I Wish I Knew Why My Husband…Results!

Hey ladies,
Thank you so much for your help. These were the three most common responses from Friday’s post.

1) I wish I knew why my husband doesn’t help keep the house clean.

You felt very strongly about the dishes and were especially frustrated with his behavior toward them. I was sure one of the anonymous comments was from Amanda. Many mornings she has woken up to a clean kitchen with a single cereal bowl in the sink. I lost count after the 5,556th time she asked me to just put it into the dishwasher. I’m not sure what it is about men that we don’t empty the trash until it’s spilling out onto the floor. Or why we don’t put our dirty clothes into the hamper instead of piling them next to it. Or why we just sweep dirt piles under the refrigerator instead of using the dust pan. (You didn’t know he did that, but he does). It’s probably a chemical reaction in the brain… or laziness. I’m not sure, but a chemical reaction sounds better.

2) I wish I knew why my husband doesn’t listen to me or can’t remember what I told him to do.

If I had asked your husband the same question, his response would have been “I wish I knew why my wife can’t remember not to tell me what to do.”

3) I wish I knew why my husband doesn’t like to communicate his feelings.

Here’s a tip for getting your husband to open up: never ask him the deep questions first. He’s like a first grader at the pool. The deep end is scary and overwhelming. He’ll be more comfortable starting in the shallow end and gradually working his way into deep waters. If you ask him the big questions first, he’ll refuse to open up, but if you let the conversation develop naturally, he’ll open up like an emotional fire hydrant. Maybe not, but he is more likely to share the things you’ve been wanting to hear.

Thanks again for all your help. I won’t try to defend your men. Just know that he doesn’t do these things to frustrate you on purpose. He doesn’t even know why he does them. We are simple, but mysterious creatures. I sincerely apologize on behalf of my gender for leaving the dishes in the sink instead of putting them in the dishwasher and hope you have an amazing conflict free day with your man.



40 Responses to “I Wish I Knew Why My Husband…Results!”

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  1. 1
    Anonymous says:

    I'll delurk to drop a piece of wisdom that has worked great for me. Dr. Dobson talks in his books about boys that boys (and men) respond and retain a great deal better if you are touching them when you tell them something. And boy, does it work!! It's like putting my hand on my husband's shoulder pulls some kind of string that pulls his face directly in line with mine and he remembers what I said later!! It's pretty effective on my almost 2 yr old also, when he actually isn't being a typical 2 yr old.

  2. 2
    Lemonade Makin' Mama says:

    Well, I just love these, I'm going to be honest.

    It's like a perfect peek into the inner workings of marriage. Curtis, you are like having an inside mole.

  3. 3
    lori says:

    Too funny and thinking Amanda was anonymous commenter.

  4. 4
    Kristin says:

    I just finished reading "For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men". By: Shaunti Feldhahn

    I recommend it to all the Siestas… its a good read!! Lots of info!!

    Thanks for insight Curtis, your advice is priceless!!

  5. 5
    Lauren says:

    I LOVE YOUR RESPONSE TO #2!!!!! We do need to remember NOT to tell our husbands what to do…

  6. 6
    Chéché says:

    It must be universal, as I know all men do not talk to each other…MY dear hubby also likes to leave one bowl right in the middle of a clean sink! Anybody think he might change? (he's 66!!)

  7. 7
    Anonymous says:

    in regards to the dishes and chores…I am often told that he 'doesn't like doing them'….which i can respect! Except for one thing- there's a mighty big assumption that I like doing them! As if being a woman on this earth automatically comes with a desire to scrub dishes. It may be laziness or an assumption on the definition of roles, not quite sure. But if both of us knew and respected each others dislike of the dishes- we could help each other out and enjoy those 'out-to-eat-nights' equally.

  8. 8
    Mama Bev says:

    something an older widow told me years ago, when I was frustrated and complaining that my husband never picked up his laundry or put his dishes in the dishwasher, etc.
    "you know, dear, I never have that problem anymore. but, I don't have my husband anymore either, and I would love to have the chance to pick up some laundry or put a dish away. I miss him."

    Proverbs 14:4 "Without oxen a stable stays clean,but you need a strong ox for a large harvest." (NLT)
    No, I'm not calling me oxen 🙂 but I think you can get the point. . .

  9. 9
    SheSheWin says:

    My husband used to pitch in until our dishwasher went out but now I like to to the dishes myself so that I know that they are done right. His excuse to not remembering anything I ever say is that he doesn't remember anything anyone says, LOL (BTW, I don't tell him what to do). And, as far as communicating his feelings, he does on the important things, just not on every little thing like I do.

    I was out of town and didn't get the chance to finish that statement, but I would have said… On a funny note (seriously though), "I wish I knew why my husband can't ever put the toilet seat down!" I can't believe that one didn't make the top 3 but it had to have made the top 10! =0)

  10. 10
    Amy G says:

    For those women out there who really would like to know what their men are thinking I would highly recommend "For Women Only
    What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men" by Shaunti Feldhahn. I just listed to 3 podcosts with Dr. James Dobson talking with this author and she has done an amazing job with this book – very eye opening!

  11. 11
    Celie says:

    To funny. When my boys were growing up if they drooped ice they would always kick it under the refrigerator. Drove my up the wall it made mud pies underneath the thing.


  12. 12
    Cheryl Barker says:

    Curtis, I love the way you tried to apologize for all men everywhere 🙂

  13. 13
    Darla says:

    I love the first grader and swimming pool analogy!!! That is great!

  14. 14
    Anonymous says:

    Thank you for sharing the results with us. Anonymous, I'm going to remember to touch my husband's shoulder next time we talk. (I raised my boys on The Strong-Willed Child and Dare to Discipline, but had them too early for his book on raising boys.)

  15. 15
    Kimberly says:

    Curtis, who knew you were such a great blogger too? We expect to hear more from you now!

  16. 16
    julie says:

    I'll readily admit I tend to "instruct" my husband too much. The Lord got my attention last year when He told me to "Talk less. Pray more." He also gave me specific scripture to pray for my husband. Praying God's Word over your man is POWERFUL stuff…huge difference in our marriage/relationship when I do talk less and pray for him more!

  17. 17
    Gayle @ thewestiecrew says:

    Here's my question, brother: Are you feeling a little of the Post Traumatic Stress now that you opened up that can 'o worms?


    Sorry… and God bless ya, Curtis. 😀

  18. 18
    Anonymous says:

    Thankfully my husband doesn't fall into any of those 3 responses! 🙂 My husband saw what his dad did/didn't do and he is very cognizant of everything, which is a blessing.

  19. 19
    Anonymous says:

    my mother has always said, "What do you expect, you married a man, if you wanted him to act like a woman, you should have not married a man" We have laughed many times over this, none more than in the last two months since the first (my daughter) of her grandchildren has married.

  20. 20
    *TARA* says:

    I am most definitely not an expert but i can't help to think that the reason for #1- Why men do not help around the house is because they go outside the home to work and when they get home, to them, it is a place of rest, relaxation, throw those feet up,grab the remote, and done. For women, even those who work outside the home, it is still a nesting zone, you can't relax until it is clean and organized. That's just a thought.

  21. 21
    happymcfamily says:

    James 4:17
    "Remember, it is sin to know what you ought to do and then not do it."

    One day I got the bright idea that perhaps that would convict my truly wonderful husband about the little things he doesn't do that drive me nuts sometimes. It didn't. I'm sure you're not surprised 🙂

    Yet it turned around and convicted me about not cutting him some slack. And then it continues to convict ME for every minute little detail that I don't follow through on. Continually.

    How do you like them apples?

    MamaBev- thanks for sharing that Proverb. Love it.

  22. 22
    Leslie Lauren says:

    Oh dear…you just HAD to write this on the one night that I come home to a beautifully cleaned home…yes, wonder of wonders, while I was at work, my hubby picked up the whole house and vacuumed every floor. AND he bought dessert to boot!!! So I made a very yummy homemade baked ziti and tossed salad for dinner (without a single complaint of being tired!). Marriage really is all about give and take~ it's easy to forget that during the times when relationships seem one-sided (my hubby is a dish leaver too!!! It drives me crazy!!)

    Thanks also to the women for recommending the books to read~ I'm going to look for the Shanti Feldhahn book this weekend! <3

  23. 23
    texatheart says:

    Thanks for sharing. I get so frustrated with my teenage sons. I just know that someday their wives are going to ask me why I didn't do a better job teaching them.

  24. 24
    Anonymous says:

    My heart is sad for us women who like the same opportunity as our husbands for a little time away without the guilt trip and expectation of the next meal upon our arrival. Having to cut our time short because "the dog misses us" is a lame excuse for their becking and calling.

  25. 25
    Theresa says:

    OK so my answer was not one of the top three but I so appreciate your insight of the others. It is good to have a guy's point of view! It truly does help to see if from their perspective. Thanks Curtis and you are much needed "breath o' man" that is needed.
    Just thankful I've got this man of mine that although is not perfect he is "perfectly" happy with me! And that is totally a God thing!

  26. 26
    Jina says:


    I didn't weigh in on the questions you posed last week. Maybe I will be placing myself in the firing line for saying this… Post at your discretion, but I have been reading Love Dare for my summer Bible Study. It is kicking the pants off of all of my presuppositions about what my husband should be doing for me.

    I am a full supporter of the Biblical plan of a husband being the servant leader as Christ has done for His bride. This book has really turned the tables on me. God has used entries to convict me of my own selfishness and shed light on communicating my interest and value in my husband's opinions, thoughts and dreams. My husband is responding very favorably. It isn't a silver bullet, but it is growing trust and intimacy exponentially.

    I will say it gives glaring testimony to when I am not walking in the power of the Spirit. My flesh has become incredibly ugly in comparison.

    Blessings to all,

  27. 27
    Katie Laitkep says:

    hahahaha I'm not married (and won't be for awhile :P), but these are great.

  28. 28
    Deirdre says:

    this cracks me up. I have the opposite problem with my hubby. He won't come to bed till after the dishes are done and all leftover housework has been completed…by HIM.

    I wish I could say i trained him to be that way, but I didn't. according to his mother he has always been a neat freak. I'm the sloppy one.

    I praise God all the time for my incredible man.

  29. 29
    Jill_in_AL says:

    your a brave man, Charlie Brown (well, Curt Jones)!

    those are interesting.

    I wish I knew why I don't view my family with a servant attitude ALL the time but I'm trying and praying toward that end.

  30. 30
    skoots1mom says:

    please pray…
    my great niece, 2 1/2yo Katie, needs extra prayers … she's going to the OR today @ 2PM (cleaning infection from her heart-surgery chest incision)
    Thanks for keeping her in your prayers…

  31. 31
    Rebecca says:

    Thanks Curtis!

  32. 32
    donna says:

    My husband and I read these responses last night and he said "see i'm normal!"
    As a mom of 4 boys i need all the advice i can get 🙂 Thanks

  33. 33
    kat says:

    I also recommend "For Women Only, What You need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men" by Shaunti Feldhan. This is also in Bible Study form with DVDs. Our Bible study group did this study a while back…and we all agreed that we so wished we had had this study in the beginning of our marriages. If you haven't done it I would highly recommend it. Very very eye opening for us gals.

  34. 34
    Marcie says:

    I have an exceptional husband then! He does dishes for me and takes out the trash regularly and helps do the laundry. I feel blessed! 🙂

  35. 35
    Anonymous says:

    This is totally off subject but since the bumpit comment, they are being sold everywhere here. Today passing the sign at CVS pharmacy BUMPITS! Beth even in Iowa women like big hair~! On subject, I am trully blessed with a non-complaining husband who does not pick up anything or put dishes in dishwasher but I will take doing that to a precious gift of a husband who is slow to anger-my imperfections are a test at times! Personally, he wanted a wife that doted on him and he got it.

  36. 36
    Meghan says:

    I absolutely love this post. For a wedding prsent my husband and I got the books, Power of a Praying Husband, and Power of a Praying Wife. We are not typical, he is the nagger, and I am the sweep the dirt under the fridge and deal with it later type. So after about 3 chapters of POAPW, I swiched books with him even though he refused to read anything that might be thought of as girlie!

  37. 37
    Christine Smith says:

    After reading "Me, Myself and Lies" the answer to these three questions is simple: It's not about my husband, it’s about me: being selfish. My own self-centeredness demands that he help with the chores, inspires me to anger when he doesn't meet MY requests and expects him to communicate, so I can reciprocate with my stronger feelings.

  38. 38
    Bonni says:

    I have experience with my husband wanting to enter from the shallow end of the pool. It really does work to start with the easy questions and let the conversation develope.

  39. 39
    Anonymous says:

    I'm so blessed to have a husband who; puts the seat down, washes dishes & clothes, and even scrubs the kitchen floor on his hands and knees. He has always been helpful with domestic chores. He is not your average bear!
    Thanks Curtis for your insight.

  40. 40
    Shellie Paparazzo says:

    Hmm, I'm going to have to try the touching thing. Right now I'm really appreciating what my husband does do when he's home, even though it's not much, because he's not home. He's in another city all week for training in his new job and I'm already missing him terribly. I even saw him at my grandfather's funeral today, which I think only made me miss him more because we were surrounded by relatives and never got a moment to ourselves and then had to go our separate ways again. Please pray for me. He's such a sweet man and I just want him home laying next to me again.

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