When I was a teenager, I would look at the other kids at church and think I had absolutely nothing in common with them. They must all love being there every Sunday and Wednesday and never fight their parents about going. They must never wish they could do all the things their friends at school were doing. They must never sit on the row and be insecure because they weren’t sure if their church friends were going to talk to them that day. They must have it all together.
There was even one day in Sunday school in 10th grade when we divided into stations to talk about issues teenagers faced. I went to the station on peer pressure and to my absolute shock, I was the only one! That further reinforced my belief that I alone was being pulled in by the undertow. Over time, with no one I felt I could relate to on the shore, I gave in to the strong current.
What grieves me now is that other kids were going through some of the same stuff I was, at least to an extent, but no one was talking about it. I didn’t know. Many of us felt isolated in our secret struggles, whatever they might have been. Late in my senior year (which was the low point for me), I was at a party with some friends and a girl from my church was there. I didn’t know her very well at the time. She told my boyfriend to spill some dirt on me because it was killing her to think I could be so perfect. Are you kidding me? Partly because of who my mom was, and partly because it’s in our nature to think everyone else has it altogether but us, she had this very, very false perception that I didn’t struggle.
Her words haunted me for the next year. I felt so bad that she had the wrong idea and that I had allowed the masquerade to persist. Eventually, the guilt got to me and I invited this friend to meet me for lunch. During our time together I was finally able to take off the mask. At that point I was a freshman in college and the Lord was delivering me out of the pit I had been in. Thankfully, I was also able to share the work He was currently doing in my life.
That friend was one of the first people I ever shared those struggles with. It was not easy for me, but it felt so good to be real with her. It marked a turning point in my life toward authenticity. I’ve found that it does me no good to surround myself with pretenders and it does others no good for me to be a pretender.
Two weeks ago Curtis and I were at a very low place in our parenting experience. Jackson’s behavior had brought us to our knees and we felt hopeless. Annabeth was at my parents’ house and we were driving in the car with him to Wednesday night church. Both of us were in tears because we were so frustrated. I asked Curt if this is how it was going to be for the next 15 years – us hating ourselves because we feel like failures and not even recognizing who we’d become. Neither one of us wakes up in the morning hoping we can spend the whole day disciplining our three-year-old, you know? We were seriously at our wits end.
Curt, trying to console me a bit, told me that his best friend had recently asked him how things were going with our two. Curt had told him that things were fine. His friend’s reply was, “Thank God. If you’d told me things were good, I don’t know what I would have done.” Our friends are also in the trenches with their newborn and their two-year-old son. What if Curt had told him everything was great even though it wasn’t? All four of us would have felt alone and like failures.
That night after Bible study, our Sunday school teacher and his wife summoned all the couples from our class over to a table. In tears, he shared a struggle they were having with their three-year-old daughter. They were at their wits end. They felt hopeless. Like failures. He literally said they wondered if this is how it was going to be for the next 15 years.
So we’re not the only ones? We’re not the only ones!
Curt raised his hand and said, “Us too!”
We were able to spend some time praying for one another. I can’t tell you how encouraged Curtis and I felt. We had walked into church that night in despair and we left with hope.
You know what’s crazy? That very night we saw a change in our son. And since then, his heart has been a little softer and a little quicker to respond to discipline. We saw the hand of God move in our situation – from our friends’ vulnerability that let us know we weren’t alone to our kid’s softened heart.
People need us to be real. Of course, I don’t mean “real” to the point that we’re trying to shock others with our sin nature. We don’t need to let it all hang out. I have struck out many times on this. We must be Spirit-filled to walk the fine line.
When we’re authentic, two things happen. One, we encourage others who are struggling in the same way. And two, we allow ourselves to be encouraged by others who have been there.
I was once an incredibly self-righteous person. I was proud of being good. Then God let me eat it and I saw what was really in my heart. There was nothing good there. I learned to surrender my weak self to Jesus every single day and let Him change my heart. If I stopped doing that, I’d turn right back into my old self. That is the scariest thought ever. The stakes are especially high now that I’m a wife and a mother. So I no longer care to portray a false sense of goodness or perfection. I want to show others that He is good and He has is all together. He can take a heart that craves sin and make it thirst for righteousness. He can take a Failure and make her a Victor. He can take our struggles and turn them into strengths. That’s what He’s done for me, what He’s doing for me, and what He’ll keep doing for me until He takes me home.
For we do not preach ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus’ sake. For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. (2 Corinthians 4:5-7)
I think that everyone who has ever had kids have been there at one point or another… or are in that seemingly perpetual state 🙂
A speaker once said something (I can’t remember her name) that, ever since then, I would say to myself whenever I found myself getting at my wit’s end in the “terrible two’s”… which started at one and a half for us. Any time my daughter would be disobedient or throw a fit or whatever it was that irked my nerves, I would remind myself over and over again, “She just needs a savior. She just needs a savior.” It really helped put things in perspective for me and lightened my mood… and also prompted me to pray for my daughter more continually and diligently.
She is 3 now. And as of a couple months ago *shock*, I can’t say that anymore! Because she accepted Christ! 😮
And I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, but things really have improved since then. Not that she doesn’t ever act, well, 3. She does. But you can see her evaluating her decisions more and you can tell that she shows real remorse when she does the wrong thing. It is so precious to really see the Holy Spirit at work in a little person!
Until then… he just needs a savior 😉
A GOOD WORD, Amanda, from a former pit-dwelling, mask-wearing gal to another… You bless many.
Be blessed, I’m praying for you.
Beautiful, excellent post. Bless you for your honesty and transparency. Surrendering daily really hit home with me. Thank you.
Thank you!
Sherrie
Thank you dear sister for your honesty. You touched me deeply. The scripture you chose is just perfect- How Deep the Father’s Love for us…
Kim in PA
Wow! God’s timing is always so incredibly perfect! Our preacher taught on this very topic yesterday…and it was obvious that it stuck a chord with several of us (the tears in most eyes was the evidence!). As a result of that sermon, our Life group leader started our session last night by opening up about some of his current struggles…which then led two more of us to follow his lead. What an awesome time of prayer and encouragement. Afterward, I was also able to further remove my mask with one of the individuals in my life group. Through it all, I remembered your mother’s words from the Daniel study. If we allow false impressions of ourselves to exist, or worse yet, we construct them, then we are building an image. It’s no different from King Neb and his gold statue. I keep trying to remember that during the times that I only allow people to know about the positive things and not the struggles! It is tough to show our weakness but that is how we show His mighty strength!
More timely than you can imagine. Gonna use it to shape the dinner conversation we were going to have to have anyway.
Peace,
Kim Feth
Apex, NC
Thank you Amanda. I am trying to be honest when people ask how I am doing. I usually give the “great, awesome, or good” you see I work at a church and not only do I feel like I have to have on my Sunday face on Sunday but all the time! I want to be a H.O.T. woman (honest, open and transparent) with my fellow sisters in Christ.
I am a mother with my own Amanda and honestly are times I look at her and her sister Jen and wonder, how did we ever get this right? I thought for sure that we screwed things up with them over and over but they are such wonderful young women with hearts for God and I know my mother was right (and who wants to say that?) she always said what ever you do with love will always be right.
Thanks for being a H.O.T. woman.
Thanks, Amanda. You are in a season that is great, but grueling (and, with an infant, lots of drooling!) (sorry, sometimes a weird little rhyming penchant jumps up and bites me). Three year olds can be the most glorious, infuriating creatures God breathed life into. Hang in there, dearie, and thanks for sharing and for being real. It’s an applicable word whether we’re 18, 28, or 88. (What in us makes us think others have it all figured out?? There’s nothing I love more than going to a friend’s house and having her kitchen sink full of dirty dishes. I breathe a deep sigh of relief that I’m not the only one – sad, weird, but true).
Blessings on you,
Warm in Alaska.
Thank you for this post Amanda. I tell my 21 year old sin this all the time. He doesn’t want to attend church because he feels he has nothing in common with the other youths his age. He seems to think they are all perfect and that he won’t fit in. I tell him all the time that they are struggling with the same issues as he is and that it is in our “imperfections” that we connect with others. That is where we find the connections. Anyway thank you for your honesty and please pray for my son that he will follow the path that God has set for him. I will certainly pray for you and your family.
Much love, Lori
Thank you Amanda! I recently went through some of my journals when our first two were the age yours are and I prayed and prayed cause I was so worried I was wrecking their lives for all eternity!! Now they are 20 and 23!! One thing that helped me was the revelation that teaching and training our children was never meant to take once or twice. Just because we have to do it over and over and over and over again does not make us failures! God knew they would need the repetition, and we just need to be faithful. Just think, if they listened the first time we told them something and actually got it, they would not need us be gone by the time they were five!! God chose you to be the mother of Jackson and He knew exactly what he would need and you are giving him that! Thank you for your transparency. . . it is such an inspiration to many!! God bless, Helen
I am 28 and also have a 3 year old son and a daughter who will be 5 months. We too have had our hands full and hearts broken by the actions of our 3 year old. It is almost as if I don’t know who he is at times. Three years ago (right when we started our family) we moved about 45 min. away from our church in The Woodlands and three of our friends that started families when we did moved off. We are not alone but don’t get to see others going through the troubles first hand. Just know we are all out there! My husband always tells me that these are the best days of our life. I sometimes I think he means the hardest.
By the way, I just looked up from sending the comment & he covered her face & head with fising stickers! Oh her poor hair!!!!
What a great post Amanda…truly ministered to all, no matter what our age, because it’s all about being real, true, authentic and needy before the Only One who can really meet our need. It’s much easier to stay in “status quo” with mask on than to take off the mask and yell, “Help! I’m sick and I need help!” My kids, or grandkids, or husband, or whoever is driving me nuts and I’m about to be sent to the moon over it all! But I’m a good Christian, so I don’t dare admit the fact. Better I just run and hide behind my mask. Better I just ignore the bad behavior, or my bad behavior (self-righteousness) and keep my smile going. So I avoid the confrontation at all cost, rationalizing, I must keep peace around here, at any cost.Afterall, with strife and contention is every evil work, and besides if the neighbors hear us, what kind of a witness would we be?
But the enabling and ignoring has produced such a huge crop of weeds, and I’m just too exhausted to deal with reality. Here is where God’s grace comes in, right when I admit the truth.
Oh Amanda — How I want to reach out and hug you girl! You spoke directly to my heart and right to where God is dealing with me lately. Being Real – really being real!
I related so much to the first part of your post – it brought memories from 20 years ago! I HATED High School. Was the good Christian gal that went to public school and so wanted to fit in but didn’t want to give into what I thought was right or wrong. Ended up hating my teen years. Then went to Bible College and it honestly didn’t get any better. Trying to be the part that God didn’t call me to be!
And on top of it was in incredible bondage to approval! We were the deacon’s family that had to play the part no matter what the cost. And if you slipped, you lost all trust in an instant.
Then the second part of your post — WOW! Right where I am in this season of my life. My husband and I had our kids (who are actually truly miracles) later in life (I am in my mid 30’s and my husband will soon turn 40) and we have a 1 year old and an almost 3 year old. There are days that I have just sat and cried after disciplining my son for what seemed like the 100th time that day. I have been told that 3 is the new 2 (I think Kate Gosselin said that:))
I have put your mom’s books that used to be on my bedside table back on the book shelf and right now she is being replaced with Dr. Dobson (don’t tell her *grin*). 90% of the time our little guy is the most precious human being on the face of the earth and I could just eat him up. Other times, I have just want to sit and cry. And to see myself revert back to how I was raised scares me. Not abusive by any means – just high standards I am putting on him. So on my knees I go. To be a parent like our Heavenly Father to my little guy.
Oh Amanda, thank you for being honest! Thank you for being real! Your sermon drove my heart to repentence today. Love you girl!
Thank you. My heart resonates with you and my babies are so much older. Our daughter 21 years (accepted Jesus at 13) is not walking with Him. My husband and I lay in bed the other night thinking “what have we done wrong, we were so distraught” We have made mistakes, we have been accountable and apologized for them, and we have walked out our faith consistenly (never perfectly) because of HIS strength and HIS righteousness. It never ends with your children, it just takes you to different roads traveled. I know that I don’t want to travel alone and because I am HIS I will never have to.
All I can say is BLESS YOUR HEART for your vulnerability! How I wish ALL of the Body of Christ could open up like this. I have a feeling we’d all win more people to Christ and help alot more believers/strugglers become OVERCOMERS.
Amanda,
Thanks for this post. I have a 3 year old daughter, and lately I’ve been feeling like a total failure as a mom and a wife. I needed this encouragement.
presolvUnmasked
The woman I was born to be
Is not the woman that you see
I wear a mask
I built a wall
I built it twenty stories tall.
I try my best but it will not do
And so dear friend I am afraid of you
I am afraid that you will see
The lack of life inside of me.
Deep in my spirit I hear a call
It is Jesus asking for my all in all
Surrender-total
Submission-complete
I lay my mask down at His feet.
Oh the wonder
Sweet the sound
As my wall comes tumbling down
For in my death
My life I found.
Shalom, Dixie
I wish more peope were as authentic in their struggles as you have been in this blog. I long for friends that are authentic. I have not found many.
Hi Amanda,
As a mom of 3 (2 boys and a girl)I feel your pain! I don’t know why they call the 2’s terrible because with all of mine the 3’s were WAY worse! Maybe it is because you might commit yourself if you thought things are going to get worse when those 2 year old temper tantrums start! HAHA. My oldest son who is now 11 was quite a handful at 3. Since he was my first I thought it was definitely my fault, my parenting must just not be good enough. A wild 3 year-old destroys that perfect family image thing. I’ve learned that what is important is not the perfect family but the real family depending on Jesus to get them through everyday. I admire you for being willing to put your struggles out there for all of us to see because parenting is not easy and it is not for the faint-hearted! Enjoy all the precious little moments because time goes by way too quickly! May God bless your family!
Amanda,
I had the most strong-willed child that has ever existed….or at least that is what I have told myself. When he was in the womb, I prayed for a leader who would love people and God gave that to me but I had no idea what that would mean in shaping his character. For the first five years of my son’s life I wondered what kind of mom I was and what kind of man he would turn out to be. If we were sitting down over coffee, I could give you so many stories of how he challenged his dad and myself but since this is just me typing, I want you to know that God grew myself, my husband, and our son in so many ways….and to God’s glory, his dadddy and myself baptized our 8 year old boy a little over a month ago. God is now using that strong will to write “I am a follower of God” and Phil 4:13 on his homework folder for all his second grade friends to see. There were so many days that I cried and could not see God work….and I still struggle with that as a mom, but know that God will use this season to grow and change your family in ways that you could never even ask or imagine! I am “living proof” of that. And it does help to know that Beth Moore’s grandson can be a handful! Thanks for being so real. You are such a blessing. And if we never get that cup of coffee here on earth, I look forward to sitting down with you when we get home and marvel over our two boys who God is using to further His Kingdom.
Many Blessings,
Sarah Rader
Burlington, KY
Oh Amanda, low places in parenting is an awful place to be especially when they get to be 17 and you wonder what’s happened to my child?..What happened to that precious little girl who loved Jesus and being with daddy and momma?.I don’t know her anymore.We didn’t raise her to be sooooo disrespectful and cruel.Why won’t she listen when you tell her the choices she’s making are gonna end bad and you want to spare her the heartache..why won’t she listen? Where is she now..??she got mad.. stormed out the house because she hates us so much. We have prayed and prayed…we brought her up in church..loved her…been there for her…what did I do wrong?? We love her….its not enough..my heart is breaking and I’m so worried about her.
Please pray for us
Amanda,
I thank you so much for sharing this with us. I think it’s easy at times to think we are alone in our struggles. I have a very spirited little 1 year old who has a temper to match the red in hair. And I have a 11 year old girl and a 16 year old son. I’ve struggled with issues with our teen as well as keep hoping and praying that we’re shaping our little 1 year old and her temper in the way God would have us to. I appreciate your openness with us all.
Take care,
Karen
wow!
– Michelle
THANK YOU! I have been at my own wits end today. I can’t fix it, but God can – thank you for reminding me who is in control here!
Dear sweet Amanda
You are so insightful! You are definitely your mothers daughter. Thank you so much for sharing your heart with us. It feels so good to take off the mask, doesn’t it. I did that last weekend at the ministers wives event.
I will be praying for you as you raise your precious children. I am sure one day they will know how truly blessed they are to have
parents like you and Curtis.
Much love!
oh Praise the Lord!!! I am in that “trench” with you, Amanda. I have a 5 1/2 year old son, a 3 1/2 year old son and a 9 month old baby girl. my older two are killing us. KILLING us. i stay at home with them and i feel daily like i am at my wits end. little boys are sooooo very different and i just don’t get them. i’m not sure if i ever will. bug praise God, He keeps giving me another day to try a bit harder. to soften my heart so that maybe their little hearts will be softer and more receptive. thanks for sharing that!!
I’m not the only one! 🙂 Thank you Amanda! Wish I could give you a big hug.
Katrinna
Dearest Amanda,
Do not forget it is hard to give up the position of “center of the universe”, 30 minutes concentrated time can sometimes buy you hours of peace. Shalom
Hang in there, honey, cuz it can really fun to lecture them when they’re old enough to understand what you’re saying ; )
Eat it? Yikes sis…
“In the Desert” by Stephen Crane
In the desert
I saw a creature, naked, bestial,
Who, squatting upon the ground,
Held his heart in his hands,
And ate of it.
I said, “Is it good, friend?”
“It is bitter – bitter”, he answered,
“But I like it
Because it is bitter,
And because it is my heart.”
What the poem does not talk about is what it tastes like when it’s turned to God… taste and see that it is good!
I am so not hungry now, a fan
Thank you for your honesty. You are such a wonderful example of a young godly woman. This is also good for us who have grown children that don’t act right – the way they were raised to act. I felt at my wits end today with adult children that act like toddlers! I will continue to pray that God will continue to change all of us. Mom needs changing too!
this post hits home so much! we are also at our wits end with our two year old daughter and discipline, in addition to daily sleep deprivation and a newborn son that likes to cry while his sister naps each day…
sigh.
so good to know that we’re ALSO not the only ones! thanks for being real, i needed it!
wow… this was so good. When my oldest who is now 15 was that age, I was basically a single mom although I was married at the time, my husband did not help with discipline AT ALL…. Anyway, At three my lil boy who tried me at every turn, was kicked out of the church nursury! Now that is serious.. : ) He had a biting issue and it seemed he was canibalistic all the time… argh! Anyway, I thought I would never make it through those years, but God got me through. The same lil boy is full of fire for God and I pray daily that he sinks his teeth into the truth of God’s Word. Thank you for being real!
Amen, Sister!
Love & hugs,
Gretchen
Thousand Oaks, CA
Thank you so much for sharing this Amanda. While I do not have kids, I’ve been faced with a very humbling situation.
I’m in a spot where others perceive my life as “wonderful” but yet I feel like I’m in a room screaming and no one even flinches.
So it’s hard to be real sometimes because I’m scared I will “let” others down who want to be in the spot that I’m in. I’m scared by showing my flaws….that I would be discouraging to so many that say my life is an encouragement.
But.. this truly ministerd to me.
Love ya sista.
TOTALLY relate. We have a three yr old and a four yr old and my precious, usually eager to please four yr old had me in tears this week. I prayed with her and I’m trying to be very consistent and it has gotten better. It’s really hard to see our child’s sin nature because we love her so much and she’s “perfect” to us. I’ve also learned that God has to help me forgive and move past bad behavior. I can really relate to this post! God bless you in your unflagging efforts to guide and direct your son. I know it’s messy. I’m with ya.
Thank you for being so honest and vulnerable with us. Although I don’t have kids yet, I too struggle with being authentic. My struggle is to truely believe that a god that loves others can love me the same way, when I feel like I have to wear a mask in fear of not being accepted for a profession I once pursued. A profession that so many people are now seeing as being more acceptable today due to our economy.
Thank you for writing this.
Thanks Amanda for being open and honest with us. In all honesty though we knew you weren’t perfect, but also thought with a mom like Beth Moore you had to be close to it. I love how God takes us frail human and reminds us that there is no one perfect none but He. But your openness and love makes us love and adore you even more. Hang in there- they’re not small for long, choose your battles and cherish every moment–it’s worth it! Carla Lee
Thank you so much for sharing. I know it is going to be that experience for me when my little man gets to be 3. He is already strong willed at 7 months. It reminds me of the importance of prayer and believing God with him! I so appreciate you and your ministry!
Thank you Lord !
Thank you Amanda!
This will help me speak truth into the life of my teenager, thank you for being real, I am convinced that is the real reason yours and your moms ministry is blessed by God, the realness speaks like none other!
We just finished Esther tonight and I can’t sleep, never can on bible study nights and now praying what am I going to do???? Get back in the word tomorrow! lol ! God Bless you and know that we siesta’s are praying for you and Curt and the little ones, Jesus will be the reason you make it through!
love ya
Lisa b.
NC
Amanda… Your post was like a breath of fresh air to me! It was so refreshing to read!! God has been delivering me from the pit I’ve been in and I’ve trying to walk humbly and transparently (w/o hanging it “all” out there :)), but SOO many times I feel like the only one who has any issues at all! I often walk into church feeling like the only one who does not have it all together… Man, it’s such a lie! Thanks for your post… and know that discipline now for your 3 year old will make it MUCH easier as he gets older! I’ve been a nanny for years and I can attest to that fact! Blessings to you, dear Amanda! 🙂
Hey Amanda,
You spoke words of great wisdom and strength!!
God will see you through. Stay consistent with Jackson and he will surprise you. My son is now 10 (I’ve managed not to kill him yet) and there have been times when I have said to myself “one of us is not going to make it out alive”. But….we have. Boys are hard at this stage but sister….it gets better. My children are much better when they are away from me than they are at home. But if you stop and think about that…its a good thing. They have to have a place to learn, to test the boundaries and to fail. Where else will they get this but at home.
I remember a time I had to literally drag Isaac out of the grocery store all the while telling the people in the line behind me ” I really don’t care if I win Mother of the Year or not”. One of many episodes.
Stay real and stay close to those in the same situation. You can share ideas on how to curb behaviors etc. You can encourage each other and pray for each other….you’re gonna need that. And of course stay in the word. Get fed and refresh when you can. Your children’s grandparents are eager (I’m betting) to take the babies off your hands for a while.
Bless you for the comments on authenticity. How will a lost world know the Jesus we know if we don’t stay real? How can we share his love, his forgiveness, his mercy and his joy, his peace, his comfort etc., if our lives look like we have no need for these very same things.
Isaac’s Mom
I am 68 years old and I still have a problem with that “mask” thing. What it comes down to is I hang on to my mask because everybody else hangs on to theirs, what a shame!
Thank you for sharing….and I have loved the siesta posts as well. I am not a mother, so my struggles are very different… however the authenticity of your post and everyone else’s was so encouraging. I don’t have to have it all together… In this “facebook” culture, we all put on such a perfect front,and I was starting to feel left out. Agin, I appreciate this post more than you will ever know.
Authenicity — that seems to be the theme for me lately. And thank you so much for sharing this struggle. It’s not easy to parent. It’s hard on the heart and on the psyche. I always wanted to be that perfect Mom — you know the one who was always perfectly dressed in her seasonally themed outfit with her matching hairbow (yes, I’m dating myself). The Mom who brought homemade cookies with each child’s name painted on them. The Mom who always made me feel one step above the bag lady.
I wanted to be her and then I realized that God hasn’t called me to be her. He’s called me to be me — slightly-frazzled, usually optimistic and always up for an adventure. That’s the kind of Mom I am, but it works for me and my girls.
Amanda thanks for being real. I know a new baby is precious and well loved, but she certainly puts a strain on the siblings.
Thank you dear one, Oh that we should bear each other’s burdens- they are real and I’ll never forget when I was helping with a field trip in a very “exclusive” private school- of course, our children(mine included) were accepted because of his/her extraordianry abilities… my son did not seem to be “measuring up” and during this field trip one mother began to mention the accomplishments of her child and other mothers joined in- I turned to my friend driving and confessed”this is not my experience” – she looked me straight in the eyes and said”She is LYING!” I was released!!!! My friend the driver and my spiritual “guide” in that situation is a former ambassador and trust me knows greatness- I have laughed ever sense, knowing we just need to be humble in the Lord and let the false self end itself- parent hood =s humility and most of us have been cut off at the knees- I love your post-Lots of love, Aunt Kathy from Austin
Dear Amanda – Thank you for sharing these encouraging words today. Your words…God’s truth spoken here…have blessed me so. Thank you!
Cindy