quiet time. I love the Lord and love beign in Bible study but cannot seem to make that time with Him a priority. I have tried and tried and bpught so many books on prayer. I guess it comes down to priorities.
1) people approval
2) people approval and condemning thoughts
1. Feeling like I don’t fit in anywhere. My mother(who has passed) told me bec. I was athletic I would never fit in a man or woman’s world(That’s the nutshell-it was longer) so I don’t know what it’s like to be a woman-I’ve hidden for so many years. (we did talk about this before she died and worked our relationship out-Praise God!)
2. Felling like there is so much wrong with me and changing it will hurt too much. And the inability to know how to change(buy cute clothes….) Noone to help!
As a single siesta I adore this blog…it is always an encouragement even when it is not dealing with something I am dealing with.
As for the questions…I was so not going to do this but I NEED to…
1. Pornography and over eating. They go hand in hand with the bondage of feeling like I am not every going to be good enough so why not go ahead and do them…especially as a single gal I feel like I am never going to be good enough to be married so I am not hurting anyone…but I so am. I am working on these though…God and I together are working on these and so far 2008 has been a very good year as one of those issues has not been an issue…Praise HIM!
2. These two I think go hand in hand for me: Trust…that God has the perfect plan for my life and that I am going to be content in that plan. Control…I am such a planner and want to plan, plan, plan. And when my plans don’t mesh with His I feel like a failure. I don’t trust His plan and so I am constantly trying to be in control.
Thank you for those two questions…they were hard to answer, and it was even harder to be completely honest and not feel shameful and dirty…but I feel better having shared and being authentic with a group of my siestas.
To my siesta who posted this:
“1. I’m not… enough (smart -enough, skinny-enough, funny-enough, SEXY-enough, mom-enough)
2. I’ve recently (almost 3 years now) moved and left all my family and friends on the other side of the country. Biggest obstacle is hands down – being friendless. REAL people sharing their REAL lives and WANTING YOU to share your REAL life with them, without the masks of perfection which is so prevelant in our “church” body has been one of my biggest struggles.”
I just want you to know I am right there with you. I could have very well posted those exact same words.
I have a few acquaintance friends, but no real pour-your-heart-out, trust you completely, vacation together friends. I have prayed for that since we moved a few years ago (5), and I take it God’s answer to me is “not now”. Go figure — sometimes I feel very lonely.
Love you sweet siesta!
1) Fear of failure. Over the past few years, God and I have worked through many deep issues in my life that caused me to think and behave destructively. Several “friends” who witnessed my strugle and victory through godly counseling have since accused me of failure based on half-truths and gossip. I was deeply hurt by their lack of faith in the changes God brought about in my life. I’M NOT WHO I USED TO BE! But I struggle intensely with the thought that maybe they ARE right about me. What if I’m really NOT any different? God has loved me through so much. I so don’t want to fail Him in this area.
2) Having a deep desire to be involved in a certain area of ministry but not seeing those doors open.
1) fear – mind crippling/spirit crushing fear
2) wshat will He ask of me, what will He take – will He take me before I have raised my kids, will He take my kids…fear of the “what ifs”
1. My weight. I’m young and I’m grossly overweight. I used to be thin (a size 8!) but then my father told me I was fat. I didn’t believe him the first time; by the 53rd, I was repeating it behind him. Eventually, I fulfilled his own prophecy for me by gaining 80 lbs.
2. I honestly believe God is so disappointed with me. That He just shakes His head wishing He had someone better than me to work with.
#1 unrealistic expectations – wanting/needing everything to be “perfect” body, marriage, children, home, etc.
#2 thinking that somehow it depends on me
1. My thoughts when I feel unloved in my marriage. Just being able to actually pinpoint this is a victory for me because I had been defaulting to memories of a past relationship for quite a long time.
2. Fear. Approval of others. Trusting that He really is enough.
Thank you Beth and Amanda. This blog really is a blessing to me.
1. I lived through such a horrible childhood. My father was an alcoholic. I can not seem to overcome the negative thought pattern that came from such a childhood. And then in my teen years, my own sin, sexual sin. I still am so ashamed. I am forgiven, I know.
B. Shame, lack of self esteem and all that goes along with what I wrote in #1.
#1 PRIDE
#2 PRIDE
HELP!
2) Sometimes I just wonder if it isn’t easier to just remain where I am, even if it is bondage.
1. Losing control, my control. Allowing others into that very personal area I’ve kept walled up for so very long. Coming out of bondage will require pain, and it will require me to “feel” more intimately than I’ve ever felt. Terrifying!
2. Fear. I’m not sure what, but just plain fear. Of what it may take, or how I may feel, or how much it may hurt to get there.
1) self-injury, especially cutting. I am ashamed and embarassed but have struggled for 14 years with it since I was 22.
2)I am unable to truly connect with my heart the concept that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
1)Fear…it leads to a lack of trust. I don’t always identify it as fear, but I think that’s what it is. What if…? What if things change and we can’t afford to live on one income? What if something happens to my husband and I can’t afford to live on my own? What if there isn’t any money to survive on when we’re a few years older? What if my husband makes a purchase that is extravegant (I am on him worse than I was ever on my kids…that is so wrong!) What if we can’t afford health insurance in a few more years (he’s 56, and I’m 50). It’s not all money fear either, but it often is…or fear of sickness, fear of my girls making bad life altering choices,the list goes on forever…
2)Guilt I think…the lies that Satan sneaks in there…”you know you don’t deserve good things”. I know that there are consequences for our choices, but I live at times in a state of paralysis afraid that I will reap everything I fear if I’m not perfect, or if I fail. If my adult daughters make bad choices, I become convinced it is because I failed to teach them better, or because I set a poor example.
I long to FEEL, REALLY FEEL, without a doubt, that God isn’t sitting there with a tally sheet ready to zap me with some sort of dreaded Job-like ordeal if I (or my husband, or my daughters) don’t make all good and right choices.
Thanks Beth…I hope all of this helps you as you minister to others.
2. God has shown me just today that the biggest obstacle to my freedom could possibly be that I do not believe that everything that comes from His hand into my life is for good. I, like so many women, struggle to know and believe how God as a Father treats his children. Bottom line: Do I trust Him enough to take my hands off my life and let Him control?
1) Sexual sin from my past (AGES ago) but has really got me messed up even now.
2) Financial consequences from past mistakes and financial stress from current choices.
Beth,
1)The one thing that kept me in bondage was Hatred.I hated my abuser so much my heart hurt. I took the Breaking Free class a few years ago. My abuser was killed during that time and Praise God he set me free from all the hate I had for this person.
2)Addictions to other things like TV. (Probably just pure laziness)
1. Shame – I was molested by a deacon in the church in 7th grade. when it came to light, huge stink in the church and I was called a demon seed because my mother was having multiple affairs with men in the church so people believed I had seduced this man. Now at age 42, I still struggle with sexual issues. I havent had sexual relations with my husband for over 2 years because I dont feel safe to be sexual. We have more of a brother/sister relationship which of course makes me feel even more ashamed. I dont know why he stays with me. We have been married 23 years and in the last 10 years, you could probably count on 2 hands how many times we’ve been together. Add to that being overweight (my fat suit to ensure I never become like my mother) well i think you get the picture…..
2. Fear….. what if I find out that Jesus just tolerates me because I’m part of the world and he HAS to love me? What if I find out I’m the biggest disappointment He has ever seen and I really am just a demon seed? What if Jesus doesnt really care for me? Worse…. what if I find out there is no Jesus? I’m scared to death.
1. My need for approval. The last few years have been a painful lesson on this one. First, growing up in the church, I was taught to “honor your father/mother.” So when I began truly being “me,” I struggled to feel loved and accepted when we didn’t agree about things. I still do. Second, wanting that “special someone” so bad, I lived, breathed, another person who hardly made me feel human. We never dated, but I wanted him to like me in some way. When he moved, I didn’t know who I was. I relized how much I had taken for granted the true love and friendship of many people. I still struggle with this but with God’s help, it’s all somewhat easier.
2. I don’t fully trust Him. There, I said it. I like control and knowing how things will turn out, so walking by faith is hard. Also, in many ways my mind is my worst enemy. I think and worry about stuff that hasn’t and may never happen.
1. A nearly life-consuming battle with eating disorders…anorexia, bulimia, compulsive exercise. You name it – I’ve been there.
2. My fear holds me back. I am so scared that if I risk completely trusting the Lord with my freedom, it might be DISAPPOINTING. What if He doesn’t help me in my time of need? What if freedom isn’t much better than this bondage? Can I handle one more failed attempt to break free?
1) Feeling inadequate and passed over. Never Cinderella…that’s always somebody else.
2) Biggest obstacle is ME and my inability to hang onto the truth of who I am in Christ and the authority that He has given me.
1. Jealousy
2. Fear, insecurity, being weighted against something or someone and to be found wanting
My biggest obstacle is unbelief and doubt. I am a scientist. I am trained to believe what I can prove. And the evidence I see in my life continues to convince me that God is not real. I try to pray but it doesn’t work. I don’t feel that God has ever spoken to me. I read about people having a relationship with God and all I ever end up with is a brick wall. I’ve tried going to church but it doesn’t seem anyone there shares my struggles. When I was in college, I would leave the lab to go to Break Away. I went to the first Breaking Free study in Houston several years ago (I’m from Texas but left for the Northeast after I graduated). I’ve tried so hard but all I ever hear is silence. I will keep trying to believe in that which I can not see but I often feel that my doubts will always get the best of me.
Thanks Beth –Since I struggle greatly with my unbelief (and I am often not sure if I am a Christian or not) and even though I felt alone and out of place in many ways, I still always felt safe in your fellowship the times that I went to hear you speak.
Beth and my siestas,
I commented earlier, but I just wanted to share something that just occurred to me. As I’m reading over all of these posts, I really must say that I think they are more beautiful than any set of comments ever. Praise God that the same group of women who laugh together about silly girl stuff can stop to get real with one another & admit our weaknesses! (Sometimes, it’s refreshing to let other people see your morning face once in a while!) And, praise God that we can be authentic because we have a Savior who has paid for it all! His power is made perfect in our weakness.
And to my siesta who said she doesn’t yet feel the same affection for Jesus as she does for God, I pray that as you read this blog that demonstrates how broken we all are in our flesh and as you realize that Jesus paid for all of these strongholds and sins on the cross once and for all, I pray that your love for him would increase all the more! One of the things I pray for the most is that I would love Jesus more – so don’t give up!
Love to ALL!!
1. Guilt, shame and fear of discovery of my marital infidelity. And more than once! I didn’t learn my lesson until I completely ruined a man and his precious family. And I was a Christian (backslidden and rebelious obviously) at the time. Though I’ve repented and forsaken that path, I just feel like such a fraud.
2. Reliance on self. Thinking that I can do most things without Him. Though I know every blessing and skill I have is a priceless gift from Him, I’m afraid that deep down, I must somehow think that I can function without Him.
1. Fear- that something bad will happen to my husband or children. That God will allow something bad to happen to me to bring me closer to Him.
2. Laziness and lack of determination/willpower to change habits.
1. my shame from a past of sexual abuse, an eating disorder that has transpired from that, a cutting habit that makes me want to cover my whole entire body up b/c i am so full of scars that i repulse even myself.
2. shame, fear, feeling so unworthy of His love, His grace, His forgiveness. I am so disgusted by my own self I have trouble believing that somebody else would not feel the same way.
Its such a lonely place, trying to keep the smile on all the time to hide the pain…sometimes i even convince myself i am happy.
1) Control. So many things have happened in my life already (I am a highschool sister) that have caused me to withdraw from others and from God. My need for control has led me now into a period of self-hurt and an eating disorder. What began as a cry for help and way to control the pain in my heart has only spiraled out of my control and left me more hurt, empty, and in a seemingly endless cycle of tears and loneliness.
2) Unbelief. I know that I absolutely cannot deny His presence and faithfulness in my life, but what I can believe for other people I still cannot seem to claim for myself. I believe that God will always reveal His glory in the lives of others as they break free from strongholds and experience healing, but I have a difficult time truly believing that for myself. As a result, there are areas of my heart that I just cannot seem to trust Him with.
OOPS! I think I just left my BF comment on the Titus blog. Transfer it over?
This is the best blog yet. Next to the Roll Call. Reading everyone’s comments over the past month and seeing cute pix…everyone wants to be cute:)…it gives the image that we have ‘perfect little Christian lives’. This is sooooooo refreshing! I love everyone’s honesty. Thank you for being so brave!
And maybe we should have a blog posting just for the single gals one day. Let’s see who’s out there young and old. What’s your ‘single story’ and how does it feel to be alone? What are the positives about single living?
1. The “bad” legacy I might be leaving for my children.
2. Lack of self-discipline in obedience to God, also feeling awkward in freely worshipping Him openly.
1. the thing about bondage is that it seems I will never be free, or deserve to be free, or what will freedom really look like? it is a constant daily battle to ‘think’ differently and think I am out of bondage.
2. similar for me, the obstacles seems to much like bondage. Never feeling free of the past abuse suffered as a child, from infancy until engaged and married. cannot forgive myself, although scripture says otherwise.
1) The desire to be liked/loved. It drives everything I do and the disappointment when I feel disliked/unloved drives me to eat!
2) I guess really believing He likes me (I know He loves me, but does He like me?) and thus not needing to receive it from other people.
261 comments later…I can not believe I read them all…but I kept seeing myself in so many of them.
Body image-check;food-check;laziness-check;pride-check;trust-check;childhood abuse-check;fantasizing-check;pornography affected marriage-check;keeping up with the Jones-check
#1 I guess for me, the thing that “threatens” me most is how easily I could be “there” again. Sometimes I feel like just one wrong decision and I will be in bondage again…and I am afraid.
I might not be able to keep myself from being thrown into a Pit but having to realize that I often JUMP feet first on my own or worse yet(and more frequently) slip into a Pit because I was walking around the edge teetering like a tight rope….that is a tough pill to swallow.
#2 Because somehow when reading about the Israelites and what foolish things they did during their 40 years in the wilderness…I think, “well, I still have time…I am only 34”
Why is the wilderness so inviting??? How come I can “name it, and claim it” but NOT live it?
Thanks to each and everyone of you…somehow, this post cemented the true sisterhood of this site…Praise Jesus the road to redemption is filled with imperfect women struggling with addiction and self worth and pride and fear…I am THAT woman…thank you for loving me.
Oh Mama Beth and beloved Siestas, thank you for your comments and honesty.
High five to the Siesta who lives in a pigsty because she is lazy, we might be twins. And to the one with the mother who is a travel agent for guilt trips, perhaps we can use our frequent flyer miles to take a trip together some time? It would be nice to have company.
1. I might be able to write a book about all the things and ways that I feel threatened. I guess it would have to be my thought life because it controls everything else. Remember when you said on Life Today, “Girlfriend, you better rebuild your mind on God’s word or you are going to self-destruct yourself”–ditto. The darkness and depression and confusion that so often accompanies me (since conception i am almost sure) makes taking my own life seem easier and more desirable than trying to get it right and hope to one day walk in freedom. I push things down and try to get through the day until times God really speaks to me through you and I remember all the baggage decorating my pit. Really, I’m fine, just have a deep desire to be free and keep failing miserably.
2. My own selfish laziness and lack of self discipline while simultaneously trying to please everyone and make them happy. Wasting time on the computer and by just being “stuck” like a hampster on her wheel. And fear. Guilt. Shame. Rinse, repeat.
1.My thought life and believing the lies of the enemy that were told to me in the past by others and the lies I tell myself today.
2.Feeling unlovable. I have built such a protective shell around my heart that I know it to be true that God loves me but I haven’t experienced it enough to be real.