It’s June, the mother of all wedding months. And, as was mentioned before, it’s also the month we celebrate our anniversary. So I’ve been thinking some thoughts about marriage.
I’ve been hearing a lot of conversations about marriages – marriages on the rocks, marriages failing, marriages unlikely to last. It’s sad. And scary. Will we be one of the couples who makes it? I certainly hope so. We definitely plan to. But what if one of us goes off the deep end and burns the whole thing to the ground? What if we face a challenge so great that we don’t overcome it? I know for a fact that the enemy attacks our marriages and anyone in ministry can count on being on his hit list. We’ve felt the heat before and I’m sure we will feel it again. What if we fall for his lies and tricks? What if we don’t even need his intervention because we are so self-destructive on our own?
What do you do when your friend’s marriage is burning to the ground? Really, what steps do you take? How far do you go to try to help them? This is not currently happening in my circle of relationships, but what if?
If it were Curtis and me, what would our friends do? Would they stand by quietly or would they take us out to the woodshed and beat some sense into us? Seriously, I hope they’d take us to the woodshed. I hope someone would stage an intervention.
Even so – as I’m learning in my adulthood – people do what they want. There’s only so much you can do to help.
I have no idea where I’m going with this. None. But these are the thoughts I’ve been thinking.
About six weeks ago Curtis and I watched Fireproof for the first time. I don’t know why we’d waited so long to see it. Actually, I do. We were feeling rebellious about it. So many people were saying we should see it that it made us not want to. Nice, right? It’s funny because the night before we actually watched it, we had a humongous fight. The fight was about which “movie on demand” we were going to watch on our TV. For real, y’all. How that seemed worthy of such a huge fight, I have no idea. The next night, when we finally watched this movie about a marriage being saved from the flames, it ate our lunch. We both cried. When was the last time we saw a movie that showed romance in a marriage? I don’t even know. If your marriage needs a shot in the arm (and whose doesn’t), do yourself a favor and watch this movie. And get the book, “The Love Dare,” that’s shown in it. You might be feeling a little rebellious like we were. If so, you just need to get over it because your pride is stealing a blessing from you.
Here’s a question for you. If you ladies who are married knew that someone reading this blog was struggling in her marriage, what one thing would you want to say to her?
I’d say something that my mom once told me. Difficulties come in waves. If you can make it through the wave you’re on, you’ll find that it will end. Just because it’s hard right now and just because you don’t feel any affection for your mate at this moment doesn’t mean it will never go back to normal. Or even to better-than-normal. Persevere, pray, and read your Bible. We need God’s living and active Truth to pulverize the stubbornness, the numbness, the indifference, and the lies we’ve bought into. Get counseling. And please don’t say it’s too expensive. Getting a divorce is much more expensive in every way. Plus, a lot of Christian counselors will offer their services on a sliding scale based on your income. Okay, I will stop writing now because I want to hear your two cents.
Also, if you have been in a failed marriage, I pray that this post does not heap discouragement on you. That would be the last thing we’d ever want to do on this blog. Please know that Jesus loves you so much and there is no situation that He cannot redeem for His glory and your good. If He were not capable of redeeming, I would be the most hopeless of all. But here I am telling you that there is hope. He is hope.
Ephesians 5
Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.
But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person—such a man is an idolater—has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God’s wrath comes on those who are disobedient. Therefore do not be partners with them.
For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth)and find out what pleases the Lord. Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. For it is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible, for it is light that makes everything visible. This is why it is said:
“Wake up, O sleeper,
rise from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you.”
Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit. Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
Great post and very relevant in todays world. I have been married for 23 years to my best friend in the whole wide world. When we married we were not Christians but through Gods grace I became a believer and Jim followed soon after. I can't even imagine being successful in marriage without the Lord. For us the biggest thing God has taught us in our marriage (we're in our late 40's) is forgiveness. Without understanding the principle of forgiveness I think most marriages wither and die because no one wants to be the first to say I'm sorry, I screwed up please forgive me. We have been blessed in ways unimaginable and I know it's because as imperfect as we are we try to do things God's way and when we fail we humble ourselves and say sorry (sometimes it takes a day or two to reach this point but we eventually do). So many of our friends marriages ended when we reached 40 – there is some truth to this mid life crisis nonsense. Who knows where we would have ended but because we have the Lord in our life we have a different perspective on marriage and how it works. You can't trade up and think someone newer, younger and sexier is going to fill that void inside you, that's for God to fill. In today's world we need all the help we can get from the Lord to keep us on the right track. Our friends whose marriages crumbled really had to faith at all, no moral compass to direct them and Jim and I have watched many families be ripped apart. Marriage really is a 3 way relationship.
Well said, Amanda.
(And I totally get the rebellious thing. You're singing my song. It's why I've not read The Shack, seen The Passion movie, or this one. And thanks for the woodshed words of pride stealing a blessing–I needed that!)
Have to say, I know so many people whose marriages are on the rocks. Get a new email almost every day, it seems.
And having been one of those people who planned to divorce, but never did (why? who knows? totally a God thing!), I will say that the greatest thing you can do is speak the truth and pray.
If we really understood the power of prayer, I think we'd all pray a lot more!
Much love,
Joanne
P.S. Makes me think too of Living Beyond Yourself–with the power of the Holy Spirit we can feel things we couldn't!
Amanda:
I am not married but I have had the worst luck with marriage. A lot fo my own doing and alot on His too! But, I wish the movie fireproof would have been out there when I was going through it.
I watched that movie last week and cried all the way through. I lived that life addictions, attractions etc. screaming, yelling as so on. But if I would have given it to God and did the love dare, who knows maybe things would have been different. I loved the movie and I will get the book and the movie and hope that if God will bless me with a Godly man in my life, we will have the tools we need to make it work. Starting with giving it to Him first.
Thanks for your post and letting me share. May God bless all those who are married!
Lichelle
One thought that satan keeps putting in my mind is "did I marry the right one?"
I know my place now is to stay married to him (it's been 21 yrs) but whenever we fight or it seems like we just don't have fun together like other couples, I think 'why couldn't I have married my 'best friend'. I want to have a good marriage, not just a 'put up with each other marriage'
When we married, we definitely didn't go about it in the right way. So sometimes the regret is so big, I wish I could start over.
But then there are times I don't know what I'd do without him. I know I love him but I want to laugh and communicate and enjoy each other like other couples.
I also got the love dare book and tried it one day and something happened that night and I failed to not say anything negative, so I haven't picked it up again yet.
Love the comments of all the siestas. I cried.
Maybe my comment is not what you're asking, Amanda, but it brought to mind the question about marrying God's best. What if there was someone better for me?
Thanks for your post.
Needed it
I still a bit of a newlywed and have been blessed with a great marriage so far.
However, my parents had a terrible marriage which produced two very messed up children. There was emotional abuse, pornography, cheating, lying, ect. My mom is a Christian but was an enabler for my dad and does not believe in divorce at all.
In recent years my dad has started living for Jesus and calling him Savior. PRAISE YOU, LORD!!! He is now the most amazing husband and I finally have a Daddy. A real, flesh and blood Daddy. Our family has never been happier.
My grandmother (his mother) never gave up on praying for him. I can't even imagine the joy she experienced the day he walked into church with mom- and now to see him become the man God intends him to be.
I hope that is encouraging to anyone in an abusive situation.
Blessings!
Thank you so much for this subject. Again in my heart I pray that a study from maybe Beth and you girls would blossom regarding marriage. It seems that this is the number one concern on women’s hearts whether they are single or married. And rightly so.. it is born into us as soon as we see the relationship of our parents. We want to have the complete love.. that is why the relationship between a father and daughter is so important. When I found out that I was pregnant I felt so alone and distant from my husband. I realized that I was depending on him to meet my every emotional need. I needed to learn that God is the only one who can provide me with EVERY need. Reading The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian really helped me to think less of myself and more of God’s desire for my husband, leading me to understand why he was acting the way he was and bringing me to my knees asking for God to use me to better my husband. Now with a 7 month old daughter, I hope that my husband and I can be a good example of what a true marriage reflects. Or at least I can teach her the ways of a godly wife.
Anyway, thanks for your honesty and insight into your struggles and experiences as a young wife and mother. Congratulations on your Anniversary and may God grant you many more years of blessings and praise as a wife and mother. I am sure he will!
Christina from Pittsburgh, PA
I would say, "Hang in there. Don't allow giving up to be an option. You CAN get through this. Will it be easy? Heck no! But is it possible? All things are, with God. And is it worth it? A million times YES!"
My husband and I barely made it through our third year of marriage…and our fourth year…and part of our 6th, 7th and 8th years. We've had a rough time.
But I am not exaggerating or painting a pretty (but fake) picture when I say that I love that man more than I ever thought possible. And he has become SUCH a better husband…and, let's be honest here…I've become SUCH a better wife.
We're not so far out from the troubled times that they're just a fuzzy memory. We just celebrated our 10th anniversary, and we still have MAJOR trust issues. But we have major love, too.
Fight for it. Or if you don't have the strength to fight anymore, just stay. Stand there. God will hold you up.
As for your question, Amanda, about what Christian friends should do for each other when a marriage is in trouble – wow, that's a hard one! We didn't really have friends who stepped in appropriately or helpfully when we were going through tough times. And honestly, the two couples (two of our best couple friends) we tried to help – both got divorced. This is a hard question, and I don't know what the right answer is.
May I share my testimony with you? I feel like giving the gates of hell a dose of the Lord's "overcoming power" today.
We have experienced EVERY form of assault the enemy could throw at our marriage. Infidelity, financial ruin, problems with teenagers, loss of a home, illness…you name it, we've probably gone through it. At one point (after a devastating season of sin, the likes of which Hollywood couldn't even dream up)it looked like it was over. And it would have certainly been one of those "mercy" divorces…you know, "if there was ever a couple that would be better off divorced, it would be them" kind of thing we only say in private.
For some unexplainable reason we didn't pull that trigger. By 'unexplainable' I mean at that time. Now on the other side it's clear what the reason was.
We hung on. For DEAR LIFE.
It was ugly. It was messy. It was painful beyond words.
BUT IT WAS WORTH IT.
We have been married for 22 years. We are walking miracles, witnesses to the Awesome Redeeming Work of Jesus Christ and His love that "constraineth" (2 Cor. 5:14). He kept us from walking away from each other, He kept us from killing each other, and the greatest miracle (to me) is that now He is USING US. My husband and I have gone into ministry to testify that NO ONE, NO MARRIAGE, NO FAMILY IS BEYOND THE RESCUE OF CHRIST.
I don't know if anyone will read this. But if anyone does, and you are struggling with anything, in marriage or out of marriage, don't give up. DON'T GIVE UP. NOTHING IS BEYOND THE REACH OF JESUS. NOTHING.
"I am the LORD, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?" Jeremiah 32:27
This has been a burden on my heart lately also. Several marriages in our church, marriages of 15, 20 years or more, are now in flames. It is scary! And the scariest part is that most of the time it was kept all hush-hush until the couple is separated and seeing attorneys. I understand how gossip spreads in churches, but those of us who pray don't know to pray if no one says anything! I had a crisis in my own marriage about 8 years ago. I was doing Ann Graham Lots' (sp?) study on Revelation with my ladies bible study group at church and also doing Believing God on-line. I had seriously decided that I was going to call it quits when God spoke to me that I needed to quit praying for my husband to change, and pray for my attitude to change. Shortly after that we were able to go to Hawaii for our 20th anniversary and God miraculously healed our marriage. I can honestly say that our marriage is stronger now than ever before, even though things have not always been easy. We've had our share of stressors. Our pastor-emeritus used to always say, "If you do right, you'll eventually feel right." And it's so true! Even when you don't feel like praying for your spouse or serving him or biting your tongue when he snaps at you, if you just do it, your feelings can change dramatically!
Praising Him,
Kathy W, Mansfield, TX
there is an enemy. but it is not your husband.
Oh my, this is certainly one topic with which I've had some major experience. My husband and I are closing in on our seventh anniversary; however, I can promise you we have only been truly "married" and a "team" for the past 18 months or so. Sad but very, very true.
We both did some absolutely awful things to each other for the first 5 years and, at one time, had nothing but hatred and contempt for each other. That's when God did the coolest thing. Through us actually separating for what I thought at the time was the LAST time, we began to really see each other as the person we fell in love with.
And we also couldn't remember all of the supposed character flaws we'd accused each other of through the years. All we could remember were the good, happy times and – within a matter of weeks – realized we simply couldn't live without each other.
Are we always happy? No. Do we still fight? Yes. Absolutely. Sometimes rather randomly and a little too hard. But you know what? Now that we have invited Him into our relationship and have begun attending church again and getting involved with our church family, we simply can't stay mad at each other for long. Believe me, we've tried at times, but we just can't do it.
There were many, many who told us to give it up and move on. That we were destructive to each other. That our daughter was paying too high a price watching us fight and split only to get back together and do it again. But in the darkness of many of those nights, I heard the Lord say that he would bring my man back to me. I didn't know how and knew that it would only be by divine intervention and, you know what? I was right.
He is the only one who could have saved my marriage and I thank Him every single day for this blessing.
As for what I would say to others who find their friends in this situation? Don't abandon them but know that sometimes the most significant changes in a relationship DO happen when those two people are left alone with the Father.
Once we had behaved so badly that our friends simply didn't want to be a part of it day in and day out, we were free of the distractions keeping us from fixing the problem.
Amanda,
One of my favorite post yet! God has laid on my heart families and marriages for some time now. My husband and I now teach a Homebuilders Class at our church and WOW…the growth and how Philippians 1:6 holds true…"he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." I am so blessed I'm not a finished product! Oh how I don't want to stay the same. You can't go with Christ and stay the same..I own a copy of Fireproof and took my husband on his birthday to see it the day it came out. I have also posted several things on my blog about it and even wrote Alex Kendrick from Sherwood Baptist and was amazed how he took time to write back thanking me for promoting such a awesome movie.. By the way they did awesome on 2 other movies if anyone was interested. (Flywheel and Facing the Giants) We own those too!! Satan is alive and thriving and he is starting with our families. Our husbands–> then to us as wives–>to our children—>and finally even into our churches..I am right there with you when you say you would hope someone would take you out by the woodshed (you cracked me up because I thought We only said that here in TN ha ha) Another thing the fight on your movie..My husband and I have been married about 7 1/2 years and we cracked up the other day over our fight about pancakes!! I did the Love Dare and WOW..I can testify to everyone doing that with an open heart and seeing God's hand in and for our marriage and how HE truly loves us. Sorry so long this is my subject..Thanks for this one.
In HIS service,
April Lyon
http://www.lyonsden4.blogspot.com
"…you just need to get over it because your pride is stealing a blessing from you."
I love that!! I bought that study way back when the movie came out and have not even taken it out of the packaging. Why? Pride. It's time I gave that up to collect my blessing. Thanks Amanda
Amanda, such wisdom from one so young is just proof of God's work in your life. I have been married for 34 years myself and I would say as your mother says that marriage is "dang hard". But worth every bit of the work. My advice would be to always remember that divorce is no option, that marriage takes a lot of giving, and that you have to trust Christ with all the problems that come up. God is always faithful when we seek His help and seek it we must to keep our marriages intact and bringing glory to Him. I think it's the same as most situations in that self must be put aside and Christ must be put to the front. Thanks so much for your wisdom and especially for your honesty in sharing about your own marriage.
Good post Amanda. I am married for the second time due to a divorce the first time. So many things done wrong since the divorce. I am now married to an unsaved man, praying like mad for his salvation, would appreciate everyone's prayers. While the marriage is "ok", it isn't great.
Now my daughter is going to go through a divorce after 14 years of marriage. It is like living a bad dream as it is the same reason, another woman. While I know no marriage falls apart (normally) because of just one person, this is so painful to walk through this again with her. My son-in-law is also unsaved….see
a pattern here???? BUT GOD!!!!!!
He can repair ALL things and we are believing just that. For salvation for both men and for my marriage to get better and hers to be restored. There are 3 precious children involved in her seperation. Praise God, two accepted Christ last year and got baptized. The younger one we hope and pray will accept Christ this year and get baptized. She is still young…..only 6. But the middle one accepted Christ at 7, so this is the year for our little girl.
I will pray for couples and restoration as I KNOW Satan is on the prowl.
Blessings to all of you at LPM!!!
Bible Bunny in NO MI
Great post. Great way to address this important issue. Great movie! It helped my marriage a lot!
Sue and others out there- I can say that I have been there. We have been married 12 years and have had major marital conflict and struggles. We went to Christian Counseling for 2 years, one of those my husband went alone. Things are still not perfect but we are both walking closer with the Lord now and things are gradually getting better and better. I am doing Beth's Esther study right now, and God has used it to reveal to me that I have a huge tree (not root) of bitterness toward my husband and our past difficulties. This whole week- (week 3) of the study has spoken directly to my heart on this. Anyway, sort of a ramble but just to encourage you in difficult marriages, please hang on, God can work a miracle. He has in my marriage. One thing Beth says in the study is that you can force a man's ear but not his hand- I have given my issues with my husband to God and am trusting him to take care of it so I can focus on my own issues. We can make it!! I will pray for you Sue!!
I was saved as a teenager, and then proceeded to run my life (almost into the ground). I married and divorced twice, had 2 abortions, and then decided since I was not doing a very good job of it, I would turn my life back over to the Lord. I am now in a marriage with an amazing Christian man (20 years in July!) – one of our rules is the word divorce was removed from our vocabulary. It is never an option, no matter what happens. I have 2 loving step-daughters (God's grace again) and 3 grandchildren that are the delight of my heart. If I can be redeemed, anyone can be redeemed. Yes, marriage can be hard at times, but there is nothing more worthy of your time, energy and prayers.
Hi, Amanda. I thought your words were great and truly inspired by God. I have been married 13 1/2 years. I married quite young, before I was 18.
When I met my husband, I was blinded by love. He was my first everything, my first love, my first kiss, everything. I was so in love with him that I couldn't breathe if he wasn't next to me.
I have found, to my shame, that as the years go by my feelings are different. I still love my husband very much, but not in the same way.
Sometimes I find myself getting frustrated and irritated with him over things I used to find so great about him. I think we have both changed in so many ways from when we first met.
I appreciate what you wrote. It made think that I should stop feeling ashamed of the way I do or don't feel and hiding in a corner. I should expose my feelings to God and let Him help me work with my husband to make sure our marriage stays strong. Thank you for your words and Bible reference. Somehow, I feel better now than I did a little while ago.
Love to you all.
Melissa
I would say/have said that in most instances, "Divorce is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." (Even though temporary can sometimes feel never ending.)
My heart just breaks for Sue & Kevin, the anonymous post Amanda, thank you for being honest about how you felt about the movie and the Love Dare. So many times I have "rebelled" on reading books or going to movies because everyone was pushing it. I'm glad I saw Fireproof early on and took the Love Dare.
One thing to remember, no matter what resource you use, when you try to bring your marriage under God's will, Satan will attack, no matter how strong a marriage you have. We celebrated 23 years this month (another June bride) and the first night I started reading Love Dare, I was faced with information that could have split my marriage. If not for the first day's dare, I would have thrown in the towel, but I waited and gave it to God and let God do the healing.
I say, ride the wave, get your mind off yourself and your hurt feelings, PICTURE THE FUTURE, WHAT WOULD IT ACTUALLY LOOK LIKE, (like I tell my kids–think of the consequences of an action BEFORE deciding to go with it) IF YOU DECIDED TO JUMP OFF THE WAVE-split time with the kids, holidays would be changed, changes in lifestle, it goes on and on…..
We've all been there with you Amanda. Arguments over really stupid things! I have to say in our marriage, I am usually the 'problem' and my husband is the patient and loving one. I used to be sooooo moody- stemming from a long bout with depression- but moody none the less. When I became obedient to the Lord in forgiving the one who abused me…my whole life changed. HAllalujah!!!!
I can remember times when my friend Deb would say, "hang in there and give it 2 weeks, you'll like him again……." I laugh but that is so true.
I too would like to be taken to the woodshed. My brother-in-law tried a stunt a bout a year ago and some dear friends called him on it—he repented and is now back with his wife, never to be the same.
Thanks for posting this. My husband (of 3 years) and I are going through a rough patch. He came home from a men's retreat last February and admitted to an affair that had happened 6 months before. I am amazed at how God has orchestrated events since that day. I'm usually a loud mouth about my life and feelings, but God was able to lasso my tongue and I prayed for wisdom on who to talk to. I'm going to an amazing women's group and my husband is opening his heart to the Lord for the first time in a long time. It's tough and I hate it, but our marriage is worth it to me. It's worth the struggle and pain. It's worth experiencing incredible blessing from God alone. These days marriage is on the back burner and everything else takes center stage. It's easy to toss it out the window and move on. I praise God that He held me back and spoke sweet words of comfort and forgiveness to me, then encouraged me to do the same for my husband. We are doing so much better. Talking. Hurting. Laughing. Growing. Praying. It's worth the fight. It really is.
Ephesians 5 packs a punch, doesn't it? Well, I just did give advice to an acquaintance who asked for some. She and her husband have 8 kids. She has been going to a Christian counselor and that counselor told her to have her husband leave. I didn't think that was right. It gives him the "easy way out". What guy wouldn't want to be left to himself to watch T.V. whenever he wanted to without any responsibility in helping with the kids or in working on the marriage while he's in it? He'll love that kind of freedom. Where is the term "separation" in the Bible? I don't see it but I do see that God hates divorce. Everyone has rough spots in their marriages. But what God keeps teaching me is that I am a selfish person and I need to keep going back to the Lord and keep begging Him to change me to be the kind of wife my husband needs me to be. In this country today, it is so accepted that the wife is domineering and controling of her husband. We don't let them lead. And when they do, we want to change that and not be submissive. It's so easy to fall for that kind of sin. Let's all take the "high road" which is also the hard road and trust in the Lord for everything, not just the easy things. I need this advice too…every day!
Amanda-it's so interesting that you wrote this today. My husband and I have been praying for several different couples in our lives that have marriages that are on the rocks, when the actual problem in every single one of them is that they are not depending on the One True Rock. We are very much aware of the enemy's attack on them and are daily praying against it. We are praying scriptures (breathing out God's breath, according to your mom!) and renouncing satan for them. In one particular instance, I am constantly texting scripture and forwarding e-mails to my sweet sister who has lost all hope. Each and every time she has responded with appreciation and seems to be encouraged. She has had an uncommonly horrific year with the sudden loss of her mother (who was her absolute best friend) and now the unceasing pressure of a failing marriage. I have even, at times, had to be fairly upfront and honest with her about what I see wrong, but ONLY when she asked. She was surprisingly receptive when I told her that they were both letting their pride spoil their blessing of happiness and joy and that they both needed to suck it up, get over it and their resentment, and move on in Christ. They are now in counseling and we are Believing God to heal them and ressurect their marriage. That's all I think most people need, is for at least one dear friend to show them that even if they can't see past the struggles, that someone else can and is willing to believe God for them.
Thank you so much for your topic today. The enemy is without a doubt attacking marriages all over the place and it is critical for all of His children to be armed and dangerous in his sight with God's Word and promises in mind and on our tongues!
Much love,
Aimie Markham Murfreesboro, Tennessee
We both loved Fireproof and read the Love Dare book. It was a great eyeopener. We've been married 37 years and whether you've been married 1 yr or 50 I think this is worth the time to sit down to watch and take a few minutes daily to work through the book.
I can so see how Satan tries very hard to attack both of us but we are learning together and waging a war against him.
I love how Christine said "I'm learning to Be Still in my thoughts and reactions to my spouse and listen to the voice of God." That is the number one thing I'm STILL working on, but I'm glad I recognize that need and can move forward.
Thanks Amanda for taking time to share this post, it's something we should all think about and ask for prayer when we need it. Those around us love us too and will do anything to help all wounds heal.
Blessings, Bobbie
God has a since of humor…last night my husband "tossed" a magazine across the room after I asked him to help with one of the kids. My reaction to this was not worthy of writing on this blog…
I began to have it out with God (in my head) and I told Him I was NOT apologizing because I had done nothing wrong! A long story short… here I am reading this.
It's just not worth it…he's a great husband and father. O.K. I will apologize. Seriously, I've thrown much more than a magazine at him in my mind.
Some advise from my friend…" when your husband makes you mad just remember, your not really submitting to him. You are submitting to God and that I will gladly do."
We've watched the movie together and it was awesome. I keep saying I'm going to get the book but I haven't. Then I found this blogger that each day was posting the book on her blog. She has taken a break from it but it is a start and maybe the start all of us needs to then go out and get the book.
http://meganslovedare.blogspot.com/2009_02_01_archive.html
As a wife of 25 years, who when in only the 6th year of marriage face one of if not the most destructive episodes and has the potential to kill a marriage I want to speak to those friends of the friends whose marriage is falling apart. DO NOT TURN AWAY.
During my time of marriage self destruction not only friends but family stepped aside or should I say ran aweay. That's how it felt. Friends stopped calling, invitations stopped coming everyone watched from the side lines as if to say "Ok let's wait to see how this marriage ends and then we will step in and help with the clean up." I know now that they just didn't know what to say. After all we were the Sunshine Family! We were going to be the ones who made it. We did praise God and it was only by the grace of God that we did. But friends please do not abandon the couple. Love on them, pray on them and even prey on them. As Amanda said stage an intervention! Don't take sides even when they try and make you. They are in a pit no matter who matter which one got them there and they need your love and prayer to get them out.
And please do not act like nothing is going on. Don't ignore the warning signs. We are called to spur one another on and lift each other up. Friends get in there in the mud of the pit and throw them a life line.
I pray, I pray & then I pray some more. Unfortunately, I've watched several friends go through some major valleys in their marriages. Praise be to God, most of them have recovered (or are in the process of recovering.) When I'm with them, I just try to speak truth to them the best I can. I'm single & have never been married, so I can't identify from the having walked through it viewpoint. A couple of years ago I had multiple people coming to me with maritial issues & I just cried out to God – "What? With all of my experience in marriage? What on earth do I have to tell them? All I know about marriage is what the Bible says!" I could almost hear God chuckle as His response was "And conveniently, that's all I need you to know."
I'm not married but I have seen it work miricales in other peoples marriages. that that is a little book by dr. Bill Gothard. "The Power of the Spoken Blessing"
I love this post…I am a 1.5 year marriage veteran and have the same questions — will we be one of the marriages that make it? I WANT TO BE!!! Marriage is hard, and I know we've got hardship to come…and I want to go through it with my husband and grow in Christ as He wants us to grow. Pray for my marriage (we're Sarah and Dave) and I'll be praying for yours….I know it's worth it, and I know God is good and worth trusting…love you all!
This year we celebrated 15 years together…Our first years were not good to say the least, but God saved our marriage…
I could write a book, but I will share the one piece of advice that I believe was the start of healing in our marriage. I felt in my spirit that God told me to stop trying to change my husband, and look in the mirror to see what needed to change in me…
Wake up call.. although the process was not instant, once I started looking at the things (and there were a lot) I needed to change it was hard for me to worry about what my husband needed to do…And you know the cool thing is that my husband did change as he began to search out the Lord too.
Again, I gave the quick version, but our story is one of God's miracle and Him saving my husband and I from ourselves 🙂
Blessings!!!
Sue,
I hear you. Sometimes when you are trying to be "fireproof" you just get burned a little more each day. All the resources in the world can't change the reality of what is happening when the rubber meets the road in your own home. I am glad these resources are there and many do contain the Truth, but please know that someone out there understands that all of the determination to stay married, head and heart knowledge of the biblical principles of marriage and genuine attempts to be the wife you are called to be just can't always make things better. In fact, years worth of hard work can't always do that either.
Ladies out there who have good marriages, please keep those of us in mind (and in your prayers) who are fighting every day and getting nowhere. I hope you will be sensitive enough to be able to differentiate when we need "woodshed moments" and when we just need a shoulder to lean on.
my husband and I will celebrate 30 years of marriage this Oct. We have certainly had our share of "waves." But as we mentor couples, and as we have learned for ourselves, marriage truly shows up our selfishness. That's God's opportunity to learn that it's "not about me." (Caveat: that does NOT mean abuse is ok!!!) Something we notice over and over is the willingness for couples to be cruel to each other; talking mean, calling names, bringing up hurtful past — it's all so unnecessary and words do so much damage! Also, it is not your spouse's job to meet all your emotional and spiritual needs. Only God can do that. Let God renew your mind through His Word. Do what God says, not what culture or movies or romance novels say. And get help if y'all need it!!! Amanda, I'm confident that your parents would take you and Curtis to the woodshed — as would my hubbie and I if we were closer! We love you, and your generation needs to fight for marriage as God sees it.
Wow. Your post comes 2 days after our small group. We have been studying Ephesians since September. We actually just finished the section on marriage.
The biggest thing for me was the fact that our marriages are to be a reflection of Christ and his church. How crazy is that? When people see my marriage do they seem Christ's love reflected there?
Just saw Fireproof. Thanks for this post.
There are two things have told friends before and that I'm sure I'll share again.
1. Don't separate. If you fall, slice your arm open, and go to the doctor, he doesn't leave it open and gaping to heal. He stitches it back together. So when there's a rift in your marriage, stitch yourself to your partner so healing can occur.
2. Act like you still love your spouse, even when you don't feel like you do. We so often think that we act based on our feelings but research shows that's just not true. Our actions have a huge impact on our feelings. So even when you are mad, make your spouse's favorite dinner or take home a card or small treat. Your feelings will follow that action.
I hear so much in my community about divorce recovery and ministry and I am all for that. Please don't mistake and think I'm not. But why aren't we hearing twice as much about how to keep from getting to divorce? Why aren't there more classes, seminars, etc. being offered to help me strengthen and hold on to my marriage? Thanks, Amanda, for your timely post.
The piece of advice I would give again is this: fight for it. Choose every day to stay and choose to love your spouse. Marriage is not about feelings–your feelings will steer you wrong every time. They come and go based on circumstance. Don't be afraid to get help.
The only exception? If you or your children are in physical danger. Then choose to leave and get help.
Wow – what a great post! My husband and I recently celebrated our 25th anniversary and we are both walking miracles! I have cried so hard that I thought my insides were going to explode. I have been so mad that I couldn't enjoy the chocolate that I was eating to make myself feel better. But GOD is the Almighty Healer – after I finally gave up and decided to do things His way – He brought my husband and me to a place that I never thought possible. We never entertained the thought of divorce – but daily struggled with how to live with one another in the middle of the mess. I begged God to help and that He did! All of the Glory is God's – He is amazing!
Mary Ann
Wichita Falls
This was very encouraging. The marriage I am praying for right now is my parents. They have been married almost 30 years and have quite frankly just about given up. It's absolutely heartwrenching. But, God is good. I have to daily just give it to Him. Because I've learned that I am completely unable to handle this on my own. God bless all of you.
Blessings,
Hannah
I have been in a failed marraige and divorced. In addition to all the Biblical reasons…let me bring it down to the human level for a moment: Let me say that I believe the pain of it all was worse than if my spouse had died. If he had died, at least it wouldn't have been partly my fault. I have lived with the guilt for 20 years now. In the end it was MY decision…MY choice. I regret it for the pain it caused my children, and still does cause them all these years later. If you think that you would be happier without him…you need to know that you will be dealing with him for the rest of your life. My children are grown…and I still can get totally mad at him. Most of the time, I feel forgiven…but sometimes, I still punish myself.
I have been remarried to a wonderful, precious man for 17 years. He has been a fantastic step-dad to my girls. We have had A LOT of counciling (you can find it free if you can't afford it) because it can be challenging to blend 2 families. We love each other, and often times think that we were meant for each other from the start of time.
God was very good to me…He provided a parachute when I was crashing to the ground. My dear husband softed the blow of hitting the ground. But even though I've found great happiness in this 2nd marriage…the pain and reality of really blowing it the first time has never totally healed.
Don't think that because you just can't get along, or have no common interest, or you just "don't love each other anymore" that divorce is the best option. You will live with the consequences your entire life. God hates divorce for a reason.
My marriage HAS been in the ashes, my husband DID go off the deep end, I didn't think I'd survive the destruction. And our friends? They couldn't have been more like Jesus intended His Body to be. They lovingly breathed life and the Word into us. We have hope again. Beauty is on its way. So, what would I say to a woman who is about to give up?
I'd say, "Let me tell you my story…"
Oh well, I have been taken to the woodshed, praise God. I have been married for 33 years to my high school sweetheart. Things were happening in my life that I had no control of financially, and my husband being the financial man he is couldn't handle this, so he was very angry at me. He took out all of his anger on me through screaming and hollering at me, and it pushed me away from him. I resorted to the kindness of other men through facebook and fell for Satan's lies that they cared more about me than my own husband. Boy what a mess I made of things and was brought up in a fine christian home and was a fine christian mother and wife, who would have said I would never do something like that. After the truth became light, some of my dearest friends took me to the woodshed but not with switches, but with God's love and his word. I was brought back to my life thank God. My marriage barely held together with much prayer. It's only been a year and it's still a major struggle, but I know the harvest is close. Two things that helped me through this was a small Bible study called Searching for contentment (I think) and a song by Point of Grace called "Heal the wound, but leave the scar" I can definitely testify that their is HOPE!!
This is my second post because I neglected to answer your specific question, Amanda; this very topic has been searing my heart and brain this week.
We as a couple have money set aside to gift people with resources when the need arises. We sent a set of John Piper's new marriage material to some friends in a rough spot right now. We've offered money for marriage retreats. We've given books. And we ask some hard questions like "how is your sex life?" I am currently working on a Bible study with a friend who is on the other coast. And we pray- we're on 4 years for one struggling couple who, after 20+ yrs of marriage are finally open to giving it a bit longer.
Don't give up and always do the right thing, no matter what. I'm praying as I read comments.
God has been showing me lately that I shouldn't judge others' marital situations. I was extrememly critical of my brother-in-law actions until my sister told me that she loves him and knows he won't change, but that God sustains her and has called her to love him. Until she asks for help, I should be proud of her for being supportive and loving rather than questioning how she can put up with him.
Amanda, this is truly a difficult question- I believe I had the right to leave my marriage during the first years. Wish I had many times!
If I had had the information and understanding I now have, I would have made a different choice in a mate. Sound pre marital counsel can be very valuable and also when the times get tough in a marriage. In my case, even the counselors my husband and I worked with- suggested I leave or find a way to live a parallel life without the intimacy and care I wanted in a mate. Narcissism is a very sad disorder- for the spouse and the narcissist.
I did not know such a personality disorder existed, although my family background is full of the disorder (we think these behaviors are normal when you live in the middle of them)- Your mother has taught about generational issues effecting our choices- I believe that is true. I also have great faith that God wants to heal the generational issues that are harmful so that future generations will be blessed with a full life and healthy families.
I did not leave my marriage. Frankly, I believe it would have been the correct decision, prior to having children. I have two grown sons. Life has been very difficult and sad. However, we "LOOK" really good on the outside! It was my decision to stay and I cannot blame anyone for that decision. I believe it is very destructive to maintain a victim mentality, once the darkness is exposed. God has used my pain to heal many aspects of my life and deepen my walk with him. I am now aware of the importance of generational healing through the grace of our Lord. I pray that the work I have done to understand my marital choice and the wisdom our Lord is giving me regarding the authority I have as a wife and mother to pray into all the wounds that are associated with my husband's and my life will produce the fruit and abundance our Lord desires for us and our children. He is the healer.
I want my sons and their descendents to be blessed for a thousand generations and for the false Gods (workalcohism, narcissm, money, divorce, social pride, legalism, etc.) of generations past to end with me with God's help.
So, after that long winded opinion. I agree with your mother. Before you marry, look at your own baggage,your potential mate's baggage and get Godly counsel. But most importantly "Deal with your own baggage" If you are already married- still look at your own baggage, then approach your marriage with deep prayer and Godly counsel. If you get healthy spiritually and emotionally through the grace of our Lord, everyone else will benefit- Staying a victim in any sense of the word never produces abundant fruit.
God bless you for your focus on this important matter at this stage in your life. You will bless others greatly. Love and blessings, One of the Siestas who believes God can set us free. I am still a work in progress at age 60 and and continue to pray for God to complete his mighty work in my family and me.
I have been there in my marriage — the point where you are sure it is done. We managed to get past it only by the grace of God (celebrated our ninth anniversary in April). I have a friend who is struggling in her marriage right now. I try to be direct with her because I can see myself in some of the things she is doing. I pray that she and her husband will have a complete healing in their marriage.
June 18, the day you posted this was our 26th anniversary. I like the word your mom used, it is an apt description – waves. In 26 years we've ridden our share of waves of richer or poorer, sickness or health, and better or worse. We happen to be riding a crisis wave right now, but we're riding it together.
Several have mentioned "The Power of A Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian. In heated moments, ladies, instead of continuing the discussion which will only grow more heated, zip your lips and pray your heart out for your man. I can testify that when you begin to pray God's Word over your husband, God will not only change your man, he will change you first and you will never be the same. I have to tell you that I like the Spirit-filled me He continues to transform daily so much better than the self-centered wretch that I was.
Amazed by His grace,
Patti Hayes
Lutz, Florida
PS: If you haven't watched Fire Proof, you don't want to miss this one.
We have a woman in our church who is leaving her husband because she is a believer and he is not. She says she can't take it anymore….his atheistic/antagonistic ways. I have tried showing her the scripture in I Cor. 7 where it says a believer should stay married to a non-believer. I don't know what else I can do.
Anyone got any suggestions?
My husband and I just celebrated our 25th anniversary. We give God all of the praise. We never would have made it without Him!!! We've certainly had our problems, but I must tell you I love my husband more today than ever and am so glad to share my life with him.
What would I say to a sister struggling in her marriage? Forget about what the media says – any and all things that come to you from a non-Biblical perspective of love and marraige. With your whole heart, jump into the scriptures on marriage. Get Christian counseling. Remember why you chose to marry that person in the first place. Focus on the good things in them. Treat your husband like you did when you dated and were first married. Tell them you love them and tell them what you appreciate about them. Your heart will eventually follow your decisions and your words. The words in Revelations are to the church, but they can certainly be applied to our marriages, "…You have forsaken your first love. Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and DO THE THINGS YOU DID AT FIRST…" (Revelations 2:5)
Value your marriage, your husband, your children, and mostly – the vow you made to God. God "has given us everything we need for life and godliness…" (2 Peter 1:3)
Much love and prayers to those of you who are struggling today.