It’s June, the mother of all wedding months. And, as was mentioned before, it’s also the month we celebrate our anniversary. So I’ve been thinking some thoughts about marriage.
I’ve been hearing a lot of conversations about marriages – marriages on the rocks, marriages failing, marriages unlikely to last. It’s sad. And scary. Will we be one of the couples who makes it? I certainly hope so. We definitely plan to. But what if one of us goes off the deep end and burns the whole thing to the ground? What if we face a challenge so great that we don’t overcome it? I know for a fact that the enemy attacks our marriages and anyone in ministry can count on being on his hit list. We’ve felt the heat before and I’m sure we will feel it again. What if we fall for his lies and tricks? What if we don’t even need his intervention because we are so self-destructive on our own?
What do you do when your friend’s marriage is burning to the ground? Really, what steps do you take? How far do you go to try to help them? This is not currently happening in my circle of relationships, but what if?
If it were Curtis and me, what would our friends do? Would they stand by quietly or would they take us out to the woodshed and beat some sense into us? Seriously, I hope they’d take us to the woodshed. I hope someone would stage an intervention.
Even so – as I’m learning in my adulthood – people do what they want. There’s only so much you can do to help.
I have no idea where I’m going with this. None. But these are the thoughts I’ve been thinking.
About six weeks ago Curtis and I watched Fireproof for the first time. I don’t know why we’d waited so long to see it. Actually, I do. We were feeling rebellious about it. So many people were saying we should see it that it made us not want to. Nice, right? It’s funny because the night before we actually watched it, we had a humongous fight. The fight was about which “movie on demand” we were going to watch on our TV. For real, y’all. How that seemed worthy of such a huge fight, I have no idea. The next night, when we finally watched this movie about a marriage being saved from the flames, it ate our lunch. We both cried. When was the last time we saw a movie that showed romance in a marriage? I don’t even know. If your marriage needs a shot in the arm (and whose doesn’t), do yourself a favor and watch this movie. And get the book, “The Love Dare,” that’s shown in it. You might be feeling a little rebellious like we were. If so, you just need to get over it because your pride is stealing a blessing from you.
Here’s a question for you. If you ladies who are married knew that someone reading this blog was struggling in her marriage, what one thing would you want to say to her?
I’d say something that my mom once told me. Difficulties come in waves. If you can make it through the wave you’re on, you’ll find that it will end. Just because it’s hard right now and just because you don’t feel any affection for your mate at this moment doesn’t mean it will never go back to normal. Or even to better-than-normal. Persevere, pray, and read your Bible. We need God’s living and active Truth to pulverize the stubbornness, the numbness, the indifference, and the lies we’ve bought into. Get counseling. And please don’t say it’s too expensive. Getting a divorce is much more expensive in every way. Plus, a lot of Christian counselors will offer their services on a sliding scale based on your income. Okay, I will stop writing now because I want to hear your two cents.
Also, if you have been in a failed marriage, I pray that this post does not heap discouragement on you. That would be the last thing we’d ever want to do on this blog. Please know that Jesus loves you so much and there is no situation that He cannot redeem for His glory and your good. If He were not capable of redeeming, I would be the most hopeless of all. But here I am telling you that there is hope. He is hope.
Ephesians 5
Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.
But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person—such a man is an idolater—has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God’s wrath comes on those who are disobedient. Therefore do not be partners with them.
For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth)and find out what pleases the Lord. Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. For it is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible, for it is light that makes everything visible. This is why it is said:
“Wake up, O sleeper,
rise from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you.”
Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit. Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
Oh Amanda and dear siestas…
Like so many, marriage has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Taking two people who thought they were from similar backgrounds found out we have so many differences. How he was raised, his churches teachings, (we were both raised in Baptist churches, but oh the difference)even our family dynamics, communication or lack there of. Our pastor makes the statement that he wishes marriage for everyone because nothing can drive you to the foot of the cross or give you the motivation to seek Christ and become like him. I have found that marriage has been my big hurt that I'd like to ignore or forget, but it is the experience that GOD HAS ALLOWED to bring fruit to my life. To love sincerely when your needs are not met… day after day after day. This is not a downer, this is a praise. I feel whole, full, I feel like a miracle has been accomplished in me. During the Bible Study 'The Patriarchs' your mother speaks of those who are either oblivious to your needs, unwilling to meet your needs or are incapable of meeting your needs. How can a paraplegic throw their arms around a child who NEEDS a hug? They are incapable. And God has so gracefully shown me there are oblivious problems and incapability problems in my relationship with my spouse. Is this going to last the rest of my days? Maybe. My God is capable of making all things brand new, and I believe He will. We've been married almost 29 years and most of it has been work, conflict and hurt…BUT GOD. Oh to be fully redeemed. I will not quit. God's blessings are worth the trials that prune us (Major surgery on this girl). There is no worship like personal worship. There is no healing like redemptive healing. There is no love like the love of the Father. Focus on these things, believe God, He has written the script for your life, even the bumps in the road are allowed by Him. Let them accomplish their purpose and you will come forth shining like the heavenly noon day Son!!! Hang in there girls. I am praying for you.
Well, in my mighty 4 months of marriage (grin), here's what I've got: Love that man of yours as if he already is everything you see God calling Him to be, and everything you 'need' him to be. When I'm in an abiding relationship with Christ, being filled by His love that is shed abroad in our hearts, my love for my husband is an overflow of that love Christ has poured forth in me. Thus, I can still strive to 'love him well' even in the moment where I don't feel it or want to! Lastly, pray according to His will.
Since my length of marriage is what it is, I suppose that accounts for more like 0.0005 cents than 0.02 cents!
I would want to say that at some point EVERYONE who is real struggles in their marriage, and because of that, you shouldn't be afraid to talk about it, and ask a sister (or siesta) for advice, help or prayer. Having someone you can talk to about these things can make the situation more bearable.
I heard somewhere the number one thing guys want in a marriage is to be respected, and the number one thing girls want is to be cherished. I know when we struggle if I start showing him how much I respect him and all that he does, it goes along way to get things back to normal, and after I've lived that out for a little bit, he's much more receptive to hearing me express to him I need to be cherished more.
My heart breaks for those who have a spouse that has chose not to continue to love them. I have no idea what kind of advice you give to those in that circumstance, other than allowing Jesus to comfort you and heal you through that betrayal.
Everyday I CHOOSE to wake up and love my husband. Everyday I CHOOSE to work through whatever comes our way. Being married is a commitment. It is a CHOICE to say I am committed to this man no matter what comes our way. Essentially that is what you said on your wedding day when you said for better or for worse, it's just we never realized that worse could be this bad sometimes! CHOOSE to stay with it and God will bless your marriage for the better:)
I actually have a friend going through things right now in her marriage. I tell her to hold on! God loves her and her husband. HE will prevail, if she will just trust and faith! Marriage is not easy, it is one of the hardest things you can go through. But our God, is a saving God!HE will carry you through.
My anniversary is in July, when it will be our 28th. We have made it this far by the grace of God and our committment to "stay in the boat together with Him." We've gone through seasons, gone through individual and couple's counseling, have had times our marriage has seemed nothing short of heaven on earth, and yes, times when it has seemed to be the opposite. It has required ongoing tending, like a garden. A book that has been invaluable to me has been "Boundaries in Marriage" (Henry Cloud-John Townsend). It has provided clarity in understanding what's "my" stuff, what's "his" stuff and what's "our" stuff. It has spoke truth to my heart so many times and has helped me to be emotionally honest, and have those "hard conversations". I have had to learn and re-learn that only Jesus is my Perfect Bridegroom, with enough love to satisfy this thirsty heart of mine. But that with renewing my committment to love my husband faithfully, on-goingly, and to "speak the truth in love" to him, to sacrifice for him, and to keep myself drawing deeply from God's fountain of love and life, our marriage can continue to grow and reflect Him.
Happy Anniversary, Amanda and Curtis! Thanks for being so honest and willing to open up this subject which is such a vital target for the schemes and arrows of the evil one. May Jesus have the victory in our marriages!!
As someone who has been with my husband since we were siexteen and married since age 20 we went through a time three years ago where the papers were ready to file with the courts. Finally God intervened and stopped both of us from continuing our stubborn, childish ways. I read two books over a three day weekend that changed my life. They were "Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome" and " The Walkout Woman." I also found that everything I listened too from Beth's teachings as well as others I continually was reminded we don't act based on our emotions (that was a new concept for me back then). We also sought counseling with our minister. God got his point across. We still have our moments but we are happier now than we have ever been. We just celebrated our 17th wedding anniversary and are looking forward to many more.
If you are having problems, seek your Christian friends, those that will tell you the truth in love (even though you may not like what they say, you need to hear it). Seek counseling, look to your childhood and your life to see what you learned about marriage. Think of your own behavior, try looking at yourself as if you were on the outside looking in, more than likely you won't like what you see. Read any good christian book on relationships and marriage, eventually, God will get your attention if you will let him. Finally, pray every day for God to show you where you are wrong…and most importantly pray for him to give you a love for your husband like you have never had before.
What a blessing for this post to come on my 14th wedding anniversary! Thank you for the words of encouragement. We all need to hear them from time to time…
Amanda,
I love your mother’s wave description. My marriage has been an unbelievable rollercoaster -with the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I am 42. I married my husband at age 18. I’ll never forget on my 38th birthday when he came in from a check-up at the doctor’s office and told me the doctor doubled the milligrams of Lipitor he had already been taking for a year. He has battled high cholesterol since age 26 and has a terrible family history of heart disease. And when he told me that even after the diet and medication he had been taking for a year, the cholesterol still went up I began crying my eyes out. We had just lost a dear uncle of his very suddenly to a heart attack a few weeks before. I remember being overcome with fear of losing my husband. I remember saying immediately and silently to the Lord “God, today is my 38th birthday. I married this man when I was 18. You do the math. I have lived with him longer than I ever lived at home with my parents. I could never survive without him.”
Well, I’m sorry to say that what has come since that time has been one difficulty after another for my marriage. I went from “how can I live without him” to “how can I live with him.” He is a functioning alcoholic. And as he gets older, he drinks more and more. Wonderful Christian Counselors have told me this is most always the case without intervention. The more he drinks the more he becomes irrational, bitter, perverted, mean…he is just very hard to live with. I’ll never forget a time when I was just so ready to leave him. I had my mind made up. I had a lawyer picked out. But I went before God to pray for strength through the process. I fell on my knees and nothing would come out other than tears. And I heard the Lord speak so very gently to my soul “wait. Hold on.”
Even though the last thing I wanted to do was to hold on and stay in the fix I was in, I agreed with Him. I gave up on divorce. And I had the most unbelievable sense of peace wash over me. This was the first time I had ever personally felt that “peace that surpasses all understanding” that Paul describes.
I discovered your mom’s Bible studies about 4 years ago. And I can’t tell you how staying in Word has helped me in my marriage situation. I am so absolutely addicted to God’s Word now that the other day when talking to At&t, the lady asked me for an answer to a security question which was “What is your favorite hobby?” to which I said “Bible study.” HALELLUJAH!
My husband is still an alcoholic. I guess the worst kind, the kind that doesn’t believe he has a problem. (Please don’t worry, he isn’t physically abusive. I promise.) But, I have grown so much closer to God. My marriage is hanging in there and I can tell you that is a miracle in its self! I know God is going to redeem this man of mine and I can’t wait to see how He takes us up to an even higher high than we have ever seen on this roller coaster ride of marriage.
A wise lady who had just lost her husband to cancer once told me that marriage is full of peaks and valleys. She said her fear was that our generation wasn’t going to witness the highest peaks because we weren’t willing to persevere through the valleys. Girls, God is faithful to change our hearts and restore the marriage of our youth but we have got to endure the hard times without giving up!
Stay in His Word.
Bama Beth
I will never forget, about 12 years ago my marriage was a wreck. We had hurts and disappointments beyond repair.
A friend asked me how things were going, i told her a divorce was being planned and she said,
"girl, stay on bended knees".
Bended knee made a difference.
We will celebrate 25 yrs of marriage soon.
Sabrina
Thank you so much for posting this. I got engaged yesterday (YAY) and I know it's going to be tough and awarding, and my prayer is that we continue to put God first in our relationship. I thank God that He brought me a Godly man.
This really was an encouragement to me today! Thank you 🙂
Kristen
Ohio
Oh, Amanda….
Thank you for this. Just another confirmation on this subject that I have been so struggling with. A sweet friend of mine did stage a mini-intervention and suggested just what you did: Fireproof and the Love Dare.
Isn't it odd how sneaky our God is…He always gives you just what you need right when you need it. My cousin said that she heard a pastor speak recently saying that God is NEVER late, but he's almost always ALMOST late. Faith-building, faith-confirming ALMOST late, I'd say. :O)
Thanks again and have a blessed weekend!
Staci
I tried to take my friends to the woodshed, but only the wife would go. They chose not to let God save their marriage and it hurt so badly! It hurt them, us, others we know, the children, and the list goes on.
My advice for any siesta reading is to remember that the only person you can change is you. You seek the Lord, You keep going to church, you keep reading the Scriptures, you keep honoring and respecting your man, you keep loving him even when he is unlovable. Let God show you how to see your husband the way He sees your husband. Loved and redeemed. God can bring any marriage through ANY fire! He is God Almighty! Just don't give up!
Blessings to you! and Happy Late Anniversary, Amanda & Curtis!
Because of Christ,
Tracey
So interesting you are talking about marriage…this has been a huge for me this past week. Here is the one thing I would share (from my experience just this week!) – be very careful as you come in contact with and/or minister to someone who is having difficulty with their marriage or in the middle of a separation or divorce. I have first hand experienced the damaging effect just being close to the violence of divorce can be. In the future I would be more intentional in my prayers, asking the Lord to protect my mind and my marriage as I come close to the situation. I would still minister to the hurting but I would come armed and protected by His Truth.
Wow Amanda you and your sister really know how to open a can of worms…you get it honest though! 🙂
I'll post anonymously today to protect the innocent and the not so innocent.
My marriage has been a struggle.
(10 years this year)
We are both independent and stubborn. My husband is an alcoholic. We have 2 children. We went through two and a half years of counseling together and individually. I have considered leaving many times. But divorce is a death and something equally as forboding as staying married to an alcoholic. As my counselor would say we could fill a room with people who think you should have left a long time ago and we could fill a room with people who think you should never leave.
I can promise you that God sustains me daily. And that may just be the whole point. And thanks to God, the counseling, and your momma I no longer live in the pit with him, but love him from above it.
My short and sweet advice is (1)being nice to each other goes a long way to sustaining your marriage. Sounds easier than it is! There's a world of difference some days to the way I speak to my husband and the way I speak to my boss. Be nice! (2) Remember our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the evil one!
And to those of you not married yet: pray, pray, pray and listen, listen, listen to God and those around you who love you when selecting your mate.
His Word on your tongue is beautiful, Amanda. Very, very beautiful.
We have actually faced this with dear friends, who are still married. They didn't know the Lord. Chris prayerfully took his dear friend to a play about knowing the Lord. His friend went forward and gave his life to Christ…then, he took his wife and son the next night. They went forward. It is one of the the most beautiful things I have ever seen.
Amazing Love–He changes things!
I would tell anyone I knew having marriage trouble that I was available at anytime to talk or meet with them, no matter night or day so that they never felt alone and like no one cared. And I would check on them alot. And pray for them and with them.
I will be celebrating 27 years of marriage in November. I am proud of that fact. I can say that my husband and I have made a committment in our marriage,to stay married. I want everyone to know that marriage is not a fairytale. It is work! And the seasons of marriage dont last for ever. Make time for yourself as a couple. Don't allow your children to rule your life. Find what it was that you fell in love with in that person,its still there ! You made a comittment before God when you took those vows. Honor God by persevering through the hard times. Pray together. It's a blessing to hear my husband pray for me. Make time for each other,find a common bond and you will find yourself celebrating many anniversaries!
I married my highschool sweetheart at age 21 and our marriage ended in divorce 8 years later. Christ was nowhere near the center of our marriage even though I had accepted Him at age 13. I remarried at age 36 to a man who had also been through divorce and we knew that blending our family would be a difficult challenge. By God's grace, we let a smidge of Him in and little by little he drew us into the Spirit-filled life. The one thing I believe we have done that has WORKED wonders is this: whenever we have an argument, the one who humbles himself/herself first, calls the other to join him/her on their knees (This can be a very difficult step because your pride must be quenched in order to do so) This allows you to get your eyes off your mate and back on God. The "bigger" Christian then prays, "Lord we have sinned against you and we have sinned against each other with our attitudes, words, and hearts. Please forgive us and come in and heal the wounds that have resulted from our fight." Then, face to face, we ask one another for forgiveness (There have been occassions where we had to go back and repeat the process because one or both parties was still holding on to some unforgiveness). But I promise that when done sincerely, healing will appear. I KNOW this because God completely wipes away all the "yucky" feelings to the point where you don't even remember what it felt like to be mad at him!!! It's supernatural. James 4:6-8 sums this entire process up!
Thanks Amanda! Our 21 year old daughter just gave my husband and me a surprise 25th anniversary party. She made the most beautiful scrapbook full of pictures and notes/letters from many family and friends telling us why they loved us. We were so overwhelmed by how much people loved us that on the way home all we could do was hold hands and cry. I know now why we will get new bodies in Heaven. Otherwise, we wouldn't be able to stand up and contain all the love Christ has for us. Honestly, I almost could not stand up last Saturday because of the love of Jesus that I felt through all of the family and friends that were there. I don't want to take up a lot of room on the blog, but for mothers I would say pray from the first day your child is born that God would reveal the one he has for them. Then pray for your child and the soul mate. Before I became engaged I sought God in the decision. To the world it probably looked like I wasn't making the right choice. God was clear to me, and I KNEW. Last Saturday was proof in the pudding. We are excited about the next 25!
Happily married in TN!
AMEN!!!! I love this. You and your family are so awesome. God breathes through you so much. THank you so much for doing what God intended for y'all to do. Thanks to all of you for everything that y'all do for the Kingdom of God.
I love Fireproof. I own it and have shown it to many people myself. I love that movie. They did a great job. It was so truthful and believeable. It was so real. Especially when Caleb gets up in her face screaming at her.
I recently listened to John Piper's sermon on submission. You can download or read it here.
http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/Sermons/ByTopic/45/2088_The_Beautiful_Faith_of_Fearless_Submission/.
I also have loved the book Rocking the Roles by Robert Lewis, and it was one of the best books that I've read on marriage. Marriage is the hardest thing I've ever done, at my young age of 25. And I know for certain that the enemy wants so badly for us to feel that we're alone in this. That's what's so great about posts like this. We're defeating this lie of his.
I never thought of marriage as having waves. I just know there are days that I love him so much that I feel like my heart will pop. BUT then there are days that I would like to put him on the curb with the trash!
But I have a man who will not quit. His Mom was married four times and he bears the scars.
So it has hurt my heart that each of our three married children have been in a position of considering divorce. Most recently our daughter-in-law decided it wasn't working. I just listened to our son's pain and prayed my heart out. They are making it, one day at a time.
Two becoming one is a lot like work. We went to a wedding last Saturday–those 2 youngsters (OK, 24 and 20–just like us some 37 years ago) were beaming. Young love is wonderful, but old love is beyond description.
Thank you for a good "shot in the arm!" Amanda! I needed to hear some of that. I have a wonderful, loving husband and a fabulous, happy marriage with 2 beautiful daughters. But I know that some of the things I keep from my husband (finances, mostly) would (and often does!) crumble our happiness. I need to put myself back on the straight-and-narrow. Thanks for your wise words!
The Journey Continues ~
Amanda,
I just got online to check your "Burning Down the House" comments and believe your words to be well written and thought provoking!!!
I FEEL THE LORD HAS PUT THIS ON MY HEART TO SHARE WITH THE SIESTA'S ~
I get phone calls, etc.. all the time on my marriage!!! "Kim, how do you and Dave have such an amazing marriage?" Kim, Dave spoils you rotten. Kim, Your children have such respect for you and your husband. etc..
This is not a brag comment for the LPM sight. This is a "see the light" MOMENT I hope for others!!
I have had an AMAZING MARRIAGE for going on 27 years!
notes, flowers( daily),
jb gifts = just because, attention, surprise dates,anniversary trips,
terms of endearment,(not the movie but the words)
How?
Dave and I put the OTHER'S NEEDS ABOVE OUR OWN!!!!
We choose to put Christ Jesus first,spouse second,Children come after spouse!!!
MARRIAGES HAVE DIFFICULTY AT THE MOMENT WE GET OUR PRIORITIES OUT OF WACK!!!!!
1. GOD FIRST
2. SPOUSE SECOND
3. CHILDREN THIRD
4. EXTENDED FAMILY
5. FRIENDS
6. WORK
So many women, after having their babies, start putting their children above the needs of their husbands!!!!! STOP NOW!!!!
Because, you will turn around and the children will be gone and this man will be sitting across the room from you and you won't know him!!!! MEN need your ATTENTION AND LOVE, SUPPORT, ETC.
Be a SERVANT TO YOUR HUSBAND NOT A DOOR MAT!!!!
The Bible "MY LIFE MANUAL" has answers for every question you might have regarding marriage!!
Several individuals have shared their hearts,pains and anger about their spouse with us and we have found this to be true ~
THEY GOT THEIR PRIORITIES OUT OF WACK!!!
SIESTA'S
WE ARE HERE FOR EACHOTHER ~
That is what I admire about Beth Moore, Amanda Jones, Melissa Fitzpatrick = they are open and honest about LIFE!
I am here for all ~
Make me a servant humble and meek for others to see that the Life Manual is LIFE in a Marriage!
With "Heaven Bound" blessings,
Kim Safina
facebook
http://www.kimsafinathejourneycontinues.blogspot.com
WE NEED GODLY PASTOR'S AND TEACHER'S who will be bold and look into the face of adultery and say DAMED if you won't lay it down!! Believe me I don't say this lightly…I grieve over the pain that is brought into a person's life because of sin but DIVORCE is so damaging to children and the effects are live long that we must RESIST the enemy's lie's….When we are married before God we enter into a COVENANT that must not be broken!! WE as a "body" need to take a long look at what the Father's of old taught on this matter and then follow their practice…..to God's honor and glory.
I have been married for two and a half decades, and I cannot begin to tell you what a miracle of God that is. I could write a book.
However, in the past five years or so, I have watched many, many friends, and some close family members get divorced. I can't begin to tell you the pain this has caused everybody involved.
It has been my observation that the number one LIE the enemy has used to break up these marriages has been, "Your spouse (he has said this to both men and women) does not appreciate you, is not good enough for you, is not suited for you. It was a mistake to marry them, and you can find someone who is better."
The truth is that while they may find someone who is different from their former spouse, they will NOT find someone better. All human beings are imperfect. The next spouse may have different problems than than the former spouse, but he or she still has problems. Since you are going to have to deal with problems anyway, why not deal with the problems you already have? Love the one you're with!
It is a LIE that someone else is better suited to fulfill all your needs. Most of us are bottomless pits of need and no human being on earth can fill us up. You are going to have to get your fulfillment from JESUS, and let your spouse off the hook for something he or she is not able to do even if they truly want to.
I have been married for a long time. Satan has continuously told me all the things that I have told you. For some reason, God's truth has rung louder in my ear than Satan's lie. It is my sincere prayer that this will be the case far more often in our country. I believe that divorce is far more dangerous to our country than any threat from a foreign enemy.
Amen Amanda!! The words that God gave you are so right on. God wants so much more for us, our spouses, marriages and families and yet so many times we don't take Him up on it. Thanks for the reminder today. You are a blessing!
In His Redeeming Grace,
Sarah Rader
Wow, this was exactly what I needed today. It's so amazing how God works. My husband of 16 years, a Godly man, a man of leadership in the church, a wonderful, intelligent man of character and honesty, admitted four months ago that he'd had a several month long affair with another woman. He came to me and admitted his sin and told me that he wanted to stay married.
I was ready to give up this morning. This is hard work. I love him tremendously, and I still believe he's a good man, but this is work! I am tired, and I am beaten down. When I opened this post today, it was as if God himself was speaking to me.
Always remember that the enemy wants the destruction of your marriage, especially if it is a marraige of two Godly people. He would love nothing better than to ruin that. Always be prepared and remember that we fight not against the things of this world alone, but against the very forces of hell itself.
I have seen evidence of God's work in my life like no other time before. I know that he will create something beautiful from this, but it is soooo hard.
I recommend Streams in the Desert, a devotion book. I picked it up before I knew what was about to happen in my life, and it seems like every day God is delivering me a little message to keep going, keep enduring, I'm with you, this will be for My glory. It has been the most amazing book.
Penny
Amanda,
You are inspired by the one true GOD! I know from experience the only thing that works is for your godly friends to speak truth to you, even if it hurts your feelings!
Even if you don't "hear" it when it is said, it will permeate your thoughts and GOD will win.
Thanks for sharing and inspiring other Christian women in their married lives.
Brandi
at one of my bridal showers, the hostess had every guest write advice on a note card to give to my husband and me. the best advice i got was from my husband's mom, who also got it from her husband's mom at one of her bridal showers many years ago. it's this: "remember that you are on the same team."
i like that she started the advice with "remember." this always makes me go back to the beginning and remember our first love – why we loved and valued each other to begin with and Who our awesome God is that brought us together. when i stop to remember these things, regardless of what is happening, i realize that there is more to my husband that is good than the bad i'm seeing in the moment.
if you think about my mother-in-law's advice in terms of sports, it makes a lot of sense. a team has a purpose together and can only accomplish that purpose by coming alongside each other, contributing what the others need, communicating, and encouraging. not many teams function at their best if they are belittling one another and tearing each other down.
when i'm having a hard time with my husband, i remember that God placed my husband and me together for a purpose, and then (usually with prayers like "God, help me because i don't feel like doing this!") i look for a way to build up the team. our true fight in the long run is against those coming against our team, not against each other, even if we have hang ups in our own lives. my team cannot win if i insist on being the lesser person by disrespecting my husband, belittling him in front of others, or demanding that i'm right. but if i allow God to work in my life and change me to build our team, then our team has a good chance of beating the odds. plus, if we're wholeheartedly following the Lord, then we're on HIS team, and He WILL pull us through!
You keep saying "What IF, What IF, What IF" and I keep hearing your mom's voice saying "I FEAR, I FEAR, I FEAR"!!!!! Don't let the enemy win by playing into his "What IF" games!! "Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer." Psalm 19:14
Jennifer Hopkins
Augusta, Kansas
Thank you for sharing your heart Amanda! I love everything you said!
We have been married for 20 years and the BEST piece of advice that was given to us was on a marriage retreat… the couple had been running a marriage retreat center for over 20 years and they said hands down when couples can take the time to read scripture and pray together daily (well shoot for daily) that something supernatural takes place… they said that 98.9% of the time when a couple calls after the retreat with troubles, the first thing they always ask the couple is if they had been having quiet times together? When they said well… this has come up and this… he would tell them go back to reading and praying together and call him back in 3 weeks and they said inevitable the problem was solved!
**Now here is some encouragement girls… my husband was NOT the typical sit down and read scripture and pray with your wife kind of guy… of course I eat that kind of stuff up… so slowly and VERY awkwardly we gave God what little we had… we felt silly, shy, embarrassed… but we humbly gave it a try and I have to say (my husband would too) that 3 years later God has blossomed that time into the most amazing, beautiful, powerful thing! We both marvel at the huge blessing it has become in our lives!**
Waves will definitely come and go but something transcendent happens when you offer it all to Him in prayer! (I know y'all know that but I'm just still blown away by it!)
Anyway sorry so long! I don't know how to condense! : )
Do you know of a resource to connect with Christian counselors in Texas that will accept a sliding fee scale?
If I knew that someone reading this blog was struggling in her marriage, what one thing would I want to say to her? Here it is: When challenges and struggles come into your marriage, go deeper into God's word. Draw as close to God as you can and hang on. Don't give up and don't give in! In those times when I've experienced struggles in my marriage, it helped me to put things in perspective; reminding myself of my commitments that God is first, my husband is second, my family third, and everything else comes last. I also usually found that I was not walking with the Lord as closely as I ought to be and that I needed desperately to be in His word and listen to what He was trying to tell me. I failed in my first marriage, but with God's grace, mercy, and love, I will not fail in this one. To God be all the glory, now and forever.
I am an adult child of divorce. Reading all of this makes my heart break again. I TOTALLY agree with the person who said divorce is a suicide of the family. My mom filed for divorce when I was 17. My mom verbally beat down my dad, in front of us, time after time. She idolized my sister and me. My dad, didn't seem to pursue her, and never stood up to her verbal beatings. I believe they both played a part in the divorce. They were/are both Christians, and are as different as night and day, but I will ALWAYS believe in my heart, that, had they both given their sin and lives to the Lord, I mean REALLY opened themselves up to his will, they would have succeeded in regaining a godly marriage. Can you IMAGINE the GLORY the Lord would have received in that restoration, had they turned their marriage over to God?! It blows to my mind to think that God could have restored them to LOVE each other, and how that would have impacted my marriage (of 4 1/2 years) and generations! My parents do not get to spend near as much time with my two kids as they would have still married. It changes EVERYTHING, even relationships with grandkids. Not to mention how their divorce and unhealthy marriage has affected my marriage to my husband. And because they didn't follow His will, such an awesome opportunity is wasted.
I will say that they have both remarried, and seem to love Christ more than before. I am now closer to both of them and their spouses than before. Also, their divorce spurs my husband and me to fight that much harder for our marriage. Proof that the Lord does use evil for good! So thankful for that!
I want to say it one more time: Can you imagine the GLORY Christ would receive if you allowed Him to restore even the most hurt-filled marriage?
What a great post! I would hope that my friends would take me out and give me a talking to if my husband and I ever ended up in a rough situation. We have had to talk to people about their situations before. While it can be difficult to say the words you are called to say, siestas, please don't shy away from saying them. Marriage is awesome, but it is far from easy. Let's encourage one another!
Thank you Amanda for allowing God to use you in such a powerful and maybe painful way by sharing your heart. My hubby and I will be celebrating our 23rd anniversary in July (looks like several bloggers have july anniversarys too) and while we are still crazy about each other sometimes we just plain make each other crazy! Our preacher told us years ago that the more we love Christ, the more we will love each other and I have found this to be true. But the main thing I want to say is that I am committing to pray for the marriages of all who have shared on this topic. Mine included. "Greater is He who is in us than he who is in the world"
Happy Anniversary! Thanks for the post, even after 37 years of marriage, June 17, we continue to seek scripture and prayer for our marriage. We are committed to our marriage and divorce was/is never an option. God has been faithful and continues to be the bond that ties us together. Our desire is for our marriage to be pleasing to God, each of us, our family and friends.
Sue
My husband and I have been married for twenty years last March. Five years ago, he left home, (me and the kids) and found himself in an affair with a twenty year old drug addict. It was all over his identity (Who He is in Christ), and the bondage of insecurity and fear. I am not saying anything he would not tell you himself, so I am not defaming him. He has hated himself for this and God in His miraculous mercy has "transformed him by the renewing of his mind". He and I have both realized that probably 90% of the battle is over our minds, and whether we will have a mind of Christ, power and love, or a Spirit of Fear, etc. "I sought the LORD and He heard me, and delivered me from all my fear!". We believe something, and then we act, so where it starts is in our belief system. I would encourage all married people to bring your mind to Christ. Bring all the fear, insecurity, etc. that you battle with every day personally and lay it on the altar. Be willing to sacrifice yourself DAILY to living and breathing Christ, and Christ alone. Put on the mind of Christ. Put on all the armor. Do battle for yourself and your man. Claim God's promises as your own!
Act on those promises! God is greater than ANYTHING! He can heal anything, because He is healing us. I believed and stood with the help of the LORD and the LORD started healing us. This didn't happen overnight, but over 5 years ( yep, all five ) but God is Good and He keeps His word. Empty yourself of yourself and then expect God to step in. Even in Fireproof, which we have seen recently (my husband cried), the man empties himself of everything, and only then, with the love of Christ on him, he can offer something. I love you all so much, and I ache for the body of Christ. Here's hoping a little of my story God will use to His Glory.
Lisa in Kirkland, WA
Oh how aptly timed this post is. I was just out last night with a friend who revealed to me that her marriage is not headed down a good road.
They are not avid church-goers, but do have a Christian foundation.
I was wondering how to approach them (in my singleness) to encourage them to fight through this time. I think I'm going to order them the Fireproof bundle from Amazon (DVD, book and couple's workbook). I'm going to pray about it first though. And I'm talking through it with our mutual friend (who introduced me to them and is now married as well).
But thank you for this post today. To say it's exactly what I needed to read is an understatement.
God bless!
This is such a thought provoking blog topic. We will have been married 30 years next week. We were blessed living near my husband's parents most of our married life. They were married 62 years. Aside from putting your focus on God, my prayer for anyone in a struggling marriage that they too may be blessed with a christian couple that will mentor them. I know it was a wonderful blessing for us to have such a good Christian couple living near to help us when we had stumbling moments. I have to brag a little, it helps to have a wonderful man too!30 years and still going strong(most of the time)
Anon 8:33,
I don't know if you will see this or not. I hope you do. When you talked about wishing you had married your "best friend," I thought of the ladies out there who did marry their best friend who wonder if they should have married someone with whom they had more passion. No matter who you you married or what kind of man he is, there's a "grass is greener" lie for you. The truth is, the very best man for you is the one you're with!
Also, I want you to know that I started the Love Dare back in January and didn't get past day 2, so I stopped. I just picked it up again yesterday and started Day 2, failed, and now have gone back to Day 1 as of this morning. Don't tell Curtis though. 🙂
For anyone interested, Focus on the Family has a Christian Counselor Referral Database.
If you're looking for someone who will adjust their rates based on your income, just ask whoever you end up calling if they offer it. Also, I think in some cases it can be covered by insurance.
Sorry this is long, but I have a passion for this topic.
Beth has taught me all I know about healing a marriage and giving it all to GOD. She and Keith have given me hope and it has turned me and my marriage completely around. PRAISE YOU LORD!!
Seek Godly counsel for yourself. You changing and getting your thoughts aligned with God makes all the difference.
1. Jesus can be the only one that can complete you and give you joy
2. Pray for God to help you love him even though you don't want to. Ask Him to change your want to.
3. Pray for God's armor for you
and your husband before you leave the house. Eph 6 (actually put the helmet on! and the sword in your hand.)
4. Scripture: Psalm 34:18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
5. Pray on your knees for your marriage at night.
6. Pray on your face, amidst a fight go in the bathroom and lock the door and ask Him to redeem you.
7. Pour out to Him everything you are feeling because HE IS the ONLY ONE that can take it.
Sorry this is anonymous…
Amanda,
You are so right. About a year ago, our local paper published a story about wives leaving their husbands because they were bored. After nearly 17 years there are good times and not so good times and you have to work at it.
Sometimes I become complacent and then someone or something reminds me of just how wonderful he is.
I pray for him regularly and share with him my love for the Lord.
Yes, I will go out and buy us the Fireproof DVD. Thanks for the reminder.
Blessings to all my siestas,
Mary Ann, Woodbury, MN
After 27 years of marriage, I can say that it's never easy! But hanging in there is worth it. God can change your heart when you think it's all over and done with. Don't live by your feelings–remember that love is a decision! He can re-ignite those initial fires, if you'll let Him. Don't ever quit praying for your partner and your marriage!
We're 26 years into this journey. Some of the travels have been beautiful, peaceful, lovely. Some of the travels have been ugly, mean, nasty.
I'm not sure how biblical this is, but in the last few years I have been practicing something I learned from that highly spiritual movie "Bambi". When I really would like to let my husband have it and say something mean (which is my tendancy) I just keep telling my self to "just be Thumper".
"If you can't say somethin' nice, don't say nothin' at all".
By the time I've settled down, I can usually discuss what is on my heart or mind without wounding him or our marriage.
Feelings follow actions…not the other way around.
Melana in Wyoming
Yes…I have been to the woodshed…and I've lived through it…and I am now MADLY in love with the man who 3 years ago would've preferred being blown up by terrorists over staying married to me. How did the trouble start…like so many, a simple disobedience to what was shared in the last verse of that Scripture you typed out (Eph. 5): he didn't love me "like Christ loved the Church…" (unconditionally), and therefore, I didn't respect him….and therefore, he loved me less, and therefore, I respected him less….Emerson Eggerichs calls this in his book "Love and Respect," — THE CRAZY CYCLE! It started with us getting on that cycle and spinning round and round and round on it for so long that we got too dizzy to clearly see God's Truth about ourselves, about our relationships (individually) with Him, or about our relationship with each other.
It then progressed into 2 affairs on his part, total desperation (that by God's grace, drove me to HIM like this "always grew up as Sunday School teacher's pet w/o a care in the world–Hallelujah, Praise Ye the Lord!" girl had NEVER been driven to seek Him before!)
It took…me taking a long, hard look @ how I was being disrespectful, despite his obvious "lack of love" through the affairs…me repenting (at that point, he had no interest)…and a few good friends being used by God to take us to the woodshed, and then to love us enough to stick it out with us–asking hard questions, taking extra time, speaking "hard" Truth…until our marriage had been completely restored, re-modeled, made-over!
Ps. 118:23 was our wedding verse: "This is the Lord's doing; it is marvelous in our eyes." (8 years ago on our wedding day, we were referring to the marvelous fact that God had brought us together.
Sometime in the course of all this restoration, God brought us back to that passage and had us read the verse before it to find out what IS Truly marvelous: (Ps. 118:22-23)…"The Stone that the builders rejected has now become the Chief Cornerstone. THIS is the Lord's doing! It IS MARVELOUS in our eyes!"
And yes, He gets all the glory!
Satan IS a liar…and your mom is so right…abibing in Christ, the Living Word of God, is the only way to combat those lies with Truth. Having come out on the other side (and Lord, by Your Grace–may we stay on "this side,"), yes! I would talk and walk and pray with anyone having marriage struggles…because I KNOW there IS victory in Jesus!
I am the friend right now wondering what to do. I'm the friend wondering if I should stand by the friend while she struggles and wars, or if I should tell her to bail. Get out. You deserve to be treated better.
Abuse. Emotional. Mental. Physical (so far only once, but how long do you wait to find out if he'll do it again?).
It's one of the hardest places I've ever been. They tried counseling. Now he doesn't want to go – at all. She promises to get out to safety if it gets physical again, but who says she'll be able to get out. It worries me. It scares me. It drives me to knees to beg and cry out to God for my sister in Christ.
I want to take him to the woodshed. But I don't think he would hear me out.