Hey, Sweet Things!
As you can see from our title today, our topic is fighting for our marriages! The video is much longer than usual this time around (almost 25 minutes) and very un-slick and unrehearsed. It comes to you with a ton of love, however. I hope you get a chance to view it and, God willing, find some encouragement from it. In the event that you don’t get time, I want to make sure I put some written information here that God could cause to be life changing for a number of you. We talk about a wider range of topics concerning marriage on the video but one of the things I tell you about is a Godly couple I recently met with a profound ministry to those who have been devastated by infidelity. It’s called Affair Recovery and you can learn all about it at www.AffairRecovery.com. Here’s a short bio:
• Affair Recovery is based in Austin, Texas, and is the first company to offer anonymous online group support worldwide for those impacted by infidelity.
• Rick Reynolds brings over 20 years of experience and insight to his role as president and founder of Affair Recovery. [I suggest reading “Rick’s Story online: “In 1984, my marriage was devastated when I betrayed my wife. We had no idea where to turn….” ]
• Rick has counseled over 2,000 couples in-person, and to date 500 couples have completed Affair Recovery’s new online courses.
• They help people heal from the pain of affairs and betrayal.
• All of our materials are created by clinical professionals many of whom have personally experienced infidelity.
• “The introduction of interactive online courses through AffairRecovery.com is a dream come true for me as a marriage counselor,” says Reynolds. “Every day I wondered how we could provide more people out there with the access and support they need, when they need it and in an affordable manner. More importantly, how we could create a community that supports and encourages one another through the recovery process. Now we’re making that happen every day with clients through our online solutions.”
As Rick and Stephanie say,
“”It’s not as hopeless as it feels.”
Wouldn’t it be something if the devil got caught in the snare that he hid for your marriage and you let God restore and redeem all you’ve been through? With God, all things are possible. Even life after betrayal.
Let me say one more thing before I close. I say it on the video but it’s crucial that I say it here, too. Be VERY CAUTIOUS about your comments to this post. We will also be moderating them very carefully so give us plenty of time to post them after you leave them. The purpose of this blog and this post is encouragement and edification in Christ. Please do not divulge secrets, name names, malign or slander, even if you think someone deserves to be outed. I say this with much love and compassion: if you are not in the frame of mind to RECEIVE encouragement and edification or not in the frame of mind to GIVE encouragement and edification, please forego leaving a comment this time around. By all means, participate through reading, listening, praying and considering. You are so loved here, even if you’re madder than a hornet at your spouse and at what you’d call the system.
Many of you on here are involved in various women’s ministries. I hope you are blessed and relieved to know that a Godly framework exists for you to recommend to many who feel hopeless after infidelity.
And in case it’s been a while since anyone said this to any of you, I am so sorry for the hurts that have come to you. God collects your every tear, knows your every fear, and He can take every piece of your fractured heart and create in you a new one. There is life on the other side of absolutely anything if we’re in Christ. Even something that we feel like will nearly kill us. That’s what resurrection power is all about: raising the dead.
I love you so dearly.
Hallelujah for this ministry! I wish I could work with them! I have been on both sides of this issue – I’ve been the betrayer and the betrayed. I thank God every day for saving me and redeeming me before I was the one betrayed. I am living proof that His mercy and grace are greater than all my sin! And that His forgiveness and love can enable us, as followers of Jesus Christ, to extend forgiveness in the most horrendous, heart-breaking circumstances. My 2nd husband had emotional affairs, which he told me about, before he had a full-blown affair. It felt like the Lord had saved me just to throw me into the fire. But I KNEW that Jesus wasn’t going to forsake me, and I was convinced that God didn’t want me to give up. He walked me through every moment, with steadfast love and glimmers of hope, and the faithful prayers and support of godly friends. Sadly, my husband chose to leave several months later and never came back. He remarried quickly and I was left wondering “what now?” The rest of the story is amazing and beautiful and too long to share here, but I want to say to anyone going through this…it is worth it to hang on, to put your hope in the Lord, and to do everything He asks of you. It will be the hardest thing you ever do, and it will hurt like crazy at times. But no matter the outcome, you will know that you have done what is right in the sight of the Lord your God. And to know that relieves all guilt or shame or resentment or bitterness that the enemy would try to put on you. I have seen Him restore marriages to more than they were before. I have experienced Him making beauty from ashes when the marriage isn’t restored. He is able! Oh how I praise His glorious name!!!
With much tenderness and love (and not an ounce of unnecessary shame, praise You Lord), I say “I’ve been there”. My past behavior? Well, “sordid” doesn’t even cover it. The details don’t really matter all that much: I don’t want to give the enemy any more credit or attention than he deserves anymore. So I’ll keep those private.
But I’ll scream this from the rooftops:
JESUS SAVES. HIS GRACE SAVED A WRETCH LIKE ME, and He will certainly save anyone else who cries out to Him.
There’s a reason my screen name is “Redeemed”. I’ve been redeemed from a life of lies, failure, shame and utter destruction. His wounds have paid my ransom.
And He saved my marriage – we are celebrating 23 years together! Out of this past, the Lord has led us into ministry to serve Him and lead others to our wonderful Savior.
Thank you for this post!!! In a society where divorce is the easy out, it is nice to know this subject matter is coming up. The support that is needed is tremendous. My marriage has had it’s valley’s, but Praise be to God we fought. It was not always easy, but with God all things are possible. I have nieces who are 24 and have been married 3 times already. I try to remind them, marriage is special, but you have to fight for it. It will be one of the hardest things to do, but it is so worth it! Thank you Beth for this awesome post!!! God Bless you and your ministry.
I am getting married two weeks from tomorrow. I am so excited, but as a child of divorce I am also scared, if I can be honest. Thank you for this encouragement and your prayers over me and our marriage.
Jenn,
I am a child of divorce too. Be encouraged all the more, I’m convinced, the Lord has kept my marriage together for 6 years now. He is so Good. Don’t be anxious for anything, but keep presenting those requests to the Lord with thanksgiving over your marriage. Be open to the Lord changing you first, not always looking for faults in your husband. Your marriage doesn’t have to end up like your parents. Commit it to the Lord, and pray that He would be the One to completely hold you two together. Only He can. I’ll pray for you and your fiance Jenn. Blessings to you both.
Hey jenn, i’m also a child of divorce. Been married for almost 6 years now to my BEST FRIEND! it took a lot of time to “trust”! Just make sure the man you’re marrying is god’s BEST for you. There WILL be hard times. The enemy WILL want to ruin it. You WILL have to fight for it! my advice? Prayer. “the power of a praying wife” Book is wonderful & continues to save our marriage daily! saying a prayer for you now… That god would give you peace!
I am wondering if this Affair Recovery is only for couples seeking to get back
together? My friend’s husband admitted to having an “emotional affair” and wanted to move out of their marriage, yet not divorce. She has been devastated as he would not even go to couples counseling. They had to sell their home, she had to have a roommate to live, found a job, and has her life in storage. He won’t file for divorce, content to leave things as they are, which I think is very unsettling for her. There is no hope of getting back together yet no true closure for her. Would she benefit from Affair Recovery? If so, i would be willing to share this information with her.
Thank you.
I have not been through their programs/teachings personally, but yes I think they could be of some help for her. Or at least give her some direction. I pray grace, mercy and strength for your friend!
Amie- Affair Recovery helps both couples and also just th hurt and unfaithful spouse. Harboring Hope is a women’s small group for hurt women. Also- Affair Recovery defines infidelity as “the keeping of secrets”, which most definitely includes emotional affairs. Hope this helps- blessings.
I have been through their program and it would surely benefit her whether he seeks reconciliation or not. You can message me personally if you would like more resources to help. It was good friends like you who helped me walk through my journey so thanks on behalf of your friend who I know loves and appreciates you.
Amie, Please tell your friend that there is ALWAYS hope when God is in the picture. My husband & I separated(no affair, emotional or otherwise) but neither one of us filed for divorce. I can’t speak for his reasons but I truly believed that God did not give me permission to divorce my husband and if that meant living apart, so be it. My husband wouldn’t go to counseling either (or church for that matter), but I did. We had a small child at the time and I had to go back to work. It was very difficult and turned our lives completely upside down. BUT…2 1/2 years later God began to slowly put the love back in our marriage and 4 1/2 years later He completely restored our marriage (although He did have to give us a little push to get back together). All that to say – with God ALL things are possible. I will be praying for her and their marriage ~
I have also been through Rick’s program at Affair Recovery. He is wonderful and would it would definitely benefit her to contact them. There IS hope.
Please pray for me as I am being tempted…the attention feels good, but i know its not of GOD i want the attention from my husband who I love dearly for almost 20 years now. Tell me how this happens??? I didn’t think I would ever have these feelings towards another man…HELP!!
This happened to me several years ago, I had been having trouble with my husband being on drugs and felt alone…the devil will use anything to get to you and destroy your worth, crossing the line will do just that…even with forgiveness from your spouse you as a women will feel that you have been damaged by giving into the affair…My advice is to RUN…if I knew then what I do now I would have RUN also…RUN into the arms of Jesus, he is waiting on you to make the right choice.tell your husband how you feel about needed attention, create ways for him to show you attention.have an affair with your Husband, start new…I wish my husband would have stopped using drugs and we would still be together today…but an affair is not the answer!
Kelly, it has happened to me – 20 years ago – and yes, the attention does feel good but as Beth told someone earlier on this blog, RUN as fast as you can, it’s not worth it.
Kelly, this is Rick Reynolds from Affair Recovery. You wrote “Tell me how this happens????” I don’t know all the answers, but I know that my Lord and Savior was tempted so I can’t help but believe we will also be tested. At one level I grieve for you, but I also rejoice knowing that it’s only by coming to the end of self that we finally surrender to God. In my journey I learned I didn’t need the right answers, I needed to be asking the right questions. (If you look at the gospels Jesus was a lot more into asking the right questions than he was in giving answers). For me the question wasn’t “which woman made me happier?”, rather it was “What will bring me real life; God or my relationships with women. Once I made that decision I found freedom and life. All I had to do was follow where He led. I will be praying for you.
Rick,
Thanks so much for replying!! God did answer my prayers to bring me away from this temptation, the man told me he didn’t think this should continue, the rejection hurt, but I know its an answer to prayers. The relationship never got physical, only in the heart, which i know is the same. My self worth at this time is nothing, i cannot believe that i a christian woman went even this far. I know how disappointed GOD is in me and I so ashamed. Thanks again for the words, and please continue to pray!!
Kelly, yes it feels good. Sin does for a season. It’s a deception of the enemy. I’m one month out of having 2 emotional, slightly physical affairs. I got lots of “negative” attention from men when I went back to work. All I can say is I wish I would have chose to run from the sin. After you come out of it, it isn’t such a good feeling. It’s like an addiction that’s hard to quit. Along comes the guilt, self condemnation…so on. Please seek the Lord mitigate all your heart and pray with all your might! Blessings!
Kelly, yes it feels good. Sin does for a season. It’s a deception of the enemy. I’m one month out of having 2 emotional, slightly physical affairs. I got lots of “negative” attention from men when I went back to work. All I can say is I wish I would have chose to run from the sin. After you come out of it, it isn’t such a good feeling. It’s like an addiction that’s hard to quit. Along comes the guilt, self condemnation…so on. Please seek the Lord with all your heart and pray with all your might! Blessings!
Kelly,
I will lift you up in prayer. I am a woman who has been deceived multiple times by the good feelings of sin that the enemy put in front of me. Unfortunately I did not run( though I knew I should have been). The end result was many people being hurt, broken marriages and a long journey back to the reality of Gods grace.
Please, please, PLEASE get as far away from this man as you can. Take drastic measures to get away and have no contact. Surround yourself with people who love you, and find people to be accountable to. Finally, remind yourself of your commitment to your husband and of all the reasons you married him. The enemy has a way of tempting us with what we feel we are missing and it’s easy to start comparing our spouse to others. I beg you to stay away from that dangerous trap.
God is fighting for you and will give you what you need to walk away from this. Thank Him for it and go now!!!!!
thank you, Beth. May God bring healing. I have shared this link with just about everyone I know this morning.
Thank you, Beth and LPM for always being real! Thanks for keeping the reality of marriage–the joys and trials–in front of us single girls! I certainly do not have any fairytale vision of marriage. I pray that I will always have the truth, “it COULD happen to us!” at the forefront of my marriage. No one is exempt from Satan’s methods and schemes. I just watched the Psalm 19 DVD lesson in the new David series, last night–so the idea “if it can happen to DAVID, it can happen to ANYONE” is fresh on my heart. Your lesson points are appropriate to note here:
1. LOVE THE WORD (v.7-9)
2. Heed the WARNING (v.11)
3. Seek the DISCERNMENT (v.12a)
4. De-vault the VAULT (v.12b)
5. Fear WILLFUL sin (v.13)
God’s Word has given us everything we need for life and godliness! Praise His worthy name!
I want to give God praise for healing my marriage 20+ years ago. I had Godly councel from pastors and teachers, and many Godly women held my arms up through prayer and encouragement when I thought the battle was hopeless. TO GOD BE THE GLORY!!!
Praise God for this resource! While I did not actually use it myself, I can testify to the amazing, healing power of God in marriage! My husband and I are in the season of God’s restoration after betrayal, and while it has NOT been easy~ God is faithful and has truley done a miracle in BOTH of us! There is HOPE! The God that we serve offers redemption for anything we suffer or face and through Him healing and restoration are possible.. I am a living breathing testiomony of that and so is our marriage~ Never in my wildest dreams (or nightmares for that matter) did I think God would use something so awful and create something more beautiful than before.. but thats what He did.. Honoring His Word to work together EVERYTHING for good (Romans 8:28) if we will let Him!
Hang in there ladies if you are in the stage of absolute brokennes & hurt.. “for those who look to Him,their faces are radiant.. they will never be covered with shame..”
Psalm 34:5
Lisa
Thank you, Beth, for listening to the Spirit’s urging! My husband has struggled with pornography since a young teen. Thankfully, he was honest with me before we married, 20 years ago this December. I have prayed and prayed for him and our marriage, as it at times greatly affected our relationship. Pornography is a huge infidelity! Unfortunately, nothing seemed to change, try as he did to stop viewing images and looking at women in a lustful way. As my mother advised before we got married, I just had to keep on forgiving over and over (which gets so difficult)!
A few years ago I came across a wonderful website that I used for myself (on looking at food/weight/etc. God’s way) – settingcaptivesfree.com. They have several online Bible studies complete with volunteer advisors. Praise the Lord!!! After all these years, my husband is going through their study and I believe is being set free from the grip of Satan in the area of pornography! I am praying this freedom will continue the rest of our lives, to the wholeness and freedom in our marriage, and to the glory of God!
Please pray with me that God will continue to do His powerful work in both my husband’s and my life. Please pray that my husband will continue in the Word and daily worship, intimately with our God, that he has the strength and will to resist the devil and his minions. Please pray that I will take heart (and remember HE has overcome – we just have to claim victory) and keep praying, forgiving, and supporting!
Thank you, sweet Mama and sisters. . .God bless and give you an amazing day in His presence!
Hey @Me, I don’t know if you’ve heard of the resource “Covenant Eyes” but it’s a great one that me and my man use and it’s fairly cheap…only $8/month, I think. You set up “accountability partners” to receive weekly emails so that you can monitor what your partner is viewing online. My husband has been greatly impacted by this tool, and says he finally feels victory over this area in his life (praise be to God!). Here’s a link for more info: http://www.covenanteyes.com/
Sweet Sister…
I have also been with my husband 20 years. And I have been where you are.
And I am sad to admit I also have been the addict. To say that it has a powerful hold would be an understatement.
The reason I mention my own struggle with it is to say I understand both sides very personally. While in the midst of it the devil is good at convincing you there is nothing wrong with it. You can’t understand what the big deal is. Pray that his eyes would be opened to the true evil. Once your eyes are open the real healing can begin.
And once your eyes are open to truth something very special can happen. You can begin to look into each other’s eyes and see only the other. True intimacy comes from within the very depth of your being. Two dimensional paper or video can never replace the feelings that come from looking deep into your spouse’s eyes and sharing your very core. When your husband sees this for the first time he will never look back to the pornography. It will mean nothing to him because you will be what he desires.
There is HOPE and HEALING. ((hugs)) We went through some dark days but we came out the other side. We have both been freed from that hold. Completely freed. It has been a couple years now of none of that garbage in our home. Praise Jesus!
I will be praying for you…truly. It hurts my heart to know how many marriages suffer through this alone because of the shame and embarrassment associated with it.
Thank you sweet sister. I just found out last week about marriage “secrets” and I am devastated. Thank you for sharing your story. It gives me hope.
This is so God to confirm my prayers! I was really pressing into prayer for so many marriages yesterday morning and then get this video last night!! He just amazes me every time He does something like that!! This year especially has been a God growing year and a spiritual fight for many marriages close to me! I have trusted God when He says Matthew 19:6 (NIV) “So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”
Thank you for confirming that I still must continue to pray for these special unions God has created!! I just love you guys!!! Keep up the good work, and I pray God continues to bless each and every one of you!!!
PS SO excited we are going to FamilyLife Weekend to Remember in San Antonio, Nov. 18-20…first time away from our 2 yr old! May God work in a mighty way among all the couples!
Me,you should order a wonderful book that was just released this summer, “Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken”. It’s by Cindy Beall and her website and story is at cindybeall.com. I knew Cindy and her husband many years ago when they were newly married. Their story will give anyone hope.
i love what you had to say about living a life full of forgiveness and forgiving others. this was a great message about fighting for our marriages and i took a lot of encouragement from this. my husband and i celebrated nine years of marriage last week and are going to be welcoming our third child in four weeks. PRAISE GOD for our marriage and thank you beth, for you care.
I have been married for almost 15 years and we have both not made very good choices. Almost 5 years ago we split up due to it but the time apart gave us time to get closer to God. God restored our marriage. When we look back now, with most of our hurts healed, we know that the trial we went through made us stronger. Our love grew stronger BC we gave our marriage to God and admitted we messed it up. I am so glad to hear that this is out there, it is such a blessing! Thank you for sharing Beth!
I know a woman who was ministered to by Affair Recovery. It is an amazing ministry.
I have been married 20 yrs. and I am fighting for my marriage. My parents divorced after 36 years of marriage, and it was devastating for everyone except the parent who left. Time and God and counselors all helped us.
Thank you. Years ago I left an abusive marriage that was not changing and the greatest wound was left on my sweet daughter. She was THE Reason I left — I didn’t have enough personal value at the time to leave for myself but when it went down hill and she was personally impacted, I RAN (really I waddled because I was pregnant). And, I have to testify that God was so close to me during those months. It was such a time of pain but He was so close and I knew. I just knew he was there. And, He was there for my girl. You should see her now.
Anyway, the church created terrific wounds on us because abusers are great liars. And today, God allowed me to hear your words not as what I “didn’t get.” You understand – a healed marriage. Rather, I heard your words as soothing to my heart and it placed in me a great passion to pray for the future marriages of my children. Thank you.
I didn’t know how tender that area of my heart was until I heard you speak into it. Somehow, hearing my teacher talk into this area that hurt me so badly, added a layer of healing.
I’ve never told someone that I didn’t know very well that I love them. I believe there is such power and sincerity in those words. But, I love you, sweet and wonderful teacher.
Thank you.
I love you, too.
I have a very wise friend, that when she was battling for her marriage told me that every day she prayed “God You know that I don’t love ….. at this minute, but I am willing to let You love him through me. She practiced what she prayed and at the end fell more in love with her husband than ever before. They just celebrated 20 plus years, and are holding hard to each other as they battle their second round of breast cancer. God is so very very good.
Thank you SO much for this Word from God, and thank you for the integrity with which all of you run this blog!
My husband & I have been on the journey to restoration for the past 2 1/2 years now. It was then that he found out I had been having an affair with a co-worker. Not only that affair, but had had 2 others as well as an emotional affair with a close friend. The stuggle to get through this is beyond what anyone should ever have to bear… the offended as well as the offender! We chose to save the marriage, mainly for the sake of our 2 children (middle school aged), but God has opened my eyes & my heart to what an amazing man HE blessed me with! I grew up in a family that was disfunctional to say the least, I was sexually abused by my father & resented my mother for staying with him, even though that was the best councel she received at the time. I sometimes wonder if my husband & I will ever have the marriage I hope for & that I feel God wants for us. He is a christian, but I am not so sure that he it totally relying on God to help him through it all. That is the hardest part for me… wanting so much for him to put his complete faith & trust in THE HOLY ONE, as I am doing, but I can’t force that on him. God has sent word that restoration in its fullness is here… I am clinging to that every single day!! I won’t let go! I really want to be the wife & mother GOD has called me to be. Leaving the past behind!
Thank you, siesta Mama for bringing these resources to us… to me! I needed this, for sure! I am going to pass the info along to my sweet hubby also! 🙂
Thank you, Beth for this blog. My husband and I are working toward recovery. Last year he confessed that he had several online affairs. I was heart broken. We sought Christian counsel. We went together and separately. God is the ONLY reason for us staying together. I’m still working on trusting my husband again. I have my good days and bad. We do have a praise in the middle of all this we found out we were pregnant.( I hadn’t been pregnant in ten years.) We named our son Isaac.
Glory to GOD! Glory will be seen
“It is not a matter of if you tell but of when you tell.” This is the one piece of advice that changed my life for the better when I was the one in the position of needing to come clean and confess infidelity. I asked for prayer. I prayed and waited for the right moment. With fear and trembling I confessed my sin. I received forgiveness. It wasn’t easy. There are some consequences that never go away. But there is life after infidelity. Choose life!
So powerful! I had to share it on my Facebook wall. Thank you!
So powerful! I had to share it on my Facebook wall. Thank you!
I would like to tell you, Beth, that your admonition to pray to fall in love with my husband again,,,, and again,,,, and again has really made a difference in our home. I am astounded in the changes in the atmosphere and gentle kindness between us. We have fallen in love again and I thank you and Jesus !!!!! Life is Good!
My mom ADORED that book, How People Grow. She is a born again follower of Jesus and loves the mind/psychology and just kept saying, ‘you should read this.’
I am single but I love how I feel like I am in Marriage Training bootcamp; receiving information and encouragement before hand to be used if/when I need it, Lord willing one day.
I do just AMEN your prayer and I loved the part about if there is a shred of softened heart, start there. What a great reminder that all you need is a mustard seed. I do pray that all couples LORD that need healing will be honest and bring their issues and hurts and weaknesses and pain to YOUR alter and watch and see what you will do. IN JESUS name Amen
Siesta M – I adore you!
Speaking from a divorced woman’s perspective, I don’t feel condemned for filing or for the message Beth just gave. My daughter is getting married on 11.11.11, and I pray fervently for her upcoming marriage and that there will be no more divorces in our family line…period. I can tell you that I gave my all to save my marriage, but the key that I heard throughout the message and all other messages regarding this issue is that both people have to be willing to fight for the marriage…one person cannot do it.
Please know that divorce was agony. It was a long hard painful, excruciatingly painful, process.
I have to say that I am thankful for divorce because I’m not sure I wouldn’t have had a breakdown or a heart attack had I not gotten out when I did.
To all those single ladies out there, trust the LORD. Be content in your circumstance. Being single is much better than being in a bad marriage.
If you choose not to post this, I completely understand that, too. But, I just had to say what I did.
I totally agree, Dana. My husband was an alcoholic and bipolar (which I didn’t know). Our marriage was very difficult and divorce was being considered. He chose to permanently leave the marriage and his family by committing suicide. My marriage was so bad that I have not even dated in the 13 years since he has been gone. I would rather be single for the rest of my life than go back to a marriage like I had. God has been good through all of this. He is my husband and the father to my children. To God be the Glory!
My husband has had an affair with crack cocaine for 20 years, I had to leave the home with my 4 boys two months ago. I told him I wished he had just slept with someone.I cant handle loosing my home, cars and our life because of addiction any more.I am for once in a stable place for my kids and myself. I pray God restores what is left of me and my heart.Please pray for my family….
What a great video! Thank you so much for praying that wonderful prayer over all us siestas! Our church has a ministry called Marriage 911 that helps couples who feel as if there is no hope left in their marriages. I have been able to be a supporter for a girl in that group and have been blessed by seeing her whole outlook on marriage change through the program. How awesome that there are people out there who take their hurt and pain from infidelity and turn it into something to help others. God truly makes beauty from ashes. Have a wonderfully blessed day, siestas!
I would like for you all to join me in praying for a dear, dear couple that needs healing, forgivness and restoration from and affair that went on for 20 years. Some of that time with the other spouse knowing about it. It also adds to it that the other person was in the family. I found all of this out a few months ago and my heart has been broken over it.
Issues in their marriage make so much since now that I know of this. Of course it is taking a lot to get over this. One spouse has asked for forgivness and wants to move on, while the other struggles to understand why.
I have cried out to the LORD for this dear couple. Please also pray for me to know what to say and do to help.
My precious siestas,
A little over three years ago, I was a pastor’s wife who was homeschooling her kids and just cruising along in life. In the blink of an eye, my life forever changed when my husband confessed massive pornography and sexual addiction that had morphed into him acting out with many people over a number of years. My world was rocked. I thought the pain would kill me. I had no hope that I would ever stop crying. But God. But God. But GOD! But God in all of His goodness, picked me up and allowed me to see the very sick and broken man my husband had become and also gave me a vision for who he could be if I was willing to walk the loooooong road of recovery from this kind of betrayal.
Three years later, we are healed (more like continually healing) and using our story for His glory by sharing at churches and conferences and retreats. I was determined from day one that the Enemy would NOT have my marriage or my family and that whatever the heck he was trying to accomplishing by crashing this into my life, he was going to be sorry for it. The Lord has proven Himself more than faithful and capable to make beauty from ashes. Today, my husband celebrates his 40th birthday and I couldn’t be more proud of the man he has allowed God to make him. I would never have imagined three years ago that I could utter those words (great counseling, excellent resources, and godly friends have made that possible.)
So, press on, my sisters. There is goodness ahead.
Love,
Nikki
P.S. I have done the “Harboring Hope” program which the Affair Recovery Center offers and can say it would be an encouragement to your heart if you have been betrayed. I also am willing to have you message me if you need recommendations for resources that would help assist your recovery. There are some that God used in remarkable ways to heal my very wounded heart. Love to you, my siestas.
Are there ever still tears? Our stories have some remarkable similarities. I’m so sorry you had to endure such pain. Did you ever ask God why He allowed this into your life? I want to be better at this than I am. Some days I still cry a lot.
Oh yes, my sister, there are still tears at times (so much less frequently than I ever thought possible) because it is a loss. A death, if you will. A tragic loss of what was and what could have been. And I have asked God a million times why He could ever think this would be a good idea for my life. He has been very patient with my injured heart and shown me goodness and hope on the other side. I thought I would never (and I mean never) be well. There were days I couldn’t get out of bed or off of the floor b/c the grief was so overwhelming. But God has healed and loved and tenderly put me back together. I never thought I would be able to be in the same room with this man again, let alone love him. But here we are…loving and putting life back together again side by side. God is in the business of making all things new. You and your marriage included. Hang on, friend. There is sweetness after you’ve passed through the valley of the shadow of death. If you need to talk more, you can email me at nikki dot brungard at gmail dot com. Love you, siesta.
This is a subject that is very dear to me. I am currently going through a divorce that was brought about by the circumstances you describe. It is with much prayer and this thing nearly killing me that I finally have agreed to this step. I have fought for my family and home for 6 years now. At times, I felt like I was wrestling with Satan himself trying to wrench my husband from his hands with everything I had within me. I know that God was right there with me shielding me even from falling in the pit myself. There have been many prayers from many a prayer warrior on this one. But in the end it is my husband’s choice alone, one I can’t make for him, no matter how desperately I try. In fact my love for my husband is so real and there is no anger or bitterness toward him. I give God the glory for that amazing miracle in me. He has done a mighty work in me and I have grown closer to Him than I could ever imagine possible. My Lord is precious to me and the lifter of my head each and every day. I don’t get up in the morning because I have it in me, it is because He causes the sun to shine on me and give me the grace I need to put my feet on the floor. And I am not sad and sulking, He has put joy inside of me that is supernatural. I know that sometimes people look at me and say mercy what is with her. I am ready to give over my story of which God has written every page and let Him redeem the ashes and use me however He sees fit. I pray that one day that something I say or do will help another woman go through some of the same things I have endured. That I can give her hope and point her to my Sustainer.
Oh Christi – you’re story is so similar to mine, and I can tell you that God will answer your prayer to help another woman one day! The fight you’ve fought has not been in vain. And please don’t let anyone ever make you feel like you failed. Love NEVER fails. What looks like failure in the world’s eyes is worked for good in the life of a believer EVERY SINGLE TIME. Be blessed dear sister.
Several years ago my husband had an affair. It was brief, but the turmoil and the pain that followed have not been brief. Only by God’s grace and His sustaining hand have we survived and become what we are today. Saving marriages has become my life’s passion now. I never dreamed infidelity would be a part of my life’s story. Many days I still cry, I ache really. It’s a heartache that only God can heal. I remember looking my father-in-law in the face and telling him I wasn’t going to let the enemy have my marriage. What I didn’t realize at that moment, was the enormity of the battle ahead. Satan wants godly marriages to fail, he wants godly people to fall and to suffer. He wants us so consumed with our pain that we become blind to the needs of the world. I know. I still fight that. Sometimes I wonder why God allowed this pain into my life, sometimes I struggle with trusting Him since all this happened. I have even doubted my salvation at times, worried that perhaps I am not one of His chosen children, left on the outside looking in wishing I could belong to Him. If I struggle with forgiveness and anger after three years, can I really be one of His chosen children? It is a battle over worth and value and love and being chosen. If my husband didn’t choose me, perhaps God hasn’t either. In the end, though, my husband did choose me, he chose our family, he chose to do what God had called him to do. We struggle daily, but God is faithful and He heals. In many ways our marriage today is much stronger and much better than it ever was. For that I am thankful. Ladies, please pay attention to your marriages, and please fight for them. I intend to make Satan sorry he messed with us.
Beth, you often say that God allowed what happened to you to happen so that you could be who you are now, and do what you are doing now. Is that what helped the pain go away? Do you ever still hurt because of those things that happened to you?
Thank you for this post. It is so needed. The statistics are frightening, and behind all those numbers are hearts that are breaking, lives that are falling apart, children whose lives are in turmoil. God wants so much more for our marriages.
God’s divine intervention and timing never cease to amaze me. My first thought when I seen the Blog Post was “no way, how did you know, Beth!” Because of your obedience and moving in the prompting of what God has placed on your heart has certainly accomplished it’s purpose in my life today. Thank you sweet sister.
I am humbled, encouraged and know without a shadow of a doubt that God sent this message to me and many others who are standing for the restoration of their marriages today. May we all move in HIS STRENGTH and POWER in this massive effort to bring Him glory and praise. Zech. 4:6, Not by might nor by power, but by your spirit, Lord Almighty, we will ALL be able to forgive.
My goodness its amazing to see how the divine timeline works!
I am currently a budding Marriage and Family Therapist in graduate school and am constantly in contention and prayer over the divinely orchestrated gift of marriage. I attended the Living Proof Session in Minnesota a few months back and remember a very salient session during the “entangled”-themed services. During one of the sessions where Mrs. Moore was discussion the story of Daniel and how he had a divine mandate to untangle the knots that people bring to him, she asked all those who are in the counseling field to stand up. I was one of the few women standing, and took very much to heart the divine call to stand on the frontline of marriage in our nation. Though I am the least of these as far as experiences are concerned, I can speak with full blessed assurance that reconciliation is a miracle orchestrated by the fingers of the God of the Ages Himself.
I was meditating on the story of the Wedding at Cana, in John 2, when the Holy Spirit spoke His heart over both individuals, and the marriage unit as well. When Jesus had the jars brought to Him, they were full of plain old water, which no one, especially the bridegroom, would consider something to be celebrated. However, with a simple breath Jesus called them to draw out of those same vessels wine that was not just a substitute for the water, but was of the best reserve. The master of the feast thus expresses to the bridegroom , ” Everyone serves the good wine first, and when people have drunk freely, then the poor wine. But you have kept the good wine until now.” This is so the heart of Christ for those who are suffering within the entaglements of unholy relationship. While the world takes so freely of the pearls God has planted withn the hearts of His children, there is a miracle that occurs in reconciliation. Much like the vessels full of water, the heart of our Father is one that radically transforms the life which has been ransacked freely by the enemy, and will present it before the lover of our souls, the Bridegroom, the Lamb of God Himself as the BEST, most pure and spotless offering as a reward for His suffering.
Reconciliation in Marriage is such a miracle. The fight is worth it, because it is a revelation of the Holiness of our God, and that miraculous transformation of one that has been a simple earthen vessel filled with water which seemingly nothing left to offer, and is turned into a picture of a Divine Design which is offered to the Bridegroom at the end of the age as the best.
I suppose what my heart is desiring to impart to His women is that I believe that God can heal;in fact, I am believing in the Spirit today that He will heal and reconcile the Bride to Himself, including the husbands and wives that are entangled within the trap that so easily ensares us. Like we see at the wedding at Cana, He always has a plan, and its always for His glory.
Soli deo Gloria, siestas.
Listen,
I know someone is gona say Oh, Here she is again with another story how could one person have so many things happen in thier life she HAS to ba a fake!” No! This is true cross my heart and all the rest!!!
When our kids were both so sick we spent endless time on the road between home and Mayo clinic. Things were not so great in our marriage. David had a brother he farmed with and there were afew rumbles how we were gone so much. We always went together for appointments. Heaven knows some times the kids’ lives were literally hanging in the balance we never knew. There was a tremendous amount of pressure on David I can not even begin to tell you all that went on in that farm partnership. There was abuse to David as is common in close partnerships of a farming origen. It is a dark secret noone speaks of. Anyway because David suffered at the hands of his abuser, he began to be both verbally and sometimes physically abusive to me. I was never afraid for the kids but I was for myself. I went to a local shelter twice. Those were days I wish I could forget. I lost my mother during those years and had no close friends so I felt very isolated which is common as well. I was involved in some secular support groups and counseling services. They all talked of divorce as the only option. When I once spoke up and said I had hoped to save my marriage they did not know what to say!! The easy thing would have been to leave. I believed in my marriage enough to want to save it. Now I do not say it is the right thing in many cases but mine was not severe enough that I felt my life was in danger but I was fearful. My husband sought counseling and got help from a much better counselor. I did as well. Then my years of mood instablity started and it was a long process until I could finally say just a short time ago that my mood problems are over. Praise God!!!
Would I say we lived happily ever after? No I don’t know if you can ever say that. Marriage takes alot of committment and much, much, prayer and dedication. You must spend every single day in Bible study and prayer asking for the Lord’s help for your lives. We have been married 40 yrs this year. We have been through many hardships and struggles. We have been through hard times of finacial difficulties, death,losses of large magnitudes. We have also been through times of great laughter, sunshine, great crops, beautiful sunsets while riding horseback through our gorgeous ND Badlands. We have been on cruises, enjoyed great things together. We have counseled friends around the kitchen table over coffee. Would I trade any of it? Not for the world!
I am in my sixth decade of life and I do have to say I have expereinced so much in my life. All of it to further the great Kingdom of God for whom all things both great and small work together for good to those who love Him are called according to His purpose. Praise be to him! Betty M
Thank you so much for this post. I SOOO needed it today. My husband of 19 years left me and my two boys last April out of the clear blue sky. He was a part-time worship leader as well as having another very stressful, full-time job. He did not have an affair, but just could not handle the pressure of home and work and life any longer. He filed for divorce a week after leaving and I was devastated. Through the great support of my church and close friends, I survived the initial shock, and over the last six months have grown in my relationship with God in ways I never imagined possible. Your book, When Godly People Do Ungodly Things, also really helped me.
God has also sustained in me a great love for my husband, despite living through this same kind of abandonment by my father as a child (at the same age as my oldest son is now). I have loved my husband and have daily shared that love with him throughout this time, and he is slowly coming back. He had the divorce dismissed and we are getting close to going into counseling together, but the boys and I see him regularly and I fully trust that God will completely restore our marriage in the future, in the way He intended it to be all along, not in the way we were functioning in our own effort in the past.
The last two days have been rough, though. The push/pull of our interactions break my heart at times, so your reminder of His resurrection power today was God’s perfect timing. I cannot imagine where I would be without God and His precious son, Jesus, through this mess, and while I would not wish this on anyone (or myself, ever again), I have a whole new relationship with God and am living in His Spirit in a way I never had to before, when I relied on my husband or myself for most things. I anxiously await the glory that will be God’s when we come out the other side of this experience, although He has already been greatly glorified in what He has already done for my family.
Please pray for my family and especially for my husband. Part of his struggle is with his faith and he is having to re-think what he believes about God. It’s a good questioning that I pray will ultimately bring him to the real truth about how God loves us and what that looks like when we live it out.
My dear Siestas,
As someone committed to the celibate life I don’t have much to offer except my prayer. I pray often for the sanctity of marriage. Stay strong!
My love, Sister Lynn
thank you so much for this, Beth. i am definitely “pro-marriage” and i believe God is too. it’s so vital to fight when we have the chance!
just over a year ago, my husband confessed to multiple instances of unfaithfulness. *only* through God’s grace was i able to forgive him on the spot, and only through God’s astounding faithfulness have i been able to choose forgiveness, daily, over the course of this past year. just a few days after he told me, i registered for our women’s bible study at church… the study: “Breaking Free”. and basically that is the reason i’m still standing. only, *better* than before, stronger, more deeply in love with my God and my dear husband. (he really is a good man. i am so thankful for him. talk about an intense bondage he had been under, to do things like that) there is nothing like redemption and restoration and freedom. nothing like it. God is so faithful. i would be nowhere if i hadn’t clung desperately to Him. and He has proven in my life that His Word really does have power to demolish strongholds. the “psychological warfare” (using your term from the Esther study) has been intense, to say the least, and has brought me to my knees most days. and i think that’s exactly where God wanted me, where He could work most profoundly in me. i can’t even describe what He’s brought me out of and i never want to go back. to God be all glory!
i have to add: though God could have used anything to pull me out of my pit, He used *your teaching* in Breaking Free (coupled with, and only successful because of, the matchless power of His Spirit) … so i wanted to thank you for being obedient to His calling, to allow Him to use your pain for *our* good. that’s what you mean by destiny, isn’t it 😉
PS it’s ok if you don’t publish this 🙂 i just hope you get a chance to read it.
20 years ago I was led into sin by an authority figure in my life. Yes, I should have said no but I gave in and for that I am responsible. It didn’t last long before I came to my senses, stopped believing his lies and ended the whole thing. I must say I enjoyed the attention but he wanted more! I kept it a secret until my husband started having some kind of crisis in his life last year and began questioning, with his counsellor, whether I was the right one for him. One thing led to another and the story came out. He was absolutely devastated. The pain was unimaginable for both of us. His reaction was extreme and I suffered such abuse – verbal, emotional and eventually physical. His counselling seemed to make him worse. Then I discovered he was having an emotional affair with a woman that started on face book and before he even knew about me. What a mess. Over a year later things are much better and we have at last started counselling together. But he won’t let go of his desire for revenge against the other man and is sceptical about Christians and the Church. I feel so awful about that. The only thing that kept me going through those initial months of hell was God and scripture and my prayer partner and my faithful Bible study ladies. Beth, I carried scriptures on cards wherever I went – a real lifesaver. Today, reading these stories, I have been so encouraged by all the stories of life after, and how God can restore and make the marriage even better. Only God! Even though we have a long way to go, we are so much closer and one of my favorite verses has become “My God turned the curse into a blessing for me because He loves me” Deut 23:5 NIV. What Satan meant for harm is being turned around. So Beth, thank you for this topic. I have often wanted to write to you with my story because it seemed to me that, because of what you have shared about your story, you would understand, not condemn and give me words of hope and encouragement. I have found those in abundance here today. For those of you who are tempted, it’s not worth it; for those of you who have fallen, there is forgiveness; for those of you who have been hurt, try to forgive. God bless you all.
Boy, did this strike a cord with me! Was betrayed years ago and it was more painful than I could have ever imagined. Never felt a release from God to go so by His grace & mercy & strength I stayed and am so blessed that I did. Forgiveness is still a daily choice. He still needs to forgive himself, so I ask that you pray for my husband to forgive himself for his actions. Not saying what he did is ok; just saying it’s behind us and let’s move on. For him not to forgive himself allows the enemy to maintain a bit of a stronghold on him and to allow “her” to remain in the middle of our future. Read a great devotion this morning from my favorite teacher, “LBM” (aka Little Beth Moore) and she said “We can do all things through Christ, if we’re not afraid to try.” From one who’s lived through it, let me encourage you to try so you can see all that you can do through Christ and all He can do for you.
I remain blessed.
Thank you so much for your words of encouragment… we need to hear positive words to us so we continue on, in the name of our Lord Jesus, fighting for our families, and today as you reminded us, to pray and fight for our marrigaes!!!
Thank you for your willigness to sare in thhis media form… we need encouragment!!!
Lord bless!
Dear Beth and everyone at LPM:
I want you to know that I’m a follower of this blog and I’ve completed – and led – many of your Bible studies and enjoyed them all. I think the video you’ve chosen to share is important and very encouraging to the many married women who take part in this blog community. But I also feel that sometime in the future it might be a good idea to post something similar for the single participants, as well. Married Christian women don’t have the market cornered on battles and trials and pain and difficulties. It can be tough, especially in the church and in ministries, because it seems as if we’re regularly being told to “not feel any condemnation” while married women’s issues are addressed and our issues go unanswered. Just something to consider.
Dear Melanie,
As a single woman I understand what you are saying. But please keep in mind Titus 2:3-5.
“3 the older women likewise, that they be reverent in behavior, not slanderers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things, 4 that they may admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, 5 to be obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed”. Titus 2:3-5 NKJV
Beth and the LPM staff are teaching us according to God’s word. The beauty of it for us as single women who follow this blog is that we get the teaching now.
The teachings we are receiving now will hopefully keep us from falling for the sugar coated lies of the Devil in our future marriages. As I told my Bible study students, married and single women, on this past Wednesday night, sugar coating is only good on Frosted Flakes. Not in marriages or in being prepared for marriage.
Now granted there are issues that we as single Christian women face. My suggestion to you would be to first search God’s word, pray, get a prayer partner if you don’t have one and befriend a wise older woman. (Back to Titus 2:3-5)
True, married women do not have the corner on battles, trials and difficulties but they are in a covenant relationship that we are not in. A covenant relationship that the Devil wants to destroy because he can then attempt to destroy the entire family. As single women we must lift up our married sisters (Siestas) in prayer. To tell you the truth I am terrified of being married. So I see singleness as a blessing. Sometimes lonely but a blessing all the same.
Learn from your married sisters. God sees where you are, He knows your troubles and concerns. Turn to Him for the answers you seek. Singleness is very hard mentally, physically and emotionally but God can see us through it all.
Much Love,
Jamie
http://www.saltyandbright.blogspot.com
Hey y’all-
I just wanted to send out a word of encouragement for those of you who have suffered through divorce and may be feeling like you have failed God in some way and are now undeserving of His love. Listen, sisters, we are all undeserving of His love no matter our past or our marital status, but that is the beauty of our Maker. He loves us despite our sinful nature. There is nothing and no one that He can’t redeem. Siestaville is a city on a hill and we are all here to help your light shine bright and to help you see how though we are all unworthy we can glorify Him and bask in his love.
Beautiful words Ashley….
Adrienne
I was going through the valley of infedelity at the time I found out about the Memory Verse Challenge. I was in such a pit of despair, had gone to recovery meetings and counseling and friends and pastors and was sill suffering beyond what I could handle. I had nothing left – except God. The scripture memory has helped me tremendously in my recovery from an immeasurable type of pain. It is no wonder that my first verse came from Colossians:
It is strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into joy, thanking the Father who makes us strong enough to take part in everything bright & beautiful that He has for us.
Can I get an Amen? There is no way that I could have done this on human strength. Thank you Beth for your ever constant reminders that we are cherished, loved and desired by the Kingdom of God.
Praise the Lord for this site!!!!
My husband and I have walked the road of infidelity ourselves. So thankful to hear the Reynold’s story.
Thank you, Sweet Beth.
THANK YOU!
I am currently leaving a toxic and abusive relationship of over 40 years. If I had thought divorce was a good option I likely would have left before now. But I kept believing God for a miracle and it has not come. To save my sanity and physical health I finally had to trust that God was with me and make the move to leave. God has never been so real and provided so miraculously, as He has in the last month. Beth, thank you for saying that if you are unsafe, separate. However, you mentioned the safety of children, physical abuse and sexual abuse. I believe that emotional/physiological abuse is every bit as devastating, maybe even more so than physical abuse, because not one else knows, nor are the wound visible to the human eye. So we remain trapped in the power of the secret. As a general rule, abuse is only rarely mentioned in the church and certainly not emotional abuse. At least that has been my experience. I hope your ministry and others will continue to address these and other tough and ‘hidden’ issues. I would not be ‘clothed and in my right mind’ at all, if God had not had me in His Word with you for the last 14 years. The scripture memory has been a life line to me the last 10 months and though I have few ‘word perfect’ just mediating on them has been so helpful. Keep up the good work and know I will be in the audience, again, Lord willing, when you come in Kansas City next April. Blessings to all!!!
Beth, thank you for bringing a resource like this to our attention. A couple I dearly love are in the midst of an ugly divorce (really, is there any other kind?!)because of pornography and infidelity, and I have honestly wished that I could bury my head in the sand over it. It’s just so devastating, even from the “outside”…almost more than I can stand. You have reminded me to get back on my knees and intercede for them and their children before the throne of grace. I’m passing this information on to my sweet friend, and I’m asking God to cause my husband and I to love each other so much better than we ever have before.
Thank you, Beth, so much for praying for our marriages. I’ve seen what divorce can do in a family, and all the ramifications of it, it is very hard to deal with, and I really do pray that all of us siestas would have the best marriages possible. Not only for our sakes, but for our children’s sake, and for those who are watching us as couples. I pray that our minds may be safeguarded from lust. I pray that we would turn our eyes from looking at worthless things, and that we would instead fix our eyes on Christ, the Author and Perfecter of our faith, yes, but He also brings us together in our marriages, and desires for us to be more perfected in our relationship with our spouse to His glory. It is a great mystery like Christ and the Church when we are given in marriage. May we show forth that kind of mysterious glory in our marriages to His great Name! I really pray that we would have forgiving, humble hearts like you talked about Beth. It is so important for love not to keep a record of wrongs! All those things in the love chapter, I pray for us: patience, kindness…I pray that we would honestly forgive as Christ forgave us. None of us deserve such acceptance and unconditional love as we have as His own. We were His enemies when Christ died for us, yet He gave His life. I’m so glad! I pray that we would not withold our love for our spouse in all wisdom, in every situation, even separation because of unsafeness, with the proper boundaries, the Lord pouring His love into us through the Spirit towards our spouse in praying for them as we should. May our marriages be pure, and glorifying to You Lord. May we keep no destructive secrets. May we have open, honest communication without being defensive. We need You in the very center of our marriages, Lord! Come and transform our marriages all to our greatest good and to Your greatest Glory. In Your Precious and Holy Name, Amen, so be it.