Hey, Sweet Things!
As you can see from our title today, our topic is fighting for our marriages! The video is much longer than usual this time around (almost 25 minutes) and very un-slick and unrehearsed. It comes to you with a ton of love, however. I hope you get a chance to view it and, God willing, find some encouragement from it. In the event that you don’t get time, I want to make sure I put some written information here that God could cause to be life changing for a number of you. We talk about a wider range of topics concerning marriage on the video but one of the things I tell you about is a Godly couple I recently met with a profound ministry to those who have been devastated by infidelity. It’s called Affair Recovery and you can learn all about it at www.AffairRecovery.com. Here’s a short bio:
• Affair Recovery is based in Austin, Texas, and is the first company to offer anonymous online group support worldwide for those impacted by infidelity.
• Rick Reynolds brings over 20 years of experience and insight to his role as president and founder of Affair Recovery. [I suggest reading “Rick’s Story online: “In 1984, my marriage was devastated when I betrayed my wife. We had no idea where to turn….” ]
• Rick has counseled over 2,000 couples in-person, and to date 500 couples have completed Affair Recovery’s new online courses.
• They help people heal from the pain of affairs and betrayal.
• All of our materials are created by clinical professionals many of whom have personally experienced infidelity.
• “The introduction of interactive online courses through AffairRecovery.com is a dream come true for me as a marriage counselor,” says Reynolds. “Every day I wondered how we could provide more people out there with the access and support they need, when they need it and in an affordable manner. More importantly, how we could create a community that supports and encourages one another through the recovery process. Now we’re making that happen every day with clients through our online solutions.”
As Rick and Stephanie say,
“”It’s not as hopeless as it feels.”
Wouldn’t it be something if the devil got caught in the snare that he hid for your marriage and you let God restore and redeem all you’ve been through? With God, all things are possible. Even life after betrayal.
Let me say one more thing before I close. I say it on the video but it’s crucial that I say it here, too. Be VERY CAUTIOUS about your comments to this post. We will also be moderating them very carefully so give us plenty of time to post them after you leave them. The purpose of this blog and this post is encouragement and edification in Christ. Please do not divulge secrets, name names, malign or slander, even if you think someone deserves to be outed. I say this with much love and compassion: if you are not in the frame of mind to RECEIVE encouragement and edification or not in the frame of mind to GIVE encouragement and edification, please forego leaving a comment this time around. By all means, participate through reading, listening, praying and considering. You are so loved here, even if you’re madder than a hornet at your spouse and at what you’d call the system.
Many of you on here are involved in various women’s ministries. I hope you are blessed and relieved to know that a Godly framework exists for you to recommend to many who feel hopeless after infidelity.
And in case it’s been a while since anyone said this to any of you, I am so sorry for the hurts that have come to you. God collects your every tear, knows your every fear, and He can take every piece of your fractured heart and create in you a new one. There is life on the other side of absolutely anything if we’re in Christ. Even something that we feel like will nearly kill us. That’s what resurrection power is all about: raising the dead.
I love you so dearly.
Wow…my husband had an affair 7 years ago, and we are still working through this in our relationship. God has restored our marriage,but there are still wounds and scars. Thank you so much for opening up this discussion; I have felt for several years like an oddity in my church. No one in my church family has admitted this has happened to them. I so need to hear from sisters who have walked this road and can understand my feelings.
Oh Annie!!!! Such a blessing to hear that you fought for it!!! I’m the child of a divorce because of an affair, and neither of my parents attended church for years simply because the church wasn’t caring or supportive. It was even hard for me and my siblings. We felt like odd balls too. My own “spiritual mama” is also recently divorced, and feels so alone in church as well. We live in a small town, which makes things so much worse. Everybody knows everybody else’s business. It IS hard, and I’m soooo sorry you have experienced this!!!! It makes it even harder when you don’t feel safe and cared for in the very place you should receive the most love. Keep fighting, sweet woman!!! He can restore and rebuild ANYTHING!!! I pray your church steps up to love on you through it all.
Hi Annie:
I can certainly understand your feelings. I, too, was the victim of infidelity. God restored our marriage, and we will be celebrating 19 yrs in a few weeks. God blessed us with 2 wonderful people to be our mentors who were instrumental in helping us to recover. While the wounds and scars will remain, forgiveness is key. Our mentors helped us by reminding us that God casts our sins into the sea of forgetfulness–that true forgiveness involves actively choosing to “forget” the affair….to **never** bring it up. Sister, let me tell you–the enemy will try to bring it up–and it will surface at the most inappropriate time and can cause division if you allow it to. Consciously, you have to ask God to remove the memory….time after time until it is gone. Honestly, I can tell you that as I’m writing this, I can’t recall exactly what year it happened in my marriage….BUT, I can tell you that my husband and I are stronger today than ever before! God is faithful–and just like we consciously ask for the daily filling of his Spirit, we need to consciously ask for his strength in forgiveness. I choose my marriage, and I will forever fight for it….and yes, there are times I still worry about it re-occuring….but, I’ve learned to give it all to the only ONE who can carry my burdens because I recognize the enemy and his scheme….We serve a faithful God…and He loves me (and you!) 🙂
When my husband left me and then divorced me, I ended up leaving our church. Not one person asked me over several months how I was doing. Not one person called me on the phone and offered support. I so totall relate to wanting/needing support from my church family and feeling so very hurt that none of them seemed to care!
Dear Me,
I am so heartbroken by the words you wrote. A beautiful lady began coming to our church about 18 months ago and has become a very dear friend to me. It took her some time to tell me that her husband had just recently decided he didn’t want to be married after 19 years. I couldn’t believe it and at times still can’t believe it. She is so sweet and her children have become so integrated into my own family people ask if they are mine.
Here is my question? There are several couples who hang out together at church and my friend is always part of that group and goes to lunch with us after church. None of us have ever asked her over for dinner when other couples are included because we felt it may make her uncomfortable. After reading your post I thought I would ask someone on the other side their thoughts. I will be talking to my friend about this because of the post you wrote. Thank you for bringing this matter to God’s people. If you had never posted, I wouldn’t be bringing it up to my friend. I would love to know the best way to minister to those who have been or going through a very traumatic experience as dicorce. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain. When I think about my friend and her children, I get physically ill and desire to do immature things to my friend’s husband.
Beth,
Divorce has effected my sweet best friend. I have cried with her through it from the time she found out about his affair, through the counseling sessions, him moving out, the lawyer visits, her opening a new bank account for the first time, so on and so forth. This has broke my heart because her exhusband is dear to my heart too. He has not been willing to fight for the marriage. Makes me sad. I love them both and still pray for Godly intervention. They are both still single. Thank you for this message. Satan is working overtime at trying to destroy our families.
Very timely and thank you for the resource.
I am experiencing an unexpected betrayal. This is not about another person, but about betraying my family and me to a business group that obviously was his “significant other” for decades.
I have just learned that our income was slashed by 2/3s over the past four years after 40+ years of building a business. There is no income at all now due to my spouse trying to protect his long time business associates rather than our family.
I had warnings over the years. I supported an unhealthy situation. I am aware that I blindly went along hoping for the best. I have to acknowlege my responsibility in this tragic matter. I am working on becoming as healthy as possible with the help of our Lord and some of his finest Godly counselors.
I feel as if I am in a nightmare and I cannot wake up.
I have no frame of reference for this unexpected situation. Thank you Beth for bringing women’s real issues “to the table” for our Lord to redeem. Blessings and love.
Just sending you a hug from a wife of a church planter in Florida. I love how much Jesus I see in you. Glad we are sisters!!!! You bless me to no end.
Thanks so much for this post today! Now that I have been married 19yrs I am experiencing the devastation of divorce among my church peer group. When we were couples in the college and career group at church, none of us had it in mind that we be separated in our marriage except by death. Unfortunately that has not been the case. I am so grateful for tools that can help build our marriages to be stronger. I will certainly pass the http://www.AffairRecovery.com to our Pastoral Care Director for a place to refer couples to. I am thankful that Siestaville is a “town” of 10,000 that is place of encouragement for Marriages, Parenting, and all matter of things that are in this life. To God be the Glory!
Siesta Stacie
I just like to add some words of encouragement. I know there are those who need to turn to the Lord and seek God’s help. He is willing to forgive, restore and give you hope.
Give God your marriage, your home, and your children. Let Him mend your hurts and your heart with His tender, gentle and loving care.
I have been married 26 years, but I am going to pray_ to get on my knees and ask God to continue watching over my sweet, Christian husband and two boys. I pray that God will give me the strength to be the Godly, Christian wife that I should be and forgive me in the areas I have failed. We both have been faithful, but I feel its important to ask God to help us to keep us together in His bond of love. Thank you, Beth for sharing from your heart.
Lord, please help others in their marriages and help them to have Christian homes that honor and bless You. in Christ
I am sooooo thankful a ministry like this exists!!!!!!! I’m the child of a divorce that was caused by an affair. I was 9 when it happened and nearly 15 years later it still deeply effects my siblings and I every single day. I actually had a phone conversation with my older sibling this afternoon about some of the complications that still linger from this tragedy. I can’t help but wonder what might have happened if someone had offered some support like this to my parents. I am so encouraged to see this post!
Wow, you sweet, sweet Siesta Mama. Praise God that He pressed this on your heart. So often I feel as if you are talking directly to me. There was much on this video that I needed to hear (some things not meant for me, thankfully, but important to know about nonetheless as a pastor’s wife.) Thank you for normalizing things that many of us are afraid/ashamed to talk about….what a relief to know that we are not alone. Thank you so much for caring about us…..for taking the time to reach out to us…..for keeping us in the Word, where we can feel the love of our awesome, Heavenly Father. And I LOVE YOU SWEET THING! (was gonna write “love you” but remembered a “conversation” we had recently.) (((((Hugs)))))
This is a great post and I am definitely going to pass the Affair Recovery info on to anyone I know who will be in need of it. Sad to say, that this is very common and even my family has been affected by it. My Dad had his first affair over ten years ago. He was repentant and my parents worked it out then. Until ast year, after several more known and unknown indiscretions he decided he couldn’t stay married anymore and left our family just days after my brother’s 17th birthday. It was devastating, we all knew that he probably wouldn’t stay but truly had hope that he would stick it out at least until the youngest(my brother) of his children had left home. There are so many hurts and so many thjings you really don’t want to explain to your little children. So so sad.
Thanks for the info on this resource, I pray that it will be a mighty tool of great use to many who need it!
Beth,
I am doing “David” bible study in my church right now. I have had a messed up life with several marriages. The wonderful husband that I have now is so awesome that I have always told him that he is my gift from God, but through this bible study God showed me the other day that my union is a sinfull one, because we were both married, seperated, but married when we met and started seeing each other, and other things. God so sweetly revealed to me that He could not have honored our union that was so sin laden. I asked forgivness and asked Him to bless my union. My husband is not saved, he is agnostic, but I really believe that now God will honor our marriage and my request for his salvation. Thank you Beth for all that you do, I thank God for you and your wisdom. I love you, thanks again
Thanks Beth for reminding me that I have to fight hard for my marriage. Going through the empty nest syndrome, but 1 daughter home from college and teaching:) I know that we need to sort things out and have been through an amazing Christian counselor!! I’m going to forward the blog post to my dear Siesta who does not get on the LPM site often. It is so appropriate for her.
Thank you Beth for loving all of us so much that you would be willing to point us back to Jesus.
FYI, the post stopped @ 19.36 min. Could not hear the rest.
I am the daughter of parents whose marriage the world would have given up on… whose marriage I had given up on. I am also the daughter of parents whose marriage was restored to so much more than it ever was before. Our God is powerful, and He is so good. And He really can take the impossible and make it the miraculous! I know because I saw it.
It was hard, and on some days, it was just ugly. And no one in our family made it through the fire unscathed… Thankfully, the God of miracles is also the God of comfort because I silent-sobbed my way through a lot of my sophomore year of college, half a country away from my struggling parents. But they fought, first with each other and then for their marriage, and God won! Today, five years later, I sometimes sit in my parents’ living room with tears stinging my eyes because it would have been so much easier for them to have given up. But they didn’t. And I’m so grateful.
I know them well enough to know that they aren’t that special. I love them dearly but there is nothing noteworthy about them that would warrant a miracle God isn’t willing to provide to any desperate couple – the God who did it for them wants to do it for you.
And I KNOW He is able!
“… there is nothing noteworthy about them that would warrant a miracle God isn’t willing to provide to any desperate couple – the God who did it for them wants to do it for you.”
Thank you so much for these words. Thank you, thank you.
Thank you, God, for laying this heavy upon the hearts of Beth and LPM. May you be exalted here.
I can personally testify of God’s amazing grace. I have been married 14 years Nov. 2! God has restored a lot of pain, depression, insecurity, and lost trust! Five years ago my husband and I drifted apart. Our hearts were hardened towards one another. We had both strayed emotionally and into the arms of someone else. The love was lost. We have two children then five and two. I was ready to leave. But God took over! We are happily married by the means of Jesus Christ alone. He is mighty to save. Our marriage is stronger, we communicate better, we are more compassionate, and attentive to one another. Our hearts are softened and we are in love. Hang in there. Fight the fight! Your family is worth it. If there is an ounce of hope, There is room enough for God to move! He is in the business of overturning Satan! Praise Him!!!!
You’re singin’ my song, Mama Beth. I just wrote a blog post this week about marriages in crisis. My husband and I, too, tiptoed up to the line of divorce, thought about it and (as the Good Lord as our witness) decided at that moment it was just too expensive and that was the only reason we had at the time to hold our marriage together. That was 7 years ago and God has redeemed and blessed our marriage so many times over!
I am thankful for every scar and wound from that time that it brought me to where I am today. I pray for God to use what I’ve been through to glorify Him and bless and minister to others!
Thank you SO much for bringing this subject to light! I, too, have heard amazing things about Affair Recovery. I want so much to claim our marriages for the Lord in His church and among His believers.
I have been asking the Lord for yet another sign, about writing a book. A few years ago our family went through the depths of despair regarding infidelty and addiction. When the truth came to light I read every book, website, article I could get my hands on – some books I would find a helpful paragraph maybe two, other books would just add salt to the gaping wound, or would be written to the betrayed spouse but solely written on how to help the offender. I was so fustrated – I asked God why hadn’t anyone written a book with helpful information on how the shell shocked spouse could heal, how could I maintain my relationship with God, be a Godly mother to my children, be a woman of integrity, and not grow bitter, no matter what happened with my marriage. You know what happened – I thought I heard God say why don’t you do it? I prayed – God if your talking to me, no masters degree in psychology or theology, just a housewife coming from an abusive backround, horrible at English/grammar, me? If that’s the case God I need a sign – maybe a few signs. (Of course, I could look at this post as a coincidence or another sign that I should do more than feel compassion for marriages being attacked by infidelty.)
My heart goes out to any woman dealing with a betrayal in marriage, no matter what side of the equation she’s on. Keep your eyes on Jesus, pray without ceasing, God loves YOU! He knows when a sparrow falls from the sky, He knows your heart is breaking. He knows exactly how many hairs you have on your head, He cares about you.
We’re celebrating our 16th year of marriage this Friday! There are still moments it feels like a one day at a time marriage, but I can honestly say our marriage is better than it ever was. My relationship with God is better than it was. We’re better parents than we had been. It truly is ONLY by God’s grace our families intact today.
Beth – I just got home from Wednesday night Bible study and logged on. (I’ve missed y’all!) When I saw the title of this post I thought, “how did Beth know we just finished Week 7 of your “Wising Up,” Proverbs study where you SAID THE EXACT SAME THING! You talked about fighting for our marriages as you taught through Proverbs 31:10-31. So good.
I find it noteworthy that your post here and the 90 minute DVD I just watched earlier this evening are on the same subject. When God speaks twice or thrice I want to pay attention (or even once for goodness sake). YOU BLESS ME! I appreciate your heart to minister and know you do not “recommend” lightly.
As a pastor’s wife these past 34 years I have seen this heartache too often – both in and outside of the church family. Thank you for caring for us and equipping us too. I love you dearly too.
Your friend, G.J.
Thanks for the video on marriage,Siesta Mama! By & with God’s grace my man & I are celebrating 21 years of marriage TO.DAY.! Have a great weekend, Siestas!
Just wanted to say, there is always hope for any marriage! If you are willing to stay in and fight for it! I really believe that marriage is being attacked. I just this morning was thinking about this same subject matter and I was reading my daily devtotion. To me being married and staying married is the hardest work we could ever do! I told my husband this morning that our marriage has not made it, that we are making it! That we will not have made it until we take our last breath! I pray now for anyone who is struggling in there marriage. That they will stay in there and fight and may God give them the strength and courage they will need to stand together!
Satan used infidelity to try and destroy my marriage 6 years ago. In my story I was the one he drug into the pit. I witnessed my father’s infidelity from the age of 9 throughout my entire life until he passed two years ago. The legacy of this he passed to me led me down a path of brokenness and guilt. It destroyed my first marriage in my early twenties, then almost again to the godly man I am married to today. The beauty of this is through Godly counsel and the amazing Grace of my heavenly Father, our marriage was restored above and beyond my wildest dreams, my confidence and security redeemed, and we now are seeking His plan to use the beauty from the ashes to minister to others. God is our refuge, our strength, and certainly our REDEEMER! There is no brokenness He cannot heal. It may be a painful and long process, but the journey is certainly worth the effort!! Armor up and fight with all you’ve got! He goes BEFORE you in battle and it’s already won!
This is a timely Word. God is restoring the home and hearts. We suffered this in our marriage. My husband was a pro athlete and has since come to Jesus BIG. I just finished writing our story and saw the book cover proof on Monday. I am delighted to be made aware of this program at this time. It will be a wonderful reference. Beth, you are mentioned in our story as some of your teaching was instrumental in restoration through God’s Word. When it comes off of the press I will send you a copy. Even while I was in the midst of writing the story at a critical time you posted in a blog, “You don’t have to say everything to say something.” It was wisdom from on high.
Just testing~
Dear sisters,
Many years ago I was the one who cheated… I know what led up to it but take full responsibility. I didn’t truly believe in a God that really loved me (abusive childhood) and although I tried to be perfect, I felt so short of the goal that when I messed up, I kept at it. Addictive food binging was also a control issue that held me in it’s vice for 13 years. When I finally “felt God loved me” for the first time long over a decade ago, that is what my husband said gave him the strength or the ‘go ahead’ from God to stick with me. I learned unconditional love through him from God who pulled me from my pit…I hit rock bottom and truly begged for change…and He did. I treasure God now as a Father and seek to please Him in everything, over anyone and anything else, with my husbands loving support, and am teaching our children the same. I had to forgive to change though, and be willing to let go of the past hurts. I could not have done so if it had been constantly held over my head though… I want others to know there is true hope in God that He can and will change someone…when they are truly and desperately willing!! I want others to know how much God truly loves them and deeply cares for everything they endure…and want my children to know and seek Him for He truly is everything!! I am amazed at God’s love…I don’t just believe He is there, I KNOW it because of the whole way my heart thinks and feels now. Dear sisters there is never anyone that cannot be changed by His love and power and presence 🙂 I too am living proof by the grace of the Father through Jesus~
Thank you for sharing, darling sister. God is so merciful. SO redeeming.
Thank you so much for your post. God’s timing is amazing as my husband and I sat together last night talking about where we go from here to restore our marriage. His background is very much like yours and, although he is a believer, I SO want for him to understand the depth of God’s love for him. As long as Satan keeps him believing the lie that he is unworthy of love, our struggle will be great. The devil knows how much good we could do for God’s kingdom if my husband were released from the enemy’s wretched snare. Well, this wife is up for the fight because I have the God of the universe and the Savior of the world who go forth ahead of me! Our marriage is in God’s loving hands and I will trust, obey and fight for it!
My husband and I celebrate our 28th anniversary in two weeks, and I praise God for this man He blessed me with and the years we have had together, and for our two wonderful daughters. I know that it is only because of God that marriages can be strong and lasting, and not just the staying power of one or the other in a relationship. God must be right there in the middle of our marriages! That is right where I want Him to be!
Beth, we love you, too. And thank you, Beth. Your ministry was there to give me support when I sorely needed it.
I want to share the certain truth of the power of God to restore marriages, heal wounds and send the devil packing.
While in the midst of this time in my life, I chose not to listen to all the voices of human counsel. I chose instead to listen to God’s voice, and He led me through the valley to reconciliation. His plan was to eventually redeem all the pain and suffering by bringing my husband to faith. This all happened about 3 years ago. We will be celebrating our 40th anniversary in December.
The joy of the Lord is, was and always will be my strength. He is a God of miracles and I pray that all who may be in this pain and place of hopelessness, may see His face and follow His bidding. He will see you through, and this resource sounds like a wonderful place to get started.
Yes, Beth and my sweet Siestas, with God, all things are possible.
God gave me this scripture to pray for my spouse:
Ezekiel 36:26-27
And He answered my prayer!
Beth,
I am a survivor of infidelity….my husband of 30 years had an affair while I battled cancer.
Only through our Lord did I come through this time without bitterness and with the ability to forgive. After 7 years of being happily single, I am currently engaged to a Godly man I met at church.
Betrayal is an awful thing with scars that remain forever. However, through His love and grace,
New growth can come.
Thank you for your kind words,
You are the best!
In 2000 I was ready to leave my husband of almost 20 years for another man. I was far from God at the time. My husband and I were very different to begin with and we had “grown apart.” It’s a very long story but I told my husband that I was considering leaving him for someone else. At first it was awful, to say the least! I hurt him so much. For days he was so ugly to me…who could blame him. Several days later he asked me to reconsider. That same day I was standing in an empty apartment trying to decide where to put “my” things when it dawned on me that nothing was “mine.” It was all “ours.” We had grown up together…We had married at 18 and 21. I was 2 months pregnant, and we had known each other only 6 months. We were clueless, to say the least. There’s so much more to this story, but the bottom line is he fought for me and he forgave me! And I, by the grace of God, decided to try to make it work and stayed. As I grew closer to God, I also grew closer to my husband. I am blessed to have a man that NEVER has thrown it back in my face or made me “pay” for what I had done. If he had any suspicions later he never mentioned it. He just loved me unconditionally. We have since been married over 32 years and I have grown to love and respect him more than I ever thought possible. We renewed our vows at our 25th anniversary which was a gift! There is definitely HOPE after an affair if both parties are willing to forgive and then use it not to torture the guilty one, but to help others avoid or recover from an affair….which we have done….also by the grace of God! I’m forever grateful!
All I can say is marriage is worth fighting for. I’ve been married 43 years and have been through it all, yet we love each other more today than ever. We’ve suffered through our teens rebelling, a crisis pregnancy with our daughter and our grandchild and daughter living withnus, the loss of our 18 year old son to a motorcycle accident. That’s when our 20 year old daughter entered our room in tears and said, “I know the statistics on divorce when a couple has lost a child.” We promised her we wouldn’t be amongst that statistic. But life happens and we, in our pain comforted ourselves separately. Me, burying myself in our children, my husband in his work. we still had our date night, but it was superficial. He was angry with me, and I with him. An emotional affair took place and he confessed. We were restored and forgave each other. I say each other as we both needed forgiveness. This took much time and pain and effort, but I will never regret the blood. Sweat, and tears. I love that man and am so glad we get to grow old together. Fight hard for God’s best.
What an answer to prayer, Beth! Just when I am struggling in my marriage, you have given me ideas, encouragement, and a game plan. To God be the Glory–great things He has done (and will do!). Love you!
Wow. Does this ever hit home. My husband was a pastor and this was an issue from day 1, especially for the last 10 of 20 years. I forgave him repeatedly and asked only that he cease ANY relationship with the other person. He refused. I finally couldn’t take it any longer (trying to live a lie to the congregation) and went to the elders for help. My husband divorced me, blaming me for everything. I know this doesn’t make sense, but sin never does make sense, does it??
I give God the glory for all the healing He’s done in my life since that point. Wish I could tell you the story here, but I won’t. I have even greater compassion now for marriages in crisis and can sniff them out like a bloodhound (due to the Holy Spirit, of course).
God brought a wonderful man to me two years ago and we’re learning how to be married to each other. 🙂 Things still keep popping up from time to time, and I’m back on my knees again forgiving and being forgiven. It’s amazing the lifelong scars that infidelity leaves. But the Great Physician has such loving arms and comforts, heals and restores us.
I’m so glad to know of this new resource. And thank you, Siesta Mama, for sharing it with us. I plan to take advantage of the learning courses because I’m pretty sure God isn’t finished with me yet. 😉
Oh sweet Beth-
This couldn’t have come at a more appropriate time for me. I am in the throws of the devils snare right now and have known it. I read a very profound post on Amanda’s baby bangs blog the other day that talks about walking down a hallway towards destruction and the closer we get the less opportunity we have to get away from destruction.
I have been involved in an emotional affair with an ex-boyfriend of mine for the last several months, and I thought I had a solid, loving marriage that could never fall victim to this. I feel like Satan crept in one day and played on all of our faults and garbage and insecurity and then…brought an ex-boyfriend out of the woodwork. The thing that has been playing like a broken record in my head…is that the choices I’ve made and continue to make stand to impact two marriages, eleven children between the two of us, and two entire families…those 15 lives can be completely ruined by the choices we make…and yet…I struggle to walk away from my ex because he makes me alive in ways I haven’t for the last 7 years…I feel like I have become this ugly empty shell of a person…and somehow he fills that.
Please pray for my marriage, my family, my children, and his as well. Pray for God to close the doors that need closing and swing wide the ones that need to be open.
In Him,
Andrea
Dearest Andrea, many here know the power of this kind of emotional tie and the devastation that can come from it. And, rarely do emotional ties stay emotional. Given time, they lead to inappropriate conversations, shared fantasies and ultimate realities that will rip your lives apart. Let me say with deep affection toward you that you wouldn’t have posted your story if you didn’t want to be stopped. You’re begging for someone to say, “STOP IT NOW” and, Sweet Thing, I don’t mind being the one. Stop it now. Do not contact him again in any way. Slam that door. Don’t go back and tell him the decision you’ve made. Never contact him again. Get rid of every note. Delete any text. Cleanse your house and life of all infiltration. There is death that leads to life but what you’ve described as life will lead to death. I beg you. Stop now. And I love you. Run for dear life to the God who loves you so, who has the plan, and who alone can give you the fullness of 1 Corinthians 2:9.
Siestas, let’s not overwhelm her with comments or over-preach to her. It could have the reverse effect. Let’s be so thankful that she shared and let’s pray for her and for others who commented and for ourselves as those also weak in our natural man. Prone to wander, Lord, we feel it! Our kinds of pits may differ and our lengths of stay but none among you has plunged into deeper places of sin and bondage than me in my past. I cast no stones but I do indeed yell with a megaphone, “Run for your life to Jesus!” He is life. And He is RIGHT.
Andrea,
Amen to all Beth said! Also, pray for the soul tie between you and your ex-boyfriend to be severed by the blood of Jesus. Pray that his mind will stay off of you and your mind will stay off of him. I was also tempted in this area several years ago and I sensed that Holy Spirit showed me that the former boyfriend was thinking of me and regretting that things did not work out b/w us and his thoughts toward me were pulling on me emotionally, causing me to want to see him. I prayed for him to give it up and realize that it was too late that we are both committed in marriages now. Those prayers were effective and the emotional pulls did not last long. The enticement was great, but Jesus was greater. As Mama Beth said, run to Jesus and stay close to him!
I can certainly understand what Andrea is going through having experienced that myself. It was a constant battle and sometimes still raises its head. It resulted in my being more patient and compassionate about others with addictions. Because that is what it is like but you are not addicted to the person but to the emotions and feelings that you experienced when you were with that person. After being married for a while, you can lose the fire and passions that you feel for your spouse even though you love your husband and your family. I learned to seek God for that passion..to become passionate about him and look to him to fulfill that need. Even if you divorce and marry that exboyfriend, that relationshiip will have the same issue over time. My husband and I talked about it once and I realised that he had a similar feeling for an ex friend of his. He does not know how badly in the snare I was but I could tell him that it is normal and not something he should beat himself up about. He stays away from any contact with that person as do I. But it does not take away the longing that you feel. But it is a trick of the devil and I have learned to turn that passion toward God.All marriages have seasons and I have learned that you have to ride the season until the next one comes along and through it all look to God for that passion. Please pray for me as I will for you..the situation has deepened my relationship with God to a new level. This too shall pass but you have to choose to not focus on that person and it is a continual battle but you can win it with god’s help.
Andrea, I am praying for you for I have been where you are and am now in the middle of trying to clean up the train wreck I have caused. My affair with an ex-boyfriend started in my 19th year of marriage and lasted for over 2 years. We tried to stop many times but satans grip on us was strong. The longer your affair continues, the more your conscience will be calmed and you will justify your actions. I know how difficult Beth’s advice is to implement, but she is exactly correct. I wish I had told my husband in the beginning but I was too afraid and also enjoying my new relationship even though I knew I was so very wrong. The longer it goes on, the more difficult it is to end. I fell in love with my affair partner and out of love with my husband. Now I am trusting God to bring back my love for my husband…it has been 7 weeks since full disclosure and the healing is slow, very slow and very hurtful. I only hope and pray that I can love my husband again. Beth has told you to “stop it!” and I because of my experience..am begging and pleading for you to stop it.
I have been searching for a good opportunity to ask advice/seek encouragement in this area. I’m not quite sure if this is the right place for it, so I’m sorry ahead of time. It just seemed to fit for the momemtn.
My husband and I are newly weds,6 months, and both in the military. Between deployements, we have spent the a broken 2 out of 6 months together. How does being faithful not only in deed, but also in mind work into this, specifically in the area of pornography or strip clubs? I strive to be faithful to my husband in all ways, but he doesn’t quite see it that way. I came home from work about an hour ago to find out that he is at this very moment at a strip club while away on a work trip. How do I fight for my marriage at a distance? How can I approach it with reasoning that my unsaved husband will understand? What if his friends “drug” him there. Should I expect him to stand up for our marriage and get a cab back to the hotel?
Holly,
I am going to pray for you and your husband right now. I encourage you to stay in contact with your husband as much as possible through letters, internet or whatever possible, encouraging him, letting him know you love him no matter what his situation and pray that God will send someone in his path that can minister to him overseas.
As one trooper to another I know it is not easy, my husband was in the military also. praying, in Christ
Holly,
Andy Stanley taught a great series this spring that covers this. It was targeted towards singles, but many of the concepts apply to marriage (and by extension our relationship to God).
One of his points was that if we turn to pornography or other lusts, we are saying that our spouse is not enough for us, and that step has severe consequences. It is not just a switch we can turn off later.
Here is the link if you want to watch it. There are four parts.
message by Andy Stanley entitled The Right Person Myth – http://www.northpoint.org//messages/the-new-rules-for-love-sex-and-dating/part-1
First, I need to say that I am praying for all those who are dealing with situations like this and that God would soften hearts and supply all the strength needed for battle against the enemy.
Second, I debated whether or not to write a post about what I was thinking because I am currently not married. My fiance and I are at the beginning stages of planning a wedding and working towards marriage within the next year. He and I had an explosive argument/disagreement the other day. Just an hour or so before reading this blog I watched a teaching video by Beth on Youtube titled: “A Fight Worth Having” I was so blessed and encouraged by being reminded that “fighting with” and “fighting for” are two very different things.
Anyway, I bring this up because as someone who is working towards marriage this video has been encouraging to me. It caused me to seriously consider the lengths to which I would go to protect, nurture, and fight FOR this relationship ( and this relationship in the future in marriage). I know we’re not married yet and the magnitude of our disagreement was not on as big of a scale as some of the above mentioned, but I want for us to start practicing forgiveness and start developing the skills to best fight for our future marriage when the tough times do come about!
I just feel as though this post encouraged me and “taught” me more about how holy and great marriage is and how necessarily it is to fight for it.
I hope this isn’t out of place. I just want to say that I’m greatly encouraged by those who are fighting! Your belief in marriage and your desire to fight for this relationship just greater instilled in me how special this relationship really is in God’s sight.
With love and prayers!
This is so timely. We have just celebrated 16years of marriage. We are saddened to see some of our friends separating and divorcing.
My father passed away 2 weeks ago and at the funeral I spoke to the gathering of a man left a legacy to his children that I want to carry on into my own family; and that is that dad honoured his marriage of 32 years. He and mum loved eachother and communicated well always. Through thick and then they stuck it out.
I am chosing to Love, Serve and be Committed to my husband while there is still air in my lungs. Whenever we go through hardships I keep seeking that the Lord keep my focus my ‘comittment’ and not my ‘feelings.’
We ALL need to be on guard as the devil is roaming around seeking whom he may devour. If he devours the marriage, he devours the family, the Church and Society.
Thank you for posting this. My parents had a difficult marriage due to my mother’s mental illness. I determined I was going to go a different road and by God’s grace we will be married 16 years this week.
However… I have been repeatedly devastated this last year as I have heard of friends separated and divorcing. I have been literally in tears over Christian women – with whom I have studied the Bible, women who did Beth’s studies, in some cases for YEARS – who have walked away from marriages and had affairs. One woman I know left her husband for another woman. I am so sad for the children involved and so sad for the people who I have known for years and would never, ever have dreamed would end up in this situation. I know people whose marriages are difficult. But these were people who seemed rock solid.
It is so painful to see this happen to people I care about.
I continue to pray that God would bring them to their senses.
So thankful for the road I have been on too, My mother passed away last week after a lifetime of mental illness, her 58 year marriage to my dad was an emotional roller coaster. It never changed.I would not have made it through without my wonderful husband that GOD sent me!!! Bless you, people who have not lived through mental illness don’t know the struggles. May God continue to bless your marriage
Carla and Northern Lights!
Me too. My Mother also struggles with mental illness. Needless to say, my parent’s marriage is rocky. Being the 51 year old child of a mentally ill parent, I have my own battle scars.
Through God’s grace I was blessed with a precious man. Counseling, God’s Word and lot’s and lot’s of prayers have helped me sustain a healthy marriage for 27 years. It is worth the fight!!
Thank you ladies… I rarely share with people in person because I’ve had a lifetime of being judged by the yardstick of my “crazy mother.” She lives in a small town where the stigma has been as bad as the illness itself.
She was intoxicated (trying to drown her anxiety/depression), depressed, anxious, angry, paranoid and chronically suicidal starting when I was 12. It was incomprehensible because she was actually quite normal and a very good mom before then. That’s part of why it bothers me so much to see what my friends are going through, because I know how it hurts the kids when their parents’ lives go askew.
I console myself by knowing that God was not merely content to just get us through by the skin of our teeth, He has lavishly and extravagantly answered my prayer that we would THRIVE and go on to glorify Him no matter what was happening around us. I pray the same for the kids in the midst of these awful situations around me. That God would draw them closer through the situation, not just despite it.
Please pray for me and my mom – I am her legal guardian. After 30 years of mental illness, she now has dementia. Blessedly, the depression and anxiety are completely gone and she is peaceful, but barely knows me at times.
Northern Lights,
The shame is the hard part, I posted without my picture and ingognito so no one could identify me. I will most assuredly pray for you. God’s grace is so abundant and God is so merciful that I know our loved ones will be fully restored in heaven.
How blessed your mother is to have you as a daughter.
I will pray for you. I thought my struggle was over last week when my Mother passed. Her illness terrorized my family to the point we were separated for many years. She refused help. I did reconnect this year but there was no change. I hope your mother gets the help she needs. I will pray for you and your family. It is comforting to know there are others. No one understands and it is a very lonely place to be sometimes. I take comfort in knowing my Mother knew Jesus and is happy again. In time we will be too.
Hi Beth,
God’s timing is just always so perfect…..I have been marreid for 35 years, and while not having the devastation of infidelity, you are so right about the UPs and DOWNs of marriage and that hardness of heart……. I love having words to hang on to, and “fortitude-forgiveness-favor” are great. Thank you for caring so much, you make me smile as I listen to the love and concern that flows as you were talking, and I will check out the resources.
Love you and blessing to your sweet family,
karen:)
I’m going to post this anonymously. My husband was engaged in infidelity about 8 years ago. On the healing side of it (once it came out – and once I had taken the very hard steps to address the emotional and physical abuse that was in our marriage) – I remember feeling like I had this gargantuan size amount of pure, raw emotion – it was more than tears, it was — I don’t even know the words to describe it. I was trying to bring everything I had to the forefront to work through the abuse and the infidelity. Jesus was such my constant Friend during that season (as He always is – but there was something so poignant and tender about His presence. It makes me cry, the memory of it).
Anyway, one night, in bed, couldn’t sleep, so grateful we were on the road to health – it was hard going — he was having to learn to not rage and to communicate appropriately and I was having to learn to find my voice again and speak up – not just shut down and slip into survival mode. I lay in bed with my mountain size pile of emotions – not knowing what I was supposed to do with them. Forgive? Yes, I was working through that. Forget? I didn’t know how to – and didn’t know it that’s what God was asking me to do.
It was exhausting and confusing (kind of like this post!) – but (and here is the good, sweet part), while laying in bed on that particular night, hot tears running silently down my cheeks, I “saw” (the only way I can describe it) myself with the Lord sitting on a mountainside. The sun was either coming up (like day was starting) or was about to set – I really couldn’t tell. I sat there with the Lord and waited for Him to speak. I waited. And waited.
And then I realized He wasn’t going to speak. He was going to be with me (truly: God with us/me). His presence would be enough to get me through the bloviating mess of my emotions and the hurt and the new, rather fragile hope. He would be enough. Him just being with me.
That was seven years ago. My husband doesn’t abuse me anymore. He doesn’t hit me. He doesn’t strangle me. And I found my voice. It was hard and scary at first. But it came back to me. And even though I had no idea what lay in store for my marriage when I walked down an aisle almost 17 years ago – with lilies galore and candles and family and friends – even though I didn’t know the heartache that would mark my first nine and a half years of marriage, I need to say this to any other sister out there who may be struggling through infidelity and/or abuse: Lean on Jesus. Totally. And surround yourself with godly people who will fight on their knees for your marriage with you.
My story is a lot longer than this post allows – but I just want to say that during all those very long and very lonely years where I felt ravaged by the enemy – and felt that so much had been stolen – God drew so very, very, very near to me. He is my dearest, closest, most treasured Friend. He comforted me and guided me and held me and even would make me laugh at the funniest things. He was my everything when it felt like I was going to lose everything. Do not despair. One of my life verses is Psalm 118:17: “I will not die but live, and will proclaim what the Lord has done.”
Thanks for letting me proclaim it here.
Dear Beth & Siestas, I can’t wait to followup on these resources, thanks for the encouragement and prayers, I pray God will give us the strength, wisdom, discernment, & courage to find our way closer to Him with every step. God Bless Us, Every One!!! I am in the Womens Word Share at Church, on your very practicle and relavant study Living Beyond Yourself-The fruit of the spirit, I am combining this with the same study available on line via Lifeway for 23.95, which is such a help!!! for anyone that needs encouragement, the on line version is great!!! Our God is Able!!! Love Hugs & Prayers, Courtney Bethany
My husband and I are nearing our 29th wedding anniversary.
I wish in this little comment box I could give my testimony. But, my husband and I have been there, and I will state emphatically that God can resurrect a dead and decaying marriage. And on the other side there is such blessings! Such sweet beautiful blessings!
Six years ao, my marriage was destroyed by my husbands infidelity and his decision to leave our marriage to marry her. God has brought me through many challenges and blessed me greatly since that time. However the betrayal never leaves you. There are times that I desire the companionship of a mate, yet the fears of being betrayed again are often overwhelming. (I still don’t celebrate my birthday for the fear the it wil be “forgotten”, as he often did). I suppose I say all this to just let others know that the pain of betrayal can stay with you and affect your entire life. The blessing in this situation is that God has grown me spiritually to a place that I might never have found without this experience.
Dear Karen,
My story is something similar to yours and I can relate so much to what you wrote. I just wanted to thank you for sharing…
In His love,
michelle
What a blessing this is! I have a couple friends that are currently going through situations with infidelity and it’s killing them, their relationship with God, and their family. I’m going to share on facebook so hopefully they can get some help they need and come back to God! I also want to say that I’m so sorry to those that have experienced this. I have only been married for 1 1/2 years and we’ve been through a lot, but thankfully nothing that has come in between us. We actively pray against infidelity and even looking at other people that we would not have the “want to” in order to preserve our marriage in this world today. Praise God for all the redeemed!
Thank you for this message Beth…my marriage is currently in a crisis and I have been asking God for a sign that He wants me to keep fighting and needless to say I’m pretty sure I just got it! Beth you have no idea how God has used you to change my life and I thank God every day for you and pray for your family. I look forward to sharing our restored marriage testimony with you in the future.
I am blown away by the number of women who get caught up in emotional affairs. At first I judged harshly, but then my eyes were opened to the fact that any of us, given the right circumstances, could fall into this temptation. None of us are immune. If you have not faced a temptation or sin that another has, then great thankfulness is in order. But know that the enemy would love to trip us up! We MUST keep our eyes on the only one who can get us through.
Blessings on all who were tempted and repented, and those who were left behind to survive. You are not alone. Only God can heal this wound. I love you!
I am glad you have posted this information for people. This is an issue/hurt that has affected many people, likely more than many of us even know within our own circles. While I have not personally walked this journey I have had friends and acquaintances on it. I read a book several years ago that I’d like to put out there for other people called Marriage Under Cover by Bob and Audrey Meisner. They detail their walk through this struggle and what they learned through very Godly counsel also. It’s good info even for marriages that have not experienced infidelity.
As a child of divorce I appreciate this encouragement so much. I pray that God would strengthen my marriage of 26 years and counting! Thanks Beth!
Wow imagine my surprise when I opened my mail and saw this message. I had an appt with my atty to file for divorce from my husband Nov. 3. This along with much counseling, my pastor and Joyce Meyers new book Living Beyond Your Feelings have been such confirmation that I need to fight for my marriage of 21 years no matter what.
I canceled the appt yesterday.
Thank you again Beth for all your inspiration
I like the subject line Beth. Amen.
This is such an important & life changing topic. We have seen an all out full assault on marriages in our church recently. My husband and I have first hand experience in recovery and healing from infidelity. Not just once, but twice. We have been married almost 30 years. His first affair was only three years into our marriage, the next was just a few years ago. But God is faithful, and is a God of redemption. We both sought godly counsel, joined support groups, read many good books, and attended healing and recovery workshops. God worked a miracle of healing on this broken heart and in our devastated marriage. Is the recovery process done, no, of course not. We realize that we must battle the enemy through prayer, scripture, and total committment to the marriage. We know it would have been easier to walk away than it has been to stay and fight. But God used our willingness to do the harder thing to save our marriage and our family. He was our strength when we were weary and worn out. I never thought my broken heart would heal, but He bound my wounds and touched my heart with healing salve. I praise Him and Him alone for the healing and restoration that He gave.
I just found out yesterday morning that my husband has had an affair with a woman that worked as his secretary at our home office. The affair lasted 8 months, he days after her mother had called me to tell me about it. During those days he convinced me it was not true, but I guess the burden got to big or the lie got too much light.
He gave the burden to me and now Satan is attacking me relentlessly with images and thoughts and a pain in my heart that I can not bear without God.
I pray for your help and anyone else who can ask God to restore me and keep my heart alive. I don’t want a hardheart, but the pain the devil has and is attacking me with seems unbearable.
I have been so blessed with such a wonderful man that it is hard to look around me and not feel more blessed sometimes. I have a dear friend who is going through this betrayal right now and as comforting as people around her can be it is not enough. I am passing this along to her. Thank you for caring so much Beth.
Amen